Remember to breathe

So many people are looking at me to be strong and to fight

2009-08-08T22:19:00.002-05:00

.. but I'm just surviving.

So... Mike is home for a month, and was laying on the ground. He'd annoyed me the night before, so I threw a tennis ball- aimed to go over his head for cooper to go after- but it accidently hit him on the side of his face. I felt really bad and kinda stood there stunned for a second. Right as I opened my mouth to apologize he sits up and kinda yells " what the HELL are you doing!?". I got really pissed. He had no right to yell at me! It was an accident and I was about to apologize if he hadn't beat me to it to freakin yell at me! So, I stormed off all pissed.
He kinda came after me a few minutes later and calmly asked why I was mad when I was the one who threw a ball at his face? He then went on to say that hes known this about me for a while but just now figured out how to put it into words-- that when I feel guilty or bad about something I have a way of turning it around on the other person so I can get mad at them and not have to feel bad anymore. As soon as he said it, I instantly burst into tears. Like, sobbing disgusting mess tears. I went to my room, layed down, curled into a ball and cried my eyes out. I thought of Maria, of me and Chances entire relationship, of every fight my mom and I have had, of the last time my dad and I really got into it. I didn't realize right away why I was crying or thinking of all these things. I assumed I was PMSing? or just mad at Chance for not letting me drive him to his surgery and Mike yelling at me was just bothering me in a delicate condition.
Then, as I began pulling myself together... I realized I've been in a constant delicate condition for the past 9 months now.. I've known for a long time that I am not ok. That I should not still be so angry at the world. I've been assuming that the way I healed was just... angry. I healed poorly and was therefore stuck angry.. but thats not the way it works, is it? I feel silly for still being so fully controlled by her death and that I should have coped with it by now like I've assumed I have. I guess when it comes down to it, you can't lose control of something you still let carry over you.
I've finally come to realize.. mom was right. My therapist was right. Everyone. I feel very guilty for so many things. That she died, when I know perfectly well I wouldn't have gotten drunk at that concert if I had gone like she begged me to. Like I wanted to. But i didn't go because I had been neglecting her the past 2 or so months of her life. Annoyed with the drama, tired of getting fucked up every night, and mostly petrified that I wouldn't be able to help her when the day came that she finally killed herself and deserpately trying to avoid the pain I would feel when that day came. I could have prevented her death, I could have bettered her life, I could have done a lot of things that I just... didn't. Because I wasn't drunk and dying next to her where I should have been. And, just like Mike said I do, I've been taking it out on everyone else because she's not here to take it out on. I've picked fights with Chance, even going so far as to point out what he did wrong in execution when he tries to be cute with me. Maybe because she never had Gary love her back, I don't want to be happy in love. Because thats not fair. Why should I get to be happy?
I've done everything I could to make Chance as miserable as I am. Snapped at Kristin, Andrew, Garrett, Crystal... anyone I come in contact with. Exploded on my mom and dad on the few occasioans they actually don't deserve it. Exploded on Chance for every little thing he does wrong, big or small, regardless of if he meant well.

I need to stop this. Now that I realize whats wrong with me, and whats provoking my anger how do I learn how to control it? How do I stop it? I wish I knew...

If you ask me if I love him, I'll lie.

