I got to thinking tonight. Alex is laying on my bed behind me, crying and fighting on the phone with his latest, most current love. Meanwhile, Crystal is on the other side of town, bouncing from guy to guy one night to the next, restless and unsatisfied. Back in Plant City my mom is with a man she claims to love, someone who finally makes her happy but just can't seem to get it together. All the while, all my life, claiming my dad to be the love of her life, her soul mate.
It should be so easy, relationships. It should really be just so simple as " I think you're an amazing human being, and I enjoy spending time with you", and vise versa. Then from there you watch movies, eat dinner, and take bubble baths. Why does there seem to be no such thing as a stably happy relationship? Does there always have to be some complication? Someone else, mixed emotions, complications? If two people love each other, why is that never enough?
I cannot bring myself to trust Erik. He's done nothing wrong now, but he's left me twice before. it used to be that the title would give me the comfort and stability I need, but now-after Patty- it seems like nothing so simple could keep me feeling so safe. He told me he loved me that night, and still broke my trust within weeks. How can I believe anything, really? Especially from someone whose already given me reason not to?
It seems this should be so simple as, I care for this boy Erik, he cares for me and we're happy.
It's said that those who have loved have really lived. I disagree. I think that everyone at some point feels love in their lifetime. Most everyone will love and lose, feel true elation and cutting heartbreak. The real lucky ones are the ones who manage to find happiness. by finding themselves, finding love, and still keeping a firm grip on both. Who can say they've done that? Very few. A very lucky few.
I should be so lucky. For now, all we can do is enjoy our elation while it lasts, because it rarely does, and try not to look ahead to any heartbreak.
Thursday, January 24
Dear boy...
You are amazing, your energy is amazing, and the sex is amazing. However, I don't trust you anymore.Yet. I fall for you too hard too soon, every time. The others, recently, have all been leaving me for other girls. YOU left me for other girls. twice. I love that we snuggle even after we fall asleep, when I normally cannot stand skin touching at bedtime. I love that lately, especially, you kiss me differently-- more sincere, slower. I told you so, and you pretended not to have noticed. I haven't decided if I love that or hate it. I probably can't decide because I hate that I have no idea how you feel about me, because I'm too busy feeling so much for you. I love that I lived with you. I hate that, because I've lived with you, I don't know how prone to calling girls you are, in general. It makes me nervous that you don't call me. I don't really give you the chance to not call me. I always want to hear your voice. The sex is too good. Too good to say no to, which makes it much too hard to choose many other activities over it. I want to have less sex. Maybe even no sex. And talk more. See you more. Everything else more. You make me nervous, and my heart race. I talk in long run on sentences, except with you. Now it's all bullets. Short thoughts I'm surprised at myself to manage out. I turn to mush over you. I know I seem smitten all over again for you, but I'm not. I'm guarded and trying and nervous and backing you up. I'm just waiting for the day you leave me again. I partly know it'll happen BECAUSE I'm just waiting for it.
Please realize what you did to me last time, so you can fix this time and stay.
yours truly,
Jess
Please realize what you did to me last time, so you can fix this time and stay.
yours truly,
Jess
Wednesday, January 2
What is love? Baby don't hurt me
so to start... Im about to sound 14 years old, and dramatic and ridiculously over the top. I tried to make this private, because I'm only writing this so I can document it and laugh at myself years from now, because I know I'll want to remember this the way I feel about it now, but apparently you can't write private blogs on here so.... I apologize ahead of time for the pre-teen flashbacks I'm sure this will erupt.
Last night Patty came over-along with Carlo Alex and Crystal- all of us hanging out and having fun, watching rent and singing. After a while his stomach started bothering him so he laid down in my bed, and I went with him, rubbing his back and just keeping him company while he was feeling sick. We laid there, kissing now and then, and making conversation about nothing when he started telling me how sorry he was because he still doesn't know what it is he wants and that this just feels right inside my arms, and how much he cares about me but he missed out on so much being with Amanda that now he's stuck just.... not knowing at all what he wants. I get that. He then tried to lighten the mood by joking about how it's like how he missed out on his dream girl in his math class and needs to find her and ... blah. just went on and on about her. seriously... your in bed with me right now-- think this is the time for these jokes? mood not lightened. So I rolled over, my back to him, "Jessie don't be like that... Jess....." I grunt. "...I love you" He'd said that before, after we'd slept together that night an eternity ago, while I was crying on the phone to him, but the only response he got from that was more tears.
This time I rolled back over to face him, face blank, feeling some mix of everything and total absence of anything. He confirms " I really mean it. I'd do anything in the world for you, anything at all you ever needed or wanted." He leaned in and kissed me, slow and deep. Mid kiss everything hit me, my face scrunched up disgustingly, and I started crying. hard. pushing him off so I could start getting the tears that keep you from breathing. Over and over he asked, "why are you crying??" finally I get my voice together enough to choke out " because I love you, too" He leaned in and kissed me again, telling me he really means it- as if I don't? I re-affirmed "I've never said that to anyone", still crying. At that, he really fully understood and almost flew at me, like he couldn't kiss me fast enough, just couldn't reach my face soon enough.
