Do work, son!

My first night home from sixth grade prompted a long happy afternoon re-living my newfound adult-hood watching Full House. Just adoring Dj, how could you not? She was, of course, the very coolest of cool. She would do her homework heiny-up over a smoothed bedspread, books surrounding her, knees bent ankles swinging above her. She'd do all her big kid homework- ya know, with books and notebooks and stuff- and then afterwards go to the mall with her bestest friend Kimmy, and neck with her so-cute boyfriend, Steve.
So that first night I took all my new books- every one of them- that those cool sixth grade kids get and all my colored notebooks I'd picked out so carefully from staples and completely encircled myself in them. Very thoughtfully, I laid them out in their bright rainbow of teal, hot pink, green, purple, a little disappointed that I'd begun picking them apart at the edges, so soon. They would never look as cute as Dj's if they were all torn up, and I'd never have enough homework to bring so many books out. I sighed my best, more heartfelt teenage sigh I could muster- not to be perfected for a few more years- and put my books back into my corduroy backpack, and went off to pester my brother, or run down the street to play with my friends.


Flash forward about eight years....!
Tonight I've been forcing most of my energy into studying for that damn CNA certification test I have coming up, all the while stressed about school and work and money and guys. Worried that Crystal won't be able to pay rent when.. if... she moves in this June. Worried if I'm to Erik even a fraction of what he is to me. Mostly, irritated that this stupid book is going to take me so long to finish when half of it is common sense anyways. I hate studying; I've never had to before.
In the middle of my piss-fest, I glanced over towards the window, and caught a reflection of this girl, lying ass-up, hair in a messy bun, head-first into a sea of books and notebooks taking notes, kicking her ankles in frustration. She had her phone in her hand, smiling to hear his ringtone
play. Right then, that moment, I caught a reflection of myself for the first time being exactly the person I've always wanted to be. I'm a 12 year old fantasy version of myself, and the more I think about it- is there any better kind? I've become the person I wanted to become before I even understood rent, work, and stress.
I've changed a lot in this past year, since Jason mostly. I've done some amazing things, made some huge changes, and made some costly mistakes. Through the year, I've spent most of my time beating myself over not working hard enough or getting enough done, pushing myself to reach future goals, now. Obviously I can't just BE a nurse.. it's going to take a lot of time and patience and studying, and thats what I'm doing. Erik isn't perfect and neither is Crystal, but they're the bestest, and so cute- who am I to complain about that?
It's time I stop disappointing myself and start really working. I'm already who I want to be, right now. So now? Seems about time to set myself up to still be exactly who I want another eight years from now.
Time to quit my bitching; time to work.