So many people are looking at me to be strong and to fight

.. but I'm just surviving.



So... Mike is home for a month, and was laying on the ground. He'd annoyed me the night before, so I threw a tennis ball- aimed to go over his head for cooper to go after- but it accidently hit him on the side of his face. I felt really bad and kinda stood there stunned for a second. Right as I opened my mouth to apologize he sits up and kinda yells " what the HELL are you doing!?". I got really pissed. He had no right to yell at me! It was an accident and I was about to apologize if he hadn't beat me to it to freakin yell at me! So, I stormed off all pissed.
He kinda came after me a few minutes later and calmly asked why I was mad when I was the one who threw a ball at his face? He then went on to say that hes known this about me for a while but just now figured out how to put it into words-- that when I feel guilty or bad about something I have a way of turning it around on the other person so I can get mad at them and not have to feel bad anymore. As soon as he said it, I instantly burst into tears. Like, sobbing disgusting mess tears. I went to my room, layed down, curled into a ball and cried my eyes out. I thought of Maria, of me and Chances entire relationship, of every fight my mom and I have had, of the last time my dad and I really got into it. I didn't realize right away why I was crying or thinking of all these things. I assumed I was PMSing? or just mad at Chance for not letting me drive him to his surgery and Mike yelling at me was just bothering me in a delicate condition.
Then, as I began pulling myself together... I realized I've been in a constant delicate condition for the past 9 months now.. I've known for a long time that I am not ok. That I should not still be so angry at the world. I've been assuming that the way I healed was just... angry. I healed poorly and was therefore stuck angry.. but thats not the way it works, is it? I feel silly for still being so fully controlled by her death and that I should have coped with it by now like I've assumed I have. I guess when it comes down to it, you can't lose control of something you still let carry over you.
I've finally come to realize.. mom was right. My therapist was right. Everyone. I feel very guilty for so many things. That she died, when I know perfectly well I wouldn't have gotten drunk at that concert if I had gone like she begged me to. Like I wanted to. But i didn't go because I had been neglecting her the past 2 or so months of her life. Annoyed with the drama, tired of getting fucked up every night, and mostly petrified that I wouldn't be able to help her when the day came that she finally killed herself and deserpately trying to avoid the pain I would feel when that day came. I could have prevented her death, I could have bettered her life, I could have done a lot of things that I just... didn't. Because I wasn't drunk and dying next to her where I should have been. And, just like Mike said I do, I've been taking it out on everyone else because she's not here to take it out on. I've picked fights with Chance, even going so far as to point out what he did wrong in execution when he tries to be cute with me. Maybe because she never had Gary love her back, I don't want to be happy in love. Because thats not fair. Why should I get to be happy?
I've done everything I could to make Chance as miserable as I am. Snapped at Kristin, Andrew, Garrett, Crystal... anyone I come in contact with. Exploded on my mom and dad on the few occasioans they actually don't deserve it. Exploded on Chance for every little thing he does wrong, big or small, regardless of if he meant well.

I need to stop this. Now that I realize whats wrong with me, and whats provoking my anger how do I learn how to control it? How do I stop it? I wish I knew...