Standing up again

So it finally happened. Nothing has ever played out quite so perfectly for me before in my life, and I doubt it ever could again. Everything that I've been wanting since the day I knew He wasn't coming back, at least as far as I was concerned, I was granted.He wanted me back- to see and talk and be with me again. Who knows if it was meant as far as a relationship goes, with titles and the big issue of exclusiveness, but really who cares? The point here is that I was thought of and missed. And after a few hours of crying, pacing, swearing, remembering, wishing, regretting.... after an eternity of living out the complete hell of " what if...", I was finally able to say "No. it's over." Immeditatly after I felt relieved. Proud and vindicated. I couldn't believe that I had actually managed to get the last word in over Him.

Then the real test came, and sure enough.. I couldn't sleep. For better or for worse, that boy has always had some fantastic power over me to make me lose sleep at night. For tonight, and now forever thats ok, because I went though my tears, victory, and second thoughts and am finally, actually, walking away from this, picking up all the baggage I earned while with-and without- him and moving. I can leave the corner I've been crying in, actually admit that I occasionally needed that precious corner and become a mobile, functioning member of society again. Now how lucky for me that there's someone there to help me in my transition back into the population, to learn that not everythings meant to hurt, and not every promise is worthless. How lucky for me that I'm actually healed enough to move past meaningless hookups to keep my mind occupied, remember what I learned from Him with everything he put me though, and at least attempt something mature and real.

Whether it is or not, the point here is that he wanted me back- and I said no. And I'm not crying.