So many people are looking at me to be strong and to fight

.. but I'm just surviving.



So... Mike is home for a month, and was laying on the ground. He'd annoyed me the night before, so I threw a tennis ball- aimed to go over his head for cooper to go after- but it accidently hit him on the side of his face. I felt really bad and kinda stood there stunned for a second. Right as I opened my mouth to apologize he sits up and kinda yells " what the HELL are you doing!?". I got really pissed. He had no right to yell at me! It was an accident and I was about to apologize if he hadn't beat me to it to freakin yell at me! So, I stormed off all pissed.
He kinda came after me a few minutes later and calmly asked why I was mad when I was the one who threw a ball at his face? He then went on to say that hes known this about me for a while but just now figured out how to put it into words-- that when I feel guilty or bad about something I have a way of turning it around on the other person so I can get mad at them and not have to feel bad anymore. As soon as he said it, I instantly burst into tears. Like, sobbing disgusting mess tears. I went to my room, layed down, curled into a ball and cried my eyes out. I thought of Maria, of me and Chances entire relationship, of every fight my mom and I have had, of the last time my dad and I really got into it. I didn't realize right away why I was crying or thinking of all these things. I assumed I was PMSing? or just mad at Chance for not letting me drive him to his surgery and Mike yelling at me was just bothering me in a delicate condition.
Then, as I began pulling myself together... I realized I've been in a constant delicate condition for the past 9 months now.. I've known for a long time that I am not ok. That I should not still be so angry at the world. I've been assuming that the way I healed was just... angry. I healed poorly and was therefore stuck angry.. but thats not the way it works, is it? I feel silly for still being so fully controlled by her death and that I should have coped with it by now like I've assumed I have. I guess when it comes down to it, you can't lose control of something you still let carry over you.
I've finally come to realize.. mom was right. My therapist was right. Everyone. I feel very guilty for so many things. That she died, when I know perfectly well I wouldn't have gotten drunk at that concert if I had gone like she begged me to. Like I wanted to. But i didn't go because I had been neglecting her the past 2 or so months of her life. Annoyed with the drama, tired of getting fucked up every night, and mostly petrified that I wouldn't be able to help her when the day came that she finally killed herself and deserpately trying to avoid the pain I would feel when that day came. I could have prevented her death, I could have bettered her life, I could have done a lot of things that I just... didn't. Because I wasn't drunk and dying next to her where I should have been. And, just like Mike said I do, I've been taking it out on everyone else because she's not here to take it out on. I've picked fights with Chance, even going so far as to point out what he did wrong in execution when he tries to be cute with me. Maybe because she never had Gary love her back, I don't want to be happy in love. Because thats not fair. Why should I get to be happy?
I've done everything I could to make Chance as miserable as I am. Snapped at Kristin, Andrew, Garrett, Crystal... anyone I come in contact with. Exploded on my mom and dad on the few occasioans they actually don't deserve it. Exploded on Chance for every little thing he does wrong, big or small, regardless of if he meant well.

I need to stop this. Now that I realize whats wrong with me, and whats provoking my anger how do I learn how to control it? How do I stop it? I wish I knew...

If you ask me if I love him, I'll lie.

