How do you choose youre friends? Are they simply the people that surround you that you can tolerate, or do they find you? Are they your true soulmates, fated to you to help you through breakups, career changes and burned dinners, or are they just simply an outlet to complain to when all these happen?
I'd very much like to believe that friends- true, constant friends are the ones who get you. They know you are sad by the way your hair has been mussed, or that something is stressful by the glaring rawness of your lips. See through the smile to know you are crumbling, or through a frown and know that you are dramatic and will need a few minutes to get this out of your system. In reality, a friend is someone who understands you; cries for you when you are heartbroken, dances for you when you're celebrating, livens you and soothes you. Shakes your world and slows life down. They are your better half, for better or for worse, and you are theirs. These people are treasures- irreplacable and vital, exceptional and infrequent. Something to be searched for, but never simply found just in the way that the aimless searching for a good poem is uselessly constant- it finds you on it's own accord, exactly when you're ready for it.
As for the rest of the world? Unless they are good for you, then why let yourself be held back? Why go out of your way for what will only hurt you, wasting precious time better spent with those who make you whole? Tolerable seems unbearably shallow and grey compared to Unflagginly Beautiful.
Sunday, April 29
Saturday, April 28
What is L*** ?
... Infatuation? Passion? Comfort, Excitement, Joy? Being able to act like children together or growing up? Satisfaction, Security, Rebellion? Is it telling little while lies to see their smile, or telling the truth because "I'm not afriad to hurt your feelings" (- the notebook.)? Or maybe the most genuine honest love is nothing more than Puppy Love. The kind where you cant even begin to comprehend that big, scary future everyone keeps talking about if their not with you to expirience it.
Whatever it is, there is something unparalled in the heaviness of the word. Many people today believe that it's used too often, that people "love" their cereal, their friends, their wine, their sports. Really, though, it's nothing more than a word, no different than the word Incredible or Faith, be it religious or not, and yet those words, too, are thrown around carelessly. Does it change their meaning or weight? Of course not, it just means that you need to really listen and pay attention to absorb the realities of them, and as far as I'm concerned if you're moving too quickly to really hear how much something or someone is Loved, than you have no buisness listening in on such an important topic.
There are a few types of people in this world: there are those who fall in mad, true, depserate "love" with everyone their lips have ever known, those who think too much and "decide" in an exact moment when they fell in Love, and there are of course those masichists, such as myself, who are not only unable to speak the words, but even reprimand themselves for allowing their thoughts to wander over them refusing to truly believe they are In Love. None of these, however, seem realistic to me. You simply can not love everyone. You can not choose who to love, as that's been proven moreoever than anyone would like to admit or relive, and much the same way, you can not choose against love.
Following this, what is left for love? It cannot be chosen, or denied. It cannot be known or unknown. It just is, with the same mysterious comfort of a lazy Saturday afernoon on the couch with your current counterpart. It's in these moments of bliss of Love and Being that a religionless, common Nirvana takes place that could never be explained or understood, understated or overestimated, accepted or denied.
So for those who have lately been disturbed by the recent trend of using this lethal word, remember that however often it is said does not change it's meaning or lessen it's weight. When it is felt, it is felt and no amount of misuse can break that.
I, however, still refuse to admit I have felt it. =)
Whatever it is, there is something unparalled in the heaviness of the word. Many people today believe that it's used too often, that people "love" their cereal, their friends, their wine, their sports. Really, though, it's nothing more than a word, no different than the word Incredible or Faith, be it religious or not, and yet those words, too, are thrown around carelessly. Does it change their meaning or weight? Of course not, it just means that you need to really listen and pay attention to absorb the realities of them, and as far as I'm concerned if you're moving too quickly to really hear how much something or someone is Loved, than you have no buisness listening in on such an important topic.
There are a few types of people in this world: there are those who fall in mad, true, depserate "love" with everyone their lips have ever known, those who think too much and "decide" in an exact moment when they fell in Love, and there are of course those masichists, such as myself, who are not only unable to speak the words, but even reprimand themselves for allowing their thoughts to wander over them refusing to truly believe they are In Love. None of these, however, seem realistic to me. You simply can not love everyone. You can not choose who to love, as that's been proven moreoever than anyone would like to admit or relive, and much the same way, you can not choose against love.
Following this, what is left for love? It cannot be chosen, or denied. It cannot be known or unknown. It just is, with the same mysterious comfort of a lazy Saturday afernoon on the couch with your current counterpart. It's in these moments of bliss of Love and Being that a religionless, common Nirvana takes place that could never be explained or understood, understated or overestimated, accepted or denied.
