People tell me I've been handling this very well.. everyone's been pretty amazed I haven't fallen apart... openly.. at all. And except for my little outburst at Gilberto, the bartender, who was so unfortunate to try and joke with me by making me stay at work and hang out a bit longer right as I was hitting the brink of tears.. He was not so fortunate. Or the once at Crystal when she was late for her own Birthday Dinner, and I was fresh with my resentment that she wasn't there for me through any of this, so I made her cry. On her Birthday.
Yeah, those few times I may have lost it a bit, but mainly I've been holding it together. Holding everyone else's hands at the memorial, picking out the flowers on behalf of Sam Seltzer's and delivering their food to her parents. It's not in the days I have problems, because even then if I'm thinking about her, it's because something reminded me of a memory we had, which only brings me to smiles not tears. And then I'll quietly talk to her for a minute, or send her a text message or something equally crazy and comforting.
Tears have been no stranger to me, but they're getting much fewer and farther between. Instead of crying, I'm choosing to live more the way she would have wanted me to. If I don't like someone, I'm making less effort to be fake and play nice. I'm speaking my mind, and setteling (ie. "making poor choices") MUCH less. And from there things have fallen into place, I believe both because of the changes I've made and a lot because of the help she's been giving me to make these changes.
I'm grateful to have such a good-hearted guardian angel taking care of me. I've seen things everywhere showing me she's here, hanging out with me. She was there laughing her ass off when I decided to quit Sam Selzter's yesterday, toasting me at my celebration at Applebees that night, and is waiting to meet Cooper when he comes home, seeing as I've always talked about him. She's freaking out because she can fianlly see that Erik Massie reallyyyyy does look just like Chris Eads, not that she ever doubted it.
I miss her everyday, but she's with me every second. So...yeah. I guess I've handled this pretty well, by focusing more on making her proud than on losing all my days.
I think she is :)
No comments:
Post a Comment