In my own unmedical, unprofessional words:

So... Today at therapy I learned:
-- my dad truley and royally fucked me up beyonf beliefe. && my lashing out at the people I love while coping with everything, on top of the drinking and wishing for Acid so I could at least hallucinate her in front of me? yeah... thats me turning into my father. I need to watch my ass with the anger management.
-- my mom making me feel fat, and my dad making me feel immature and stupid is exactly why I clung so close to maria in the first place. She made me feel good, beautiful, needed and smart. her protector, advice giver, and friend. Now that she's gone, I feel especially shitty because I'm left with the self-defeating emotions mom & dad gave me when they were going through the divorce, and then some. (my own thoughts) it's probaly why i stuck with Chance through Amy, and why I didn't ask for help from anyone through any of this-- I feel like I'm a burden. Thanks, dad.
-- I need to ask for help, because everyone saying the wrong thing all the time is just a product of their not being able to read my mind. I need to excersize to release endorpins, give me something to do, and create a better body image that Maria isn't there anymore to give me.
-- Nursing school= very good call. I'm a caregiver in the most extreme sense of the word. It'll keep me from trying to "fix" my friends once I get started, and turn it into a healthy release.
-- (this one was hard) It's not crystals fault for bailing on me when I needed her. I blew her off, and left her without her best friend when I was with maria all the time. She was jealous and I wasn't there... it's selfish of me to think she can be there. (these are my words again) Like if I left my bf for a new one, he cheats on me and I think the first will console me? uhh.... no.
-- my life is over. Forever & ever will not be the same as I ever thought it would be. I am not the same and won't be. I need to figure out what kind of life would fufill me now and we'll work on making that happen.. cant exactly create a new "happy" life for me if I can't tell her what to help me create.

homework? Exercise && figure out what in my believe system (ie mom and dad) is holding me back from creating a happy life && functioning without my Self-esteem creater (maria).
Fin.