I'm officially taking the first steps to becoming a productive member of adult society. Wow. I'm no longer talking about all these great ideas on how to get myself back on my feet, or spending all my time planning the best way to go about it, I'm actually putting these great ideas into action.
Tonight I sat in a classroom for 3 hours, taking a test rivaling the Fcat for passing rate of 5 year olds. I knew this test would determine how expensive my CNA classes would be, so I spent some quality nap time instead online brushing up on my equations; Pythagorean Theorem, similar triangles, etc. I arrive at my test site, already kicking myself for not bringing a water bottle, sweatshirt in hand preparing for the "Big test chills" as I call them (you know, when it can be 100* with no air but you still need something bulky on?), only to open my test booklet to see questions such as " 77x 77=x?" and "whats wrong with the following sentence: She and me brought in the groceries". Honestly?? And even more appalling was the fact that with each section I breezed through in 5 minutes, the room would stare at me, amazed I'd finished so soon. Are these really truly the people preparing to work in a hospital? Where peoples lives are at stake???
Regardless, I'm still pretty proud of myself for getting off my ass and taking the first step.
Tallahassee here I come!
Monday, May 19
Monday, May 12
A little late? oh well.. Happy mothers day!
Thank you mommy...
For leaving him, and saving us.
For making every holiday and birthday so special
For keeping me young, rather than telling me to grow up
For not letting me answer "nothing" to "whats wrong?"
For letting me have my surgery
For defending me every time I screwed up- no matter how bad, and helping me get back on my feet.
For bringing music into my life
For leaving cookies for Santa, and a carrot for Rudolph every Christmas, even when I was 17
For the perfect homecoming dress, even when we couldn't afford it, because it was with Alex.
For encouraging me to only take the classes I wanted to, and not focusing on grades or AP status, or the money the major would make me.
For always making sure I knew, I came first before everything.
For leaving him, and saving us.
For making every holiday and birthday so special
For keeping me young, rather than telling me to grow up
For not letting me answer "nothing" to "whats wrong?"
For letting me have my surgery
For defending me every time I screwed up- no matter how bad, and helping me get back on my feet.
For bringing music into my life
For leaving cookies for Santa, and a carrot for Rudolph every Christmas, even when I was 17
For the perfect homecoming dress, even when we couldn't afford it, because it was with Alex.
For encouraging me to only take the classes I wanted to, and not focusing on grades or AP status, or the money the major would make me.
For always making sure I knew, I came first before everything.
Monday, May 5
Tally vs. Tampa... the great debate.
Whats best for me? What is the safest, smartest,long-term best plan to fix all the messes I've made for myself? thats a question I've been asking myself for about a year now, and every time I think I have a solution planned, I mess it up. I get scared, or lazy, or distracted. Or maybe I'll even follow through but it just wasn't a good idea after all.. another lesson learned.
I have another idea, I guess you could say. Something I've been playing with for.. well, a year now. The first time things fell into place for me the way they kind of are now happened when I came home from my first trip to FSU. I came home, and fell into Erik.. back when that was at it's best. I also came home to a voicemail from Olive Garden offering me a job. Kendra called asking me to move in with her for next to nothing, taking me away from Plant City. Everything just suddenly went... perfect.
That may be happening for me again.. I came home from Gainesville Saturday night. I've never been so proud of my brother, and thats saying a lot. My very own big brother graduating from, in my opinion, the best university in the state. He's always been what I want to be, my whole life. I never did grow out of my little-sister-syndrome. I doubt I ever will. My life here and now, it's not good enough for me. It never has been, really, even at its best. The difference is that now I'm watching everyone around me, the most important people around me, living the life I wish I had. The life I wish I'd worked harder for. This is all settling. No one would believe me if I told them, mainly because I've never given them reason to, but I'm a very smart girl.
I could do amazing things, and somewhere along the line of my laziness I lost the respect and belief of others in my ability to do all these amazing things. I haven't forgotten.. I remember myself. And I'm finally really genuinely ready to work. I've said that before, I know. I have no guarantee. I have no proof. All I have is the disappointment in myself that makes me really think that I've hit the point of Enough is Enough.
That night when I got home, I dreamt that I up and packed my bags and moved to Tallahassee. Just like that. God knows it's something I've wished I could do for some time now. Also, I have the opportunity to move in with Shanna, and be around people I know. So I'm not all alone and lonely and work less, rather than more. I looked into rent in that area, and just like I though, it's HALF the cost of Tampa, just like Gainesville. It's not like there won't be any hospitals in Tallahassee... the states CAPITAL. And besides, a big part of why I chose nursing was because of it's flexibility in where I could practice.. why should that not include in college, too?
