Give me a megaphone, please.

Last night I was supposed to go to a party with Drew Hayes to do and witness lots of illegal activities, I imagine, with a tonn of people from high school I haven't seen in years. I was more excited to see everyone and look so different and be so much more confident than anything else. My mom called me asking me to not drink. Begging, actually. I wasn't gonna drive, but for whatever reason I listened to her. Pitched a royal fit, like I was actually back in high school, but I listened. Still not fully sure why. I went out to eat at Steak n Shake with Patty, instead. First time I've seen him since before the accident. He wasn't there for me either, throughout this. Shock. He's been making me feel like it's nothing. Like he knows everything and I'm beign so dramatic, we weren't even friends. He's said nothing like that, but he makes me feel it. The same way he makes me somehow feel huge when we kiss, even though he's never said that, either.
He asked to see my tattoo and then roled his eyes, told me it was too big and what am I going to do when i'm 80? I said " I'll smile and remember my friend" He then proceeded to be a condescending arrogant dick, by telling me about his friend whose "best friend died, so she got her name tattooed small on her wrist. small. I liked THAT one"

So what? Maria and me weren't friends at all, and if that girl can manage to get a small tattoo, then surelyyyy I can too? It makes me furious just to think about, again. Not only was Maria actually my best friend, but she's turning out to be one of my ONLY friends. Patty went on talking about how he considers me one of two friends, that he can call at any hour and have be there for him. It only made me angrier because i would be there. In a heartbeat. because I really loved him. But all this time I've needed him and he wasn't there. In fact, all hes done is made me feel worse. In fact, thats all he's done in a long time.

I came home furious.... at Patty, at Crystal (all over again, poor thing..), at my mom for not letting em go to that stupid party...at the entire world, for everything. I lost it last night. I screamed at my mom at the top of my lungs about how angry I was at everything, I pulled my hair and crippled over. I cried and yelled my loudest for her to really hear me. how Not Okay I am. And instead she yelled back about drunk driving, and learning lessons about maria, and why am I so mad at her? Again, she didn't listen. She tried but she just... didn't. I screamed so she could hear me, and she still couldn't.

I don't know what to do.