Maria Cecilia Scholaship Fund.

I came upon her 3 month anniversary doing considerably well. It actually surprised me how well I was handling it, after handling 2 months so badly. I guess it was just saving up, because I handled Four Months horribly. It crept up on me from over a week away, and progressed from there. Poor Chance, and Mom. I took it out on both of them. It was in light of how depressed I found myself becoming that I took finding a therapist and getting it approved by insurance into my own hands, just like when I got my breast reduction. Obviously, I make thing happen, because a week later, I have my first session tomorrow.. I'm kind of nervous.
I've done all these reckless things and had these terrible thoughts, and what with the way I grew up.. who knows what kind of things may be wrong with me.. I don't doubt there are. I cheated on him and feel no guilt. Not even the slightest bit of a twinge. I've never had much of a conscience.. thats weird.
I handled the Day Of fairly well though, for whatever reason I'm like that. I count down and fall apart, and then when the anniversary finally hits, I'm fine. I went to her parents for dinner-- they called and asked me to. Now there's something I feel guilt for, not keeping up with them. I KNOW she'd want me to.. it's hard. In any case, I went over there for the first time in months and what am I hit with?? They're creating on scholarship in Maria's name... and awarding it to me. I'm fairly sure my jaw hit the floor. I am.... grateful, and a little at peace to know something of her will be carried on through me. I am depressed and lonely and would give it all back to have her with me, no question. I am wishing I had spent more time with her near the end, and not created distance for safety, considering now it's what haunts me. I feel not deserving, having blown her off when she was needing me, for not being in that damn car when she begged me to come along. Whose to say if I would have drank that night-- I usually don't drink at concerts.. I could have drove them home, if I'd gone like she begged me to for weeks. Instead I lied and made up stupid excuses that she saw right through on why I couldn't go. I still don't know why I didn't.. I love concerts, and I love All American Rejects... why didn't I do?
I blew her off, and now I've been blowing her parents off, and how am I punished? I'm given her scholarship..
I'm grateful and miserable.