If you ask me if I love him, I'll lie.

So. gah.
It's been a while. "space" only lasted 5 or 6 days, and after that, life was perfect. There were small tensions involving his ex Alli, but he never really did anything wrong, I was still just lacking in trust from Shelly and Amy, which I think is perfectly reasonable considering his ass is lucky that I even stayed through it all. The past couple months, May especially, have been wonderful and perfect, and- again mostly May- we have both fallen completely for eachother.
However... it turns out the whole reason he panicked and asked for space? oh.... he cheated on me. twice. with brandy, his "best friend", in early April. It was the first time they'd slept together in 2 years of tensions, so I guess it was coming sooner or later. but hes still a baby and I'm absolutely sick of all the girls that he was gonna be getting with "sooner or later". Hes so stoic that he freaks out every time he feels a lack of control over his emotions which, by definition, is love; total lack of control. it's no wonder every time we get closer he freaks out and hooks up with someone who he really never could fall for. And he admitted to me a few weeks ago that he said he loved me before he was ready. He felt it, but he wasnt ready to take it to that level. Apparently it was after the 2nd time with Brandy that he felt total guilt and realized how much I meant to him. I, however, found out ALL of this in one big tidal wave of information.
I love him. I understand him. I freaked out when I found out, and fully trashed his room with the help of all his best friends, roommates, and brandy herself. But this is very clearly not working out. I'm too much of a romantic, and cynic (somehow?) to throw away love.. even though it was hard for me to believe he loves me with everything he did.. but in all fairness he didnt love me when he did it... whatever.
I know I'm being an idiot for even going this far, but I invited him to Plant City last night. we talked for 8 hours straight, slept together (yeah, whoops) I cried, he got choked up and he left under the impression that we'd be together because I loved him and I just wanted to pretend it never happened and forget it all, but not to tell anyone. Like a secret relationship? Because i was so ashamed to have taken him back again. Obviously that was not even a rational solution, but it was absurd enough to get me some sleep. I woke up this morning knowing that if I were really going to be so stupid as to stay with him, then I knew what I needed to do.
We've spoke all day, ironing out details and finally agreed on our plan of action. Next week he's house sitting/ babysitting for his parents while they're all out of town somewhere. We're gonna take that week like a honeymoon, or something. Enjoy every second we have alone together. After that.... its time for a break. He's got a LOT of growing up to do, and I realize that I rely my emotions and stability wayyyy too much on him. My only worry is IF nursing school starts in August, I wont have the time to devote to us that we're REALLY gonna need, for another year... There's no way to predict that and I guess its a bridge we'll just have to cross when we get there..
I realize, for the record of reading this months or years from now, that I'm being an idiot. Any sane person would leave his lying cheating sorry ass in a minute, and months ago for that matter. But if I were sane I would not be in love. I see myself repeating my mothers history and is scares me, but... I love him. And that means that I'll stand by him and do whatever I think it may take to make this work. And at the end of the day, if it doesn't work, at least I'll walk away from a relationship knowing I gave it my all, for once.