I'm losing it.

I'd been feeling a LOT better the past month of so. I've been very caught up in the drama of Chance and his crazy ex, Amy, and then even more caught up in his BlackHole style way of life that I haven't seen before or since Land O Lakes. I think he was the "something happy" mom kept saying I needed to snap out of everything, that Cooper was supposed to be.

But now that the dramatics, and excitement of that is over and we're getting more compfrtable with eachother (which, don't get me wrong, I'm glad for), I'm starting to sink downish again..

driving home I was in a mood. I thought Chance was upset with me, (when it turned out it was all in my head and he was upset with his parents) and my one happy thing was potentially pulling out from under me, that simply I started to lose it again. Not lose it so much as I used to, or in the same way is what I should say... It was a very calm and quiet type of Fall-Apart. Driving home, my head just went into a tailspin, and while I can't at all say that thoughts of suicide were there, because I'm farrrrr from that point, I did start to imagine what it would be life if I were to just.. not make it to tomorrow, for natural or accidental causes. Who would be hurt, how would it affect them, what would I be missing out on, what do I have now that I would want to avoid that for?

The though of death has caused me so much anxiety since the day she died.. Both for good and bad, all I can think about is if it were my last day, how would I want to live it? (good), or I get sent into a panic over the people I love knowing that I could wake up tomorrow and they'd be gone. (bad). It's fucking with my head, and leaving me helpless feeling.

I thought I was fine this entire time, and that I was just emotional from the stress, and the Chance-drama, or PMS whenever that was a handy excuse to have. I thought I was doing so much better. but not I'm realizing how horribly frail I am. I used to be so strong... confident and happy. Small things didn't break me, and I bounced back quickly from the bigger things. I used to be strong.. But now the smallest things send me into tears, (and when it was over her every time I figured it was normal. but lately it'll have nothing to do with her.. I just cry over everything else) and every time things start to dip lower with Chance I just... sink. He's the only good thing I have going for me at the moment, and I hate realizing how dependant I've apparently become. I'm grateful for having something to pull me back up, but I wish it weren't just the one thing. Especially something so... not my own.

I need something good. I need nursing school, and something to do. Something I enjoy.. I don't even know what that is, anymore. What do I enjoy?? I can't remember. I can't remember what it's like to really laugh, or have the colors pop for me like they used to. I'm sure I've laughed since, but... I can't remember.

I was driving with Chance down dale mabry with I think Liv and Sam(?) in his Jeep last week, and the day was beutiful out, and the songs on the radio were good. Amy was entirely out of my head and he was holding my hand. I layed my head against the seat, soaked it all in and had one of those Quietly Very Happy moments to myself that I used to have all the time, for the first time since she died. And then my quiet mind made it's way around to wishing she were with me, enjoying these great times I'd found, and I suddenly became really... not sad, exactly. Disapointed, I guess? And immediatly, my mood was brought back down. It was like when I was at the Airport with mom a few days after it happened to see Mike, and we were laughing, and I immediately fell into uncontrollable tears. Even when I'm happy I feel quilty, and sad because she used to make me happy. She used to be who I'd call or text when things went good or ridiculous, or "problematic" and I couldn't do that. I can't tell her or share with her all the great things happening, and it's not fair that she doesn't get to enjoy them with me anymore. It's not fair to her, and I wouldn't do something unfair to her while she was alive, so why would I now??

I know she'd want me happy.. but it's hard.. its harder when I'm happy than when I'm sad. And it leaves me having days like today where I wonder what I'd be missing out on if something were to happen and I died.

and I don't see whats the fucking holdup on therapy.