The talented Mr.Coon

I never really thought my parents divorce managed to affect me that much. I dont know why I was so ignorant and closed-minded to think so, but I didn't. I decided that I was too young to really absorb all of what was happening, and then too old for the second one to really let it jade me. As though my mind was already set and stable with how it was going to be, how could this affect me now, so late in the game? Wow, teenages really do know everything, don't they?

It took an eternity but the truth has finally hit me: I am a direct, contorted version of my mothers marriages. It started with the love of her life, her soulmate-even to this day, and of course something had to happen to make it all go to hell, almost literally. Then she chose who she should- something loveless and necessary and shes an amazing woman for it. Still, it was no shock to me that they wouldnt be together forever being as they were both horribly miserable from the time my brother and I hit high school.

Now, in my everyday life I sit here believing heart and soul in true love and soulmates, falling more in love every second I breathe with the idea of growing old with someone. At the same time I sit unmoved, unable to grasp the concept of actually being with someone, happily, for any long extent of time. Without being cheated on, without things getting so boring you could die just for excitement it may stir, without the love slipping away but the need to stay together steadily remaining for fear of what else is out there. I'm in the beginnings of what could be an incredible relationship right now, and all I can think about is to try and hide how incredibly happy its made me since day one because I seem to know that it'll be over soon, and once again people will look at me and think "look at her, she jumped in and fell way too soon. You'd think she'd get it by now".

He kind of ruined me, I think. He fixed me and He broke me, all at once. I'm finally able and open to jump in and fall way too soon only to realize that I'm scared to death. I'm suddenly questioning intentions and motives and the big, scary Unknown called "if". If maybe I'm just being played with, when its so obvious I'm not. If I'm blind to true intentions, when they are crystal clear and beautiful. If he'll tire of me when so far he's unknown to the word "enough". If I could love him and not become a hideous train wreck again, when the air around us is heavy with commitment and lacking in immature fears (except my own, of course.) I'm a mixture of broken trust and shallow roots, leaving me literally unstable and weak, maybe im supposed to be to let everything happen. Let Life happen. Maybe I just needed to see the bad to appreciate the good. But after so much bad, the good is just way too scary.

So here I am: officially trying, if nothing else, to open up. Let something that could be good swallow me whole, and if its not? If it blows up in my face again? Well then, I survived Him-I can survive anything.
Jesus, though, I dont want to go through that again.