she thinks theres something sexy about the rain

I am....

promiscuous. When something catches my eye, I go get it regardless of any consequences. I satisfy my every whim that I am capable of. I keep it as long as I want, or am able to.. whichever comes first. I break hearts and have been heartbroken. am heartbroken.

I am passionate. I listen to music searching for context and meaning and emotion. I play my music with all my heart, telling it's story through each dynamic and intensity. I am Creative. I Can't decorate things or color especially well, but I see the world in frames and angles. From particular views not my own, and noticing light. I do not own a camera but I still see these things. I wish I owned a camera for no other reason than to show the world all the beauty I see everyday, even through disaster and pain. Maybe then they wouldn't question my eternal optomism. I am a full blown romantic. True love exists. There is one person for everyone,whoever you are. And you will find them. Hang on as long as you can because it may not last forever. My parents didn't last forever. They should both be misterable but instead they've very content, looking back fondly on what they used to have, knowing that they were eachother soulmates. Knowing that will never come along again. And appreciating what they had is enough for them, because it was that significant. Thats love. Not an elderly couple who didn't believe in divorce.

I am hard to get to know and easy to be friends with. I don't believe I know more than 5 people, at most, who can accept that I am promiscuous and without straight edges, and still remember what a good person I am. I am not reliable. I am flaky. I stand people up and dont keep plans. I dont bother to call and cancel because i feel bad. Id rather lie, later. I am not flaky with who I care about. When I meet someone, they immediatly have my heart or they don't. im sure your a great guy, but your not for me. Lets be friends. We broke up? Lets be friends. Always be friends. You cant have enough friends. I dont have enough friends. The friends I have are selfish and dramatic and judgemental. Im slowly learning this more and more. I may have to be lonely for a while to find a truly amazing bunch.. but im not ready for that. I can not be alone in public. When my partner in crime leaves for the bathroom in a resturaunt, those 5 minutes drag on forever, leaving me in an awkward limbo where I feel im being watched and judged.

I am incapable of falling in love. All i see around me is hurt. My parents hurt eachother. My mom hurt Dave. Lisa hurt my brother (and I want her dead for it). Jason hurt me. Adam hurt me. I don't think I can take another round of Jasons or Adams. I am with Blake and already planning out exactly why we may not work out. What he may do to me in the long run. Reasons why i should just bolt now. Reasons why i shouldnt bother with anyone for a long time because I'm not getting married anytime soon, so I'll just be hurt again. I think they kinda fucked me up. But I do wholeheartedly believe in real true love.

Im not as stupid as I first sound. I read literature, poetry, and intellegent blogs. Anything with passion and meaning behind it. I am self-devastatingly lazy. I need to get over that immediatly and do something with my life. I know exactly what I want to do with my life, and wish I could skip the next few years and just straight to it. I wish i could write for a living. I wish I didnt find the news so boring. I wish I could rasie a family on a salary critiquing books. Instead I'll nurse. I'll be the woman like the one who calmed my fears before my surgery. I'll be taking care of people and making an impact on peoples lives. I'll be remembered and appreciated. I wish I could do it now.

I miss Adam. I think about him too much. Remembering hurts just as much as not remembering. The night he asked me to be his girlfriend. Singing bad Gorillaz music to me driving to, where else, Josh's. I miss it. I hope he wakes up and does something with his life, soon. He really could if he actually tried. I hate that I miss him. I hate being used. I hate being labeled and taken for granted and underappreciated. I love doing anything bold or unexpected. I pierce things and dye my hair just to gauge the shock factor. I wont get a tattoo because I wont permanently do anything to my body jsut for shock factor. I have a serious fear of permanence. not commitment.

My family means the world to me. That has been tested more than once, intensely. I adore idolize and worship my brother. I think he is amazing and an incredible person and I hope to be even a fraction as smart as he is. We don't talk much, but he takes care of me. He looks out for me and helps me, ever since I was a baby. We've been through more than imaginable, and because of that I believe we're closer than any other pair of siblings. Even if we can't talk. I love my dad. He's overbearing judgemental and obnoxious but I love him for his reality. he's very happy in his own little world, and I actually admire and envy that. My mom is the strongest person I've ever known. I can't think of one time when she could have ever been truly happy and still she pushes through and does exactly what she needs to for her family. It's outright astonishing.

I am definatley pretty. I am definatley not beautiful. But I have an outgoing, cheerful, personable nature to me that seems to make up for whatever i lack in looks. My boobs were way too big for me, so I cut them off. Im not used to them yet and change my mind daily on if theyre too small or not. I really dont know what too small is. I'll get used to them. I'll learn. Its one of the best thigns to happen to me and Im incredibly lucky. Im incredibly lucky anyways.

Im one of the guys. I'll watch your sports and eat your food and listen to your music. I fit in with anyone. But at the end of the day I'll send you cutesy text messages before I fall asleep. I smoke pot and no one knows it. I do some other things and no one knows it. Not often.. I could count on one hand. But I do. But no one knows. I hate that I would be judged for doing that. Or being promisculous. I need to find new friends, im just not ready to be lonely yet.

Boob Voyage! eve

So here it goes: tomorrow's the big day, and I'm finding it hard to breathe.
I know I shouldn't be nervous, really. I'm obviously not going to die, my doctor is the best of the best so I'm sure I'll come out looking even more fabulous than already, and I've got some seriously enviable pain killers with my name attatched, smiliar to the tags on Christmas gifts. I know I should not be nervous.

I can't help but wonder, though, who I'll be when I come out. Now that I'm not the girl with the huge boobs anymore, who will I be? What will I be known for, or seen as? What will my first impression be? Will I really stop being used and oggled the way I have since middle school, or are pigs just pigs?

I know I need this. My back is falling apart, and clothes dont fit me, and my health is generally for shit. I know I need it. I know, even more, how much I want it. How badly, how painfully, how depseratley I want this. But now its less than 10 hours away and my nerves are taking over my mind and heart, and I can't stop their domination. Now I'm wondering if maybe I don't need this as badly as I think, and I'm just running from something and trying to start fresh with a new body- one that no ones seen or abused. A way to stop looking back at what I've done and even more importantly who I've done it with and try again. Maybe this is some long-term, leftover psychological issue from Jason. Add it to the list.

I'm scared they wont look right. That they'll be too big or too small. That I'll be less attractive. That I won't be as shocking coming out as I expect. That I'll still be seen the same. That I'll be seen totally differently. Mostly, I'm scared of being bed-ridden for the next 2 weeks with only my mother and can't find my 2nd season of Greys Anatomy.

Maybe I'm just really really hungry and need a strong drink. Damn pre-op..