The brighter sides of heartbreak

Wouldn't things be so easy if there were a clear distinction between running away and pushing forward? All I can keep thinking is if Tallahassee would be running from all the choas and commotion I've had so much fun creating here, or if it's the best thing for me to leave all the unnecessary stress and drama behind me to start focusing on something real. Whats real anyways though? And maybe there isn't such a thing as running away or starting over or even keeping steady. All there is is time, constantly going. And like it or not, you're going right along with it. How you choose to spend your time, however, is an entirely different story. I doesn't mean or change anything, it's as simple as enjoying yourself while you're here. Doing whatever it is that makes you wake up in the morning with a smile on your face.
I'm completely aware, as I'm writing this, that my recent state of diggin' life is a mix of my recent tripping experience amplified by no sleep, hours of crying and the Dawson's Creek series finale. Either way, though, I still find it true so I suggest everyone trip and have a good cry over Dawson's Creek to better find yourselves.
The Tallahassee hospital won't pay for my pre-reqs.. So it's looking like another year in Tampa. I'm so ready to go now though, I feel like there's nothing for me here. That all I'm doing is proving dad right and all he, or anyone else for that matter, will think when I tell them is " I knew she wasn't ACTUALLY going anywhere. Anyways..." and brush this off like it's just another crazy idea I had. The thing I hate most about this is that I do always have these crazy ideas to get up and go do something huge! It's never for anything but lack of support or money thats ever kept me from doing these things.. never lack of heart or inspiration or desire. And now the one time I was ever able to follow through with something, to prove to everyone- myself, included- that I was capable of actually finishing something, anything! The one time I was actually going to get it right... whoops. just kidding. again. Sucks.

From here, out, though I once again have a wide open window. I'll be saving up quite a bit of money, I'd guess, if all goes how I'd like it to. Of course, when has that ever happened for me?? I could go anywhere for nursing school come next August. Yes, it's a year away but the foresight gives me time to dream up exactly where I'd like to be, and it's the dreams that keep me moving. Maybe not always toward one exact point, but moving nonetheless. Tallahassee? Baltimore? California, England!? I can do anything.. and it's terrible that my Anything Day- Independence Day, if you will- has been pushed back another year, but at least I can still have something to look forward to.

Not-so-new years resolutions?

So it's T-minus one month, and it feels remarkably similar to the last week of high school. Excited, nervous, anxious, optomistic but really not at all, and scared shitless all at once. I can't wait to get away from everything I've grown so used to all these years in such a dirty city, and my mom's incessant-ness in general, but I can't imagine being without any of it. Without Crystal to call when it's all too much and I need to blow off steam and have " a night" like we have since we were fifteen. Without Maria and her drunken craziness I'm already so used to relying on. Without Kristin's clingy-boyfriend phone calls at all the wrong times for pizza and movie nights. Without Patty; fighting, crying, playing, joking, pissing off, making love.. everything that's always been us.
It's time to look ahead. To realize that this will be my last summer of craziness. I'm letting myself let go so much because I know that after this summer, I HAVE to grab on. Time to grab hold of responzibility, studying, school, work, and not taking time off to spend money I don't have. Time to learn the reality of student loans so my mom can finally relax, and enjoy her new life she's made for herself. I'll never let myself feel guilty for the things I've done and seen this summer, and more importantly I'll never let myself relive it. I'm soaking up every drop of being young and reckless that I possibly can. I am living any and every whim I feel like without a seconds thought to any of it past "don't forget the camera!"
I'm letting go of stress. Letting go of pain, of dad, of lost sleep, and of past heartache. I'm forgiving anyone who asks for it, and forgetting anyone who won't. I'm focusing only on the love in my heart, life in my lungs, and the anxiety in my feet. Time to go, time to see. Time to work is later, and I WILL work. I will get all the play I can out of my system. I will do everything I've ever wanted to. I will write more, think more, READ MORE, eat less, hydrate more, love more, guard less.
I will finally let go of Dad and the issues drilled into my brain by what he's done, and let nothing hold me back from becoming everything I want. Tallahassee is my chance. From here I can do anything in the world I want. This is my chance. I've screwed up too much. Time to live, and only the way I want to from now on.