So. gah.
It's been a while. "space" only lasted 5 or 6 days, and after that, life was perfect. There were small tensions involving his ex Alli, but he never really did anything wrong, I was still just lacking in trust from Shelly and Amy, which I think is perfectly reasonable considering his ass is lucky that I even stayed through it all. The past couple months, May especially, have been wonderful and perfect, and- again mostly May- we have both fallen completely for eachother.
However... it turns out the whole reason he panicked and asked for space? oh.... he cheated on me. twice. with brandy, his "best friend", in early April. It was the first time they'd slept together in 2 years of tensions, so I guess it was coming sooner or later. but hes still a baby and I'm absolutely sick of all the girls that he was gonna be getting with "sooner or later". Hes so stoic that he freaks out every time he feels a lack of control over his emotions which, by definition, is love; total lack of control. it's no wonder every time we get closer he freaks out and hooks up with someone who he really never could fall for. And he admitted to me a few weeks ago that he said he loved me before he was ready. He felt it, but he wasnt ready to take it to that level. Apparently it was after the 2nd time with Brandy that he felt total guilt and realized how much I meant to him. I, however, found out ALL of this in one big tidal wave of information.
I love him. I understand him. I freaked out when I found out, and fully trashed his room with the help of all his best friends, roommates, and brandy herself. But this is very clearly not working out. I'm too much of a romantic, and cynic (somehow?) to throw away love.. even though it was hard for me to believe he loves me with everything he did.. but in all fairness he didnt love me when he did it... whatever.
I know I'm being an idiot for even going this far, but I invited him to Plant City last night. we talked for 8 hours straight, slept together (yeah, whoops) I cried, he got choked up and he left under the impression that we'd be together because I loved him and I just wanted to pretend it never happened and forget it all, but not to tell anyone. Like a secret relationship? Because i was so ashamed to have taken him back again. Obviously that was not even a rational solution, but it was absurd enough to get me some sleep. I woke up this morning knowing that if I were really going to be so stupid as to stay with him, then I knew what I needed to do.
We've spoke all day, ironing out details and finally agreed on our plan of action. Next week he's house sitting/ babysitting for his parents while they're all out of town somewhere. We're gonna take that week like a honeymoon, or something. Enjoy every second we have alone together. After that.... its time for a break. He's got a LOT of growing up to do, and I realize that I rely my emotions and stability wayyyy too much on him. My only worry is IF nursing school starts in August, I wont have the time to devote to us that we're REALLY gonna need, for another year... There's no way to predict that and I guess its a bridge we'll just have to cross when we get there..
I realize, for the record of reading this months or years from now, that I'm being an idiot. Any sane person would leave his lying cheating sorry ass in a minute, and months ago for that matter. But if I were sane I would not be in love. I see myself repeating my mothers history and is scares me, but... I love him. And that means that I'll stand by him and do whatever I think it may take to make this work. And at the end of the day, if it doesn't work, at least I'll walk away from a relationship knowing I gave it my all, for once.

Swim for brighter days despite the absence of sun

So. me and Chance are "taking some space" and I think thats the first time those words have ever been uttered and genuinely meant to better things, not step away.
After a very long talk last night, we got a lot of things out in the open.. I knew I'd been growing more.... i don't know. Different? lately.. but according to him I'd turned into an empty shell, very depressing and not my normal self. Coming from the guy who met me right in the middle of my incredible Maria depression? that is seriously saying something. Hearing that from him seriously shook me. So this morning I went for a walk. A veryyy long walk to clear my head and release some endorphins. I realized on this walk, that I've been putting all the pressure of my moods on Chance, and thats not at all fair, or even do-able for that matter. He is in no way in control of my emotions, I am. But after so long of dealing with everything I've tried to deal with... it's exhausting. I'm so tired, so worn, from holding myself together after maria, that I just... ugh. I just wanted someone else to pick up the slack for me for a while, and hold me together while I took a break. Apparently thats not really possible.
The second he first told me he was taking space, I fell apart. And I mean really, lost it. I cried for about 2 days straight, sure he was leaving me. All the while, mind you, he's assuring me that he still loves me and this is not a Break. I found myself crying on the bathroom floor last night when it occured to me that there was NO REASON to be falling apart so heavily. That it was no coincidence that the second my Happy Thing left, I was falling right back into the same state I was in before I met him. So what, as soon as he leaves me I'm gonna end up back on the couch crying over Maria all day long? No. No no no. I never want to be there again, it was miserable, killed my spirit, and took years off my life, I'm sure.
After this epiphony, we ahd our long talk and realized a LOT. He apologized for "making me feel like I had to get into his everything to feel like he wanted me. It never should have gotten to that point". I hadn't realized until he said it, but that was very true. We got a lot out in the open,a nd off our chests. We're taking some time apart to learn to miss eachother again, and not take eachother for granted, and then we're gonna spend some seriousss time together and "go at this like a bull in a china shop". We are probably the worst couple ever, but we really do love eachother... I wonder if that really is enough.
In any case, today I ran errands for my sick mother, ran, took pictures, had a chat with a cute old man on my run ( his dog was dying of cancer :( and he said "they're like humans.. the body can only take so much. Hit me kinda close to home) , took a nap, and made a hair appt for wednesday. I feel very productive and I think my endorphins are still going. I like it. I miss being happy. On the walk home, I also decided I was ready to put Maria behind me. I'm sure I'll still cry here and there, but I'm not feeling guilty for being happy. It's not unfair that I get to live, because shes FAR from miserable where she is. Shes not RESTING in peace, she's playing with Jeffy, and John Lennon and laughing at our stupid asses. She wouldn't want me sad.. she never did. I don't know why I believed she would be betrayed by my happiness. Yes I'll still miss her, I always will, but maybe in a different way? I hope so.. Cause my body cannot take this anymore.
I also decided after taking with a little boy on my run, that I hate my job. It's killing my soul, no lie. Staring off into a computer screen all day? Thats NOT ME. I need something social, something active and feeling like I'm doing something.. anything. If I don't get the job at FHP saturday, then I'm quitting, taking the paycut, voluntarily killing my immune system, and going back to my daycare. I miss my babies <3

Hopefully these changes will make things right with Chance, seeing as they're already helping myself. Cause I really do love him.

