Swim for brighter days despite the absence of sun

So. me and Chance are "taking some space" and I think thats the first time those words have ever been uttered and genuinely meant to better things, not step away.
After a very long talk last night, we got a lot of things out in the open.. I knew I'd been growing more.... i don't know. Different? lately.. but according to him I'd turned into an empty shell, very depressing and not my normal self. Coming from the guy who met me right in the middle of my incredible Maria depression? that is seriously saying something. Hearing that from him seriously shook me. So this morning I went for a walk. A veryyy long walk to clear my head and release some endorphins. I realized on this walk, that I've been putting all the pressure of my moods on Chance, and thats not at all fair, or even do-able for that matter. He is in no way in control of my emotions, I am. But after so long of dealing with everything I've tried to deal with... it's exhausting. I'm so tired, so worn, from holding myself together after maria, that I just... ugh. I just wanted someone else to pick up the slack for me for a while, and hold me together while I took a break. Apparently thats not really possible.
The second he first told me he was taking space, I fell apart. And I mean really, lost it. I cried for about 2 days straight, sure he was leaving me. All the while, mind you, he's assuring me that he still loves me and this is not a Break. I found myself crying on the bathroom floor last night when it occured to me that there was NO REASON to be falling apart so heavily. That it was no coincidence that the second my Happy Thing left, I was falling right back into the same state I was in before I met him. So what, as soon as he leaves me I'm gonna end up back on the couch crying over Maria all day long? No. No no no. I never want to be there again, it was miserable, killed my spirit, and took years off my life, I'm sure.
After this epiphony, we ahd our long talk and realized a LOT. He apologized for "making me feel like I had to get into his everything to feel like he wanted me. It never should have gotten to that point". I hadn't realized until he said it, but that was very true. We got a lot out in the open,a nd off our chests. We're taking some time apart to learn to miss eachother again, and not take eachother for granted, and then we're gonna spend some seriousss time together and "go at this like a bull in a china shop". We are probably the worst couple ever, but we really do love eachother... I wonder if that really is enough.
In any case, today I ran errands for my sick mother, ran, took pictures, had a chat with a cute old man on my run ( his dog was dying of cancer :( and he said "they're like humans.. the body can only take so much. Hit me kinda close to home) , took a nap, and made a hair appt for wednesday. I feel very productive and I think my endorphins are still going. I like it. I miss being happy. On the walk home, I also decided I was ready to put Maria behind me. I'm sure I'll still cry here and there, but I'm not feeling guilty for being happy. It's not unfair that I get to live, because shes FAR from miserable where she is. Shes not RESTING in peace, she's playing with Jeffy, and John Lennon and laughing at our stupid asses. She wouldn't want me sad.. she never did. I don't know why I believed she would be betrayed by my happiness. Yes I'll still miss her, I always will, but maybe in a different way? I hope so.. Cause my body cannot take this anymore.
I also decided after taking with a little boy on my run, that I hate my job. It's killing my soul, no lie. Staring off into a computer screen all day? Thats NOT ME. I need something social, something active and feeling like I'm doing something.. anything. If I don't get the job at FHP saturday, then I'm quitting, taking the paycut, voluntarily killing my immune system, and going back to my daycare. I miss my babies <3

Hopefully these changes will make things right with Chance, seeing as they're already helping myself. Cause I really do love him.

When asked, "why???"

Because there's a lot of guys that I really could have loved.
Chance is someone I couldn't help but love.