GREAT answer.

So, to catch up.. I caved. Like I knew I would. We're back together.

Yesterday, I was being the most horrible person possible to Chance. I was loud, and a bitch and sarcastic. I rubbed everything he's ever done in his face, and twisted every single thing he had to say into something terrible. I picked fights and won them. And I Did. Not. Care. I realized I was being horribe, but I also "knew" he so deserved it! He was saying the things in the first place! its not myyy fault they're so easily twisted! maybe he should just speak better!

yeah....

And it didn't stop, not all day long. He just layed there and apologized and kept quiet. It wasn't until we'd gone to bed, and Crystal started texting me all upset about something that I started to cool it. Having to be so sweet for Crystal made me lose my anger, and suddenly it was perfectly clear why I was being so terrible... It's that time of the month again. And no, I do not mean the "yay I'm not pregnant!" kind. It's the "One week from today will be 5 months" kind.. and the only words I could muster before I lost my voice altogether to tears was " i'm sorry for being so horrible today. Its just.. b-b-b-ecauseeee" and he helped me to finish my sentence with an " I know why.. I'm here for you" *cue hysterics* He pulled me in close, and let me cry all over him. This is the third time now I've made this poor boy's chest all soggy. Once I started to regain normal breathing patterns again, I told him I was sorry. That he wasn't perfect but nobody was, and that I am truly lucky to have him.
Honestly.. what man does that? Who accepts a verbal beating for 10 hours straight, fully aware that it's for no good reason, having nothing to do with him, and just... takes it? He knew I was hurting, he knew why before I even realized it. He remembered her anniversary when only my mom has done that, and he set himself up to be my outlet... Who would calmly and willingly accept that abuse?
Maybe I'll laugh at myself for this months or years from now, and say "what the hell did I know" but after seeing how much he cared for me, and what he does for me that I may not always see... I think I really Love him.. god help me.

He saw it happen, too. Saw my face soften and my eyes light up. He rolled over me and kissed me slow, as we whispered to eachother about I don't even remember what. He kept asking me what I was thinking, trying to get me to elaborate, trying to get me to say it. The only answer I could muster being, "Just realizing how much I care for you.." causing the inevitable "How much is that?". My eyes got huge when he asked me. I looked up at him and lost myself in the battle between sage and sand in his eyes, curling my lips together for fear the words would fall off the tip of my tounge and out into the open air where nothing can be taken back. Even the occasional need to open my mouth and catch my stolen breath was a struggle to keep the words back where they belonged.. remembering Patty. Remembering it's not always best to say them, and it's scary for a reason. After an eternity of silence, I pulled myself close to him, and kissed him slow. He finally said "good answer".

heart vs head

because, when she looks at me my soul melts, her eyes are like stain glass windows that attempt to hid the interior but show amazing grace on the out side and upiroe fourm. She has a way with words. she can be the cutest yet at the same time stern in her words


i never treated her right, i always lied, mostly about small trivial things but big things as well. id flirt with other girls. id send wrong texts to other girls. honestly crystal there is not one reason i can think of, for why she would even talk to me again. all i did was take her good heart and crush it time and time again. I should'nt have done any of what i did to her. but i did and i dont see what i could ever do to make it up to her, who would take back some one like me, like would u take some one back if they did half the things i put her through?

bring onnnnn the Mindfuck <3

Last night I went to Erik's because we were both bored & had some drinks.
He decided to tell me that he still cares about me, Kickens was a horribly stupid decision (duh?) , implied that he hasn't been seeing anyone else in part because he'd been thinking about me, and said that in a perfect situation I'd leave Chance and we'd get back together, and he could see us together at least 8 months to a year..
FML.

In my own unmedical, unprofessional words:

So... Today at therapy I learned:
-- my dad truley and royally fucked me up beyonf beliefe. && my lashing out at the people I love while coping with everything, on top of the drinking and wishing for Acid so I could at least hallucinate her in front of me? yeah... thats me turning into my father. I need to watch my ass with the anger management.
-- my mom making me feel fat, and my dad making me feel immature and stupid is exactly why I clung so close to maria in the first place. She made me feel good, beautiful, needed and smart. her protector, advice giver, and friend. Now that she's gone, I feel especially shitty because I'm left with the self-defeating emotions mom & dad gave me when they were going through the divorce, and then some. (my own thoughts) it's probaly why i stuck with Chance through Amy, and why I didn't ask for help from anyone through any of this-- I feel like I'm a burden. Thanks, dad.
-- I need to ask for help, because everyone saying the wrong thing all the time is just a product of their not being able to read my mind. I need to excersize to release endorpins, give me something to do, and create a better body image that Maria isn't there anymore to give me.
-- Nursing school= very good call. I'm a caregiver in the most extreme sense of the word. It'll keep me from trying to "fix" my friends once I get started, and turn it into a healthy release.
-- (this one was hard) It's not crystals fault for bailing on me when I needed her. I blew her off, and left her without her best friend when I was with maria all the time. She was jealous and I wasn't there... it's selfish of me to think she can be there. (these are my words again) Like if I left my bf for a new one, he cheats on me and I think the first will console me? uhh.... no.
-- my life is over. Forever & ever will not be the same as I ever thought it would be. I am not the same and won't be. I need to figure out what kind of life would fufill me now and we'll work on making that happen.. cant exactly create a new "happy" life for me if I can't tell her what to help me create.

homework? Exercise && figure out what in my believe system (ie mom and dad) is holding me back from creating a happy life && functioning without my Self-esteem creater (maria).
Fin.

Maria Cecilia Scholaship Fund.

I came upon her 3 month anniversary doing considerably well. It actually surprised me how well I was handling it, after handling 2 months so badly. I guess it was just saving up, because I handled Four Months horribly. It crept up on me from over a week away, and progressed from there. Poor Chance, and Mom. I took it out on both of them. It was in light of how depressed I found myself becoming that I took finding a therapist and getting it approved by insurance into my own hands, just like when I got my breast reduction. Obviously, I make thing happen, because a week later, I have my first session tomorrow.. I'm kind of nervous.
I've done all these reckless things and had these terrible thoughts, and what with the way I grew up.. who knows what kind of things may be wrong with me.. I don't doubt there are. I cheated on him and feel no guilt. Not even the slightest bit of a twinge. I've never had much of a conscience.. thats weird.
I handled the Day Of fairly well though, for whatever reason I'm like that. I count down and fall apart, and then when the anniversary finally hits, I'm fine. I went to her parents for dinner-- they called and asked me to. Now there's something I feel guilt for, not keeping up with them. I KNOW she'd want me to.. it's hard. In any case, I went over there for the first time in months and what am I hit with?? They're creating on scholarship in Maria's name... and awarding it to me. I'm fairly sure my jaw hit the floor. I am.... grateful, and a little at peace to know something of her will be carried on through me. I am depressed and lonely and would give it all back to have her with me, no question. I am wishing I had spent more time with her near the end, and not created distance for safety, considering now it's what haunts me. I feel not deserving, having blown her off when she was needing me, for not being in that damn car when she begged me to come along. Whose to say if I would have drank that night-- I usually don't drink at concerts.. I could have drove them home, if I'd gone like she begged me to for weeks. Instead I lied and made up stupid excuses that she saw right through on why I couldn't go. I still don't know why I didn't.. I love concerts, and I love All American Rejects... why didn't I do?
I blew her off, and now I've been blowing her parents off, and how am I punished? I'm given her scholarship..
I'm grateful and miserable.