So for those who have lately been disturbed by the recent trend of using this lethal word, remember that however often it is said does not change it's meaning or lessen it's weight. When it is felt, it is felt and no amount of misuse can break that.
I, however, still refuse to admit I have felt it. =)
Sunday, April 1
The talented Mr.Coon
I never really thought my parents divorce managed to affect me that much. I dont know why I was so ignorant and closed-minded to think so, but I didn't. I decided that I was too young to really absorb all of what was happening, and then too old for the second one to really let it jade me. As though my mind was already set and stable with how it was going to be, how could this affect me now, so late in the game? Wow, teenages really do know everything, don't they?
It took an eternity but the truth has finally hit me: I am a direct, contorted version of my mothers marriages. It started with the love of her life, her soulmate-even to this day, and of course something had to happen to make it all go to hell, almost literally. Then she chose who she should- something loveless and necessary and shes an amazing woman for it. Still, it was no shock to me that they wouldnt be together forever being as they were both horribly miserable from the time my brother and I hit high school.
Now, in my everyday life I sit here believing heart and soul in true love and soulmates, falling more in love every second I breathe with the idea of growing old with someone. At the same time I sit unmoved, unable to grasp the concept of actually being with someone, happily, for any long extent of time. Without being cheated on, without things getting so boring you could die just for excitement it may stir, without the love slipping away but the need to stay together steadily remaining for fear of what else is out there. I'm in the beginnings of what could be an incredible relationship right now, and all I can think about is to try and hide how incredibly happy its made me since day one because I seem to know that it'll be over soon, and once again people will look at me and think "look at her, she jumped in and fell way too soon. You'd think she'd get it by now".
He kind of ruined me, I think. He fixed me and He broke me, all at once. I'm finally able and open to jump in and fall way too soon only to realize that I'm scared to death. I'm suddenly questioning intentions and motives and the big, scary Unknown called "if". If maybe I'm just being played with, when its so obvious I'm not. If I'm blind to true intentions, when they are crystal clear and beautiful. If he'll tire of me when so far he's unknown to the word "enough". If I could love him and not become a hideous train wreck again, when the air around us is heavy with commitment and lacking in immature fears (except my own, of course.) I'm a mixture of broken trust and shallow roots, leaving me literally unstable and weak, maybe im supposed to be to let everything happen. Let Life happen. Maybe I just needed to see the bad to appreciate the good. But after so much bad, the good is just way too scary.
So here I am: officially trying, if nothing else, to open up. Let something that could be good swallow me whole, and if its not? If it blows up in my face again? Well then, I survived Him-I can survive anything.
Jesus, though, I dont want to go through that again.
It took an eternity but the truth has finally hit me: I am a direct, contorted version of my mothers marriages. It started with the love of her life, her soulmate-even to this day, and of course something had to happen to make it all go to hell, almost literally. Then she chose who she should- something loveless and necessary and shes an amazing woman for it. Still, it was no shock to me that they wouldnt be together forever being as they were both horribly miserable from the time my brother and I hit high school.
Now, in my everyday life I sit here believing heart and soul in true love and soulmates, falling more in love every second I breathe with the idea of growing old with someone. At the same time I sit unmoved, unable to grasp the concept of actually being with someone, happily, for any long extent of time. Without being cheated on, without things getting so boring you could die just for excitement it may stir, without the love slipping away but the need to stay together steadily remaining for fear of what else is out there. I'm in the beginnings of what could be an incredible relationship right now, and all I can think about is to try and hide how incredibly happy its made me since day one because I seem to know that it'll be over soon, and once again people will look at me and think "look at her, she jumped in and fell way too soon. You'd think she'd get it by now".
He kind of ruined me, I think. He fixed me and He broke me, all at once. I'm finally able and open to jump in and fall way too soon only to realize that I'm scared to death. I'm suddenly questioning intentions and motives and the big, scary Unknown called "if". If maybe I'm just being played with, when its so obvious I'm not. If I'm blind to true intentions, when they are crystal clear and beautiful. If he'll tire of me when so far he's unknown to the word "enough". If I could love him and not become a hideous train wreck again, when the air around us is heavy with commitment and lacking in immature fears (except my own, of course.) I'm a mixture of broken trust and shallow roots, leaving me literally unstable and weak, maybe im supposed to be to let everything happen. Let Life happen. Maybe I just needed to see the bad to appreciate the good. But after so much bad, the good is just way too scary.
So here I am: officially trying, if nothing else, to open up. Let something that could be good swallow me whole, and if its not? If it blows up in my face again? Well then, I survived Him-I can survive anything.
Jesus, though, I dont want to go through that again.
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