2009-06-01T15:44:00.003-05:00

So. gah.
It's been a while. "space" only lasted 5 or 6 days, and after that, life was perfect. There were small tensions involving his ex Alli, but he never really did anything wrong, I was still just lacking in trust from Shelly and Amy, which I think is perfectly reasonable considering his ass is lucky that I even stayed through it all. The past couple months, May especially, have been wonderful and perfect, and- again mostly May- we have both fallen completely for eachother.
However... it turns out the whole reason he panicked and asked for space? oh.... he cheated on me. twice. with brandy, his "best friend", in early April. It was the first time they'd slept together in 2 years of tensions, so I guess it was coming sooner or later. but hes still a baby and I'm absolutely sick of all the girls that he was gonna be getting with "sooner or later". Hes so stoic that he freaks out every time he feels a lack of control over his emotions which, by definition, is love; total lack of control. it's no wonder every time we get closer he freaks out and hooks up with someone who he really never could fall for. And he admitted to me a few weeks ago that he said he loved me before he was ready. He felt it, but he wasnt ready to take it to that level. Apparently it was after the 2nd time with Brandy that he felt total guilt and realized how much I meant to him. I, however, found out ALL of this in one big tidal wave of information.
I love him. I understand him. I freaked out when I found out, and fully trashed his room with the help of all his best friends, roommates, and brandy herself. But this is very clearly not working out. I'm too much of a romantic, and cynic (somehow?) to throw away love.. even though it was hard for me to believe he loves me with everything he did.. but in all fairness he didnt love me when he did it... whatever.
I know I'm being an idiot for even going this far, but I invited him to Plant City last night. we talked for 8 hours straight, slept together (yeah, whoops) I cried, he got choked up and he left under the impression that we'd be together because I loved him and I just wanted to pretend it never happened and forget it all, but not to tell anyone. Like a secret relationship? Because i was so ashamed to have taken him back again. Obviously that was not even a rational solution, but it was absurd enough to get me some sleep. I woke up this morning knowing that if I were really going to be so stupid as to stay with him, then I knew what I needed to do.
We've spoke all day, ironing out details and finally agreed on our plan of action. Next week he's house sitting/ babysitting for his parents while they're all out of town somewhere. We're gonna take that week like a honeymoon, or something. Enjoy every second we have alone together. After that.... its time for a break. He's got a LOT of growing up to do, and I realize that I rely my emotions and stability wayyyy too much on him. My only worry is IF nursing school starts in August, I wont have the time to devote to us that we're REALLY gonna need, for another year... There's no way to predict that and I guess its a bridge we'll just have to cross when we get there..
I realize, for the record of reading this months or years from now, that I'm being an idiot. Any sane person would leave his lying cheating sorry ass in a minute, and months ago for that matter. But if I were sane I would not be in love. I see myself repeating my mothers history and is scares me, but... I love him. And that means that I'll stand by him and do whatever I think it may take to make this work. And at the end of the day, if it doesn't work, at least I'll walk away from a relationship knowing I gave it my all, for once.

Swim for brighter days despite the absence of sun

2009-04-16T19:05:00.004-05:00

So. me and Chance are "taking some space" and I think thats the first time those words have ever been uttered and genuinely meant to better things, not step away.
After a very long talk last night, we got a lot of things out in the open.. I knew I'd been growing more.... i don't know. Different? lately.. but according to him I'd turned into an empty shell, very depressing and not my normal self. Coming from the guy who met me right in the middle of my incredible Maria depression? that is seriously saying something. Hearing that from him seriously shook me. So this morning I went for a walk. A veryyy long walk to clear my head and release some endorphins. I realized on this walk, that I've been putting all the pressure of my moods on Chance, and thats not at all fair, or even do-able for that matter. He is in no way in control of my emotions, I am. But after so long of dealing with everything I've tried to deal with... it's exhausting. I'm so tired, so worn, from holding myself together after maria, that I just... ugh. I just wanted someone else to pick up the slack for me for a while, and hold me together while I took a break. Apparently thats not really possible.
The second he first told me he was taking space, I fell apart. And I mean really, lost it. I cried for about 2 days straight, sure he was leaving me. All the while, mind you, he's assuring me that he still loves me and this is not a Break. I found myself crying on the bathroom floor last night when it occured to me that there was NO REASON to be falling apart so heavily. That it was no coincidence that the second my Happy Thing left, I was falling right back into the same state I was in before I met him. So what, as soon as he leaves me I'm gonna end up back on the couch crying over Maria all day long? No. No no no. I never want to be there again, it was miserable, killed my spirit, and took years off my life, I'm sure.
After this epiphony, we ahd our long talk and realized a LOT. He apologized for "making me feel like I had to get into his everything to feel like he wanted me. It never should have gotten to that point". I hadn't realized until he said it, but that was very true. We got a lot out in the open,a nd off our chests. We're taking some time apart to learn to miss eachother again, and not take eachother for granted, and then we're gonna spend some seriousss time together and "go at this like a bull in a china shop". We are probably the worst couple ever, but we really do love eachother... I wonder if that really is enough.
In any case, today I ran errands for my sick mother, ran, took pictures, had a chat with a cute old man on my run ( his dog was dying of cancer :( and he said "they're like humans.. the body can only take so much. Hit me kinda close to home) , took a nap, and made a hair appt for wednesday. I feel very productive and I think my endorphins are still going. I like it. I miss being happy. On the walk home, I also decided I was ready to put Maria behind me. I'm sure I'll still cry here and there, but I'm not feeling guilty for being happy. It's not unfair that I get to live, because shes FAR from miserable where she is. Shes not RESTING in peace, she's playing with Jeffy, and John Lennon and laughing at our stupid asses. She wouldn't want me sad.. she never did. I don't know why I believed she would be betrayed by my happiness. Yes I'll still miss her, I always will, but maybe in a different way? I hope so.. Cause my body cannot take this anymore.
I also decided after taking with a little boy on my run, that I hate my job. It's killing my soul, no lie. Staring off into a computer screen all day? Thats NOT ME. I need something social, something active and feeling like I'm doing something.. anything. If I don't get the job at FHP saturday, then I'm quitting, taking the paycut, voluntarily killing my immune system, and going back to my daycare. I miss my babies <3

Hopefully these changes will make things right with Chance, seeing as they're already helping myself. Cause I really do love him.