I could follow my same plan of action.. get my CNA, work in a hospital through my studies and work my way back into a major university. I could just do it.... away. And for cheaper, so I could work less and spend more time studying, or with friends.
Another idea here.... a fresh start. Am I running away from the things I've done or is a new beginning really just that? I have no idea.. maybe both? Either way, the idea is very tempting. To get away from this place, these people.. all of it. Start over, and do it right. I'd be leaving just in time for Cooper to come back, am I just running away from the first stable, good thing I've had in years? Totally possible. I hope not. Honestly, I half-expect it to be done with by then anyways, just like every other relationship I've had. On that same thought process, it would be against everything I've ever believed to change a life's direction over some guy.
what do I dooooooo?
I have another idea, I guess you could say. Something I've been playing with for.. well, a year now. The first time things fell into place for me the way they kind of are now happened when I came home from my first trip to FSU. I came home, and fell into Erik.. back when that was at it's best. I also came home to a voicemail from Olive Garden offering me a job. Kendra called asking me to move in with her for next to nothing, taking me away from Plant City. Everything just suddenly went... perfect.
That may be happening for me again.. I came home from Gainesville Saturday night. I've never been so proud of my brother, and thats saying a lot. My very own big brother graduating from, in my opinion, the best university in the state. He's always been what I want to be, my whole life. I never did grow out of my little-sister-syndrome. I doubt I ever will. My life here and now, it's not good enough for me. It never has been, really, even at its best. The difference is that now I'm watching everyone around me, the most important people around me, living the life I wish I had. The life I wish I'd worked harder for. This is all settling. No one would believe me if I told them, mainly because I've never given them reason to, but I'm a very smart girl.
I could do amazing things, and somewhere along the line of my laziness I lost the respect and belief of others in my ability to do all these amazing things. I haven't forgotten.. I remember myself. And I'm finally really genuinely ready to work. I've said that before, I know. I have no guarantee. I have no proof. All I have is the disappointment in myself that makes me really think that I've hit the point of Enough is Enough.
That night when I got home, I dreamt that I up and packed my bags and moved to Tallahassee. Just like that. God knows it's something I've wished I could do for some time now. Also, I have the opportunity to move in with Shanna, and be around people I know. So I'm not all alone and lonely and work less, rather than more. I looked into rent in that area, and just like I though, it's HALF the cost of Tampa, just like Gainesville. It's not like there won't be any hospitals in Tallahassee... the states CAPITAL. And besides, a big part of why I chose nursing was because of it's flexibility in where I could practice.. why should that not include in college, too?
I could follow my same plan of action.. get my CNA, work in a hospital through my studies and work my way back into a major university. I could just do it.... away. And for cheaper, so I could work less and spend more time studying, or with friends.
Another idea here.... a fresh start. Am I running away from the things I've done or is a new beginning really just that? I have no idea.. maybe both? Either way, the idea is very tempting. To get away from this place, these people.. all of it. Start over, and do it right. I'd be leaving just in time for Cooper to come back, am I just running away from the first stable, good thing I've had in years? Totally possible. I hope not. Honestly, I half-expect it to be done with by then anyways, just like every other relationship I've had. On that same thought process, it would be against everything I've ever believed to change a life's direction over some guy.
what do I dooooooo?
The Rising Tide
I'm not perfect, I have regrets
Ive made mistakes, I've made a mess.
Hurt some people along the way
Sometimes i wished for a new day
Forgive me please for not being perfect
I am not a precise circuit
And i promise you I will do my best
To no longer live my life in regret
With the rising tide of the eternal sun
I do proclaim..
I have found someone
I do not wish, to lose your over my past
I pray that what I'm feeling, will always last
For the sight of you, brings me great joy
Like a small child, getting a new toy
Alive inside you make me feel
Could this really... really.. be real?
Judge me now for who I am
Not the person I was then
For the past is the past and today is anew
I am no longer that person, that you once knew
-- Not sure who wrote this.. I love it.
Ive made mista
Hurt some peopl
Somet
Forgi
I am not a preci
And i promi
To no longe
With the risin
I do procl
I have found
I do not wish,
I pray that what I'm feeli
For the sight
Like a small
Alive
Could
Judge
Not the perso
For the past is the past and today
I am no longe
-- Not sure who wrote this.. I love it.
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