But I could only let that go on for so long, seeing as I couldn't breathe through all my tears yet. He asks if Im ok. "yes." No you're not...... He knows me too well. Finally He sat u and pulled me into him, holding my face in the gap in his shoulder I'm used to sleeping in. "I hate that i do this to you, what am i the only guy who can make you cry? I hate seeing you like this. I'm not going anywhere, Im not leaving you until your ok. We'll stay here all night if we have to. I'll always be your shoulder to cry on even when I'm the one making you cry. I'm not leaving you, I'll never leave you.. I'll never leave you." holding me, humming, whispering to me, smoothing my hair, wiping my tears, keeping me close.
My heart finally allowed me to catch my breath, so I laid back down to let my muscles relax, with him over me. He starts to choke up, eyes filling, seeing my face so red and sad. he leans down, and kisses my chest " i cant believe I keep breaking this. I dont want this to break, I dont want to be who does this to you, I love this, i dont want to break it" still kissing my heart. Finally emotion just exploded into both of us, he kisses me face my arms my neck my chest, stomach, thighs, nose.... quick, precise, everywhere. " do you see how passionate I am for you? How much I mean all of this? What you are to me??" I almost start to cry again, and instead pull him to my mouth, trying with everything to give him my heart through my kiss.
From there everything was amazingly intense, but I wouldn't sleep with him, too scared from last time, still needing more stability before I put myself there. at 4am he finally had to leave, I crawled into Crystals bed and cried.
Who knows.
Last night Patty came over-along with Carlo Alex and Crystal- all of us hanging out and having fun, watching rent and singing. After a while his stomach started bothering him so he laid down in my bed, and I went with him, rubbing his back and just keeping him company while he was feeling sick. We laid there, kissing now and then, and making conversation about nothing when he started telling me how sorry he was because he still doesn't know what it is he wants and that this just feels right inside my arms, and how much he cares about me but he missed out on so much being with Amanda that now he's stuck just.... not knowing at all what he wants. I get that. He then tried to lighten the mood by joking about how it's like how he missed out on his dream girl in his math class and needs to find her and ... blah. just went on and on about her. seriously... your in bed with me right now-- think this is the time for these jokes? mood not lightened. So I rolled over, my back to him, "Jessie don't be like that... Jess....." I grunt. "...I love you" He'd said that before, after we'd slept together that night an eternity ago, while I was crying on the phone to him, but the only response he got from that was more tears.
This time I rolled back over to face him, face blank, feeling some mix of everything and total absence of anything. He confirms " I really mean it. I'd do anything in the world for you, anything at all you ever needed or wanted." He leaned in and kissed me, slow and deep. Mid kiss everything hit me, my face scrunched up disgustingly, and I started crying. hard. pushing him off so I could start getting the tears that keep you from breathing. Over and over he asked, "why are you crying??" finally I get my voice together enough to choke out " because I love you, too" He leaned in and kissed me again, telling me he really means it- as if I don't? I re-affirmed "I've never said that to anyone", still crying. At that, he really fully understood and almost flew at me, like he couldn't kiss me fast enough, just couldn't reach my face soon enough.
But I could only let that go on for so long, seeing as I couldn't breathe through all my tears yet. He asks if Im ok. "yes." No you're not...... He knows me too well. Finally He sat u and pulled me into him, holding my face in the gap in his shoulder I'm used to sleeping in. "I hate that i do this to you, what am i the only guy who can make you cry? I hate seeing you like this. I'm not going anywhere, Im not leaving you until your ok. We'll stay here all night if we have to. I'll always be your shoulder to cry on even when I'm the one making you cry. I'm not leaving you, I'll never leave you.. I'll never leave you." holding me, humming, whispering to me, smoothing my hair, wiping my tears, keeping me close.
My heart finally allowed me to catch my breath, so I laid back down to let my muscles relax, with him over me. He starts to choke up, eyes filling, seeing my face so red and sad. he leans down, and kisses my chest " i cant believe I keep breaking this. I dont want this to break, I dont want to be who does this to you, I love this, i dont want to break it" still kissing my heart. Finally emotion just exploded into both of us, he kisses me face my arms my neck my chest, stomach, thighs, nose.... quick, precise, everywhere. " do you see how passionate I am for you? How much I mean all of this? What you are to me??" I almost start to cry again, and instead pull him to my mouth, trying with everything to give him my heart through my kiss.
From there everything was amazingly intense, but I wouldn't sleep with him, too scared from last time, still needing more stability before I put myself there. at 4am he finally had to leave, I crawled into Crystals bed and cried.
Who knows.
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