When asked, "why???"

2009-04-10T08:30:00.002-05:00

Because there's a lot of guys that I really could have loved.
Chance is someone I couldn't help but love.

GREAT answer.

2009-03-31T09:50:00.006-05:00

So, to catch up.. I caved. Like I knew I would. We're back together.

Yesterday, I was being the most horrible person possible to Chance. I was loud, and a bitch and sarcastic. I rubbed everything he's ever done in his face, and twisted every single thing he had to say into something terrible. I picked fights and won them. And I Did. Not. Care. I realized I was being horribe, but I also "knew" he so deserved it! He was saying the things in the first place! its not myyy fault they're so easily twisted! maybe he should just speak better!

yeah....

And it didn't stop, not all day long. He just layed there and apologized and kept quiet. It wasn't until we'd gone to bed, and Crystal started texting me all upset about something that I started to cool it. Having to be so sweet for Crystal made me lose my anger, and suddenly it was perfectly clear why I was being so terrible... It's that time of the month again. And no, I do not mean the "yay I'm not pregnant!" kind. It's the "One week from today will be 5 months" kind.. and the only words I could muster before I lost my voice altogether to tears was " i'm sorry for being so horrible today. Its just.. b-b-b-ecauseeee" and he helped me to finish my sentence with an " I know why.. I'm here for you" *cue hysterics* He pulled me in close, and let me cry all over him. This is the third time now I've made this poor boy's chest all soggy. Once I started to regain normal breathing patterns again, I told him I was sorry. That he wasn't perfect but nobody was, and that I am truly lucky to have him.
Honestly.. what man does that? Who accepts a verbal beating for 10 hours straight, fully aware that it's for no good reason, having nothing to do with him, and just... takes it? He knew I was hurting, he knew why before I even realized it. He remembered her anniversary when only my mom has done that, and he set himself up to be my outlet... Who would calmly and willingly accept that abuse?
Maybe I'll laugh at myself for this months or years from now, and say "what the hell did I know" but after seeing how much he cared for me, and what he does for me that I may not always see... I think I really Love him.. god help me.

He saw it happen, too. Saw my face soften and my eyes light up. He rolled over me and kissed me slow, as we whispered to eachother about I don't even remember what. He kept asking me what I was thinking, trying to get me to elaborate, trying to get me to say it. The only answer I could muster being, "Just realizing how much I care for you.." causing the inevitable "How much is that?". My eyes got huge when he asked me. I looked up at him and lost myself in the battle between sage and sand in his eyes, curling my lips together for fear the words would fall off the tip of my tounge and out into the open air where nothing can be taken back. Even the occasional need to open my mouth and catch my stolen breath was a struggle to keep the words back where they belonged.. remembering Patty. Remembering it's not always best to say them, and it's scary for a reason. After an eternity of silence, I pulled myself close to him, and kissed him slow. He finally said "good answer".

heart vs head

2009-03-23T04:01:00.003-05:00

because, when she looks at me my soul melts, her eyes are like stain glass windows that attempt to hid the interior but show amazing grace on the out side and upiroe fourm. She has a way with words. she can be the cutest yet at the same time stern in her words

i never treated her right, i always lied, mostly about small trivial things but big things as well. id flirt with other girls. id send wrong texts to other girls. honestly crystal there is not one reason i can think of, for why she would even talk to me again. all i did was take her good heart and crush it time and time again. I should'nt have done any of what i did to her. but i did and i dont see what i could ever do to make it up to her, who would take back some one like me, like would u take some one back if they did half the things i put her through?

bring onnnnn the Mindfuck <3

2009-03-16T13:10:00.003-05:00

Last night I went to Erik's because we were both bored & had some drinks.
He decided to tell me that he still cares about me, Kickens was a horribly stupid decision (duh?) , implied that he hasn't been seeing anyone else in part because he'd been thinking about me, and said that in a perfect situation I'd leave Chance and we'd get back together, and he could see us together at least 8 months to a year..
FML.

In my own unmedical, unprofessional words:

2009-03-11T12:56:00.003-05:00

So... Today at therapy