When asked, "why???"

Because there's a lot of guys that I really could have loved.
Chance is someone I couldn't help but love.

GREAT answer.

So, to catch up.. I caved. Like I knew I would. We're back together.

Yesterday, I was being the most horrible person possible to Chance. I was loud, and a bitch and sarcastic. I rubbed everything he's ever done in his face, and twisted every single thing he had to say into something terrible. I picked fights and won them. And I Did. Not. Care. I realized I was being horribe, but I also "knew" he so deserved it! He was saying the things in the first place! its not myyy fault they're so easily twisted! maybe he should just speak better!

yeah....

And it didn't stop, not all day long. He just layed there and apologized and kept quiet. It wasn't until we'd gone to bed, and Crystal started texting me all upset about something that I started to cool it. Having to be so sweet for Crystal made me lose my anger, and suddenly it was perfectly clear why I was being so terrible... It's that time of the month again. And no, I do not mean the "yay I'm not pregnant!" kind. It's the "One week from today will be 5 months" kind.. and the only words I could muster before I lost my voice altogether to tears was " i'm sorry for being so horrible today. Its just.. b-b-b-ecauseeee" and he helped me to finish my sentence with an " I know why.. I'm here for you" *cue hysterics* He pulled me in close, and let me cry all over him. This is the third time now I've made this poor boy's chest all soggy. Once I started to regain normal breathing patterns again, I told him I was sorry. That he wasn't perfect but nobody was, and that I am truly lucky to have him.
Honestly.. what man does that? Who accepts a verbal beating for 10 hours straight, fully aware that it's for no good reason, having nothing to do with him, and just... takes it? He knew I was hurting, he knew why before I even realized it. He remembered her anniversary when only my mom has done that, and he set himself up to be my outlet... Who would calmly and willingly accept that abuse?
Maybe I'll laugh at myself for this months or years from now, and say "what the hell did I know" but after seeing how much he cared for me, and what he does for me that I may not always see... I think I really Love him.. god help me.

He saw it happen, too. Saw my face soften and my eyes light up. He rolled over me and kissed me slow, as we whispered to eachother about I don't even remember what. He kept asking me what I was thinking, trying to get me to elaborate, trying to get me to say it. The only answer I could muster being, "Just realizing how much I care for you.." causing the inevitable "How much is that?". My eyes got huge when he asked me. I looked up at him and lost myself in the battle between sage and sand in his eyes, curling my lips together for fear the words would fall off the tip of my tounge and out into the open air where nothing can be taken back. Even the occasional need to open my mouth and catch my stolen breath was a struggle to keep the words back where they belonged.. remembering Patty. Remembering it's not always best to say them, and it's scary for a reason. After an eternity of silence, I pulled myself close to him, and kissed him slow. He finally said "good answer".

heart vs head

because, when she looks at me my soul melts, her eyes are like stain glass windows that attempt to hid the interior but show amazing grace on the out side and upiroe fourm. She has a way with words. she can be the cutest yet at the same time stern in her words


i never treated her right, i always lied, mostly about small trivial things but big things as well. id flirt with other girls. id send wrong texts to other girls. honestly crystal there is not one reason i can think of, for why she would even talk to me again. all i did was take her good heart and crush it time and time again. I should'nt have done any of what i did to her. but i did and i dont see what i could ever do to make it up to her, who would take back some one like me, like would u take some one back if they did half the things i put her through?

bring onnnnn the Mindfuck <3

Last night I went to Erik's because we were both bored & had some drinks.
He decided to tell me that he still cares about me, Kickens was a horribly stupid decision (duh?) , implied that he hasn't been seeing anyone else in part because he'd been thinking about me, and said that in a perfect situation I'd leave Chance and we'd get back together, and he could see us together at least 8 months to a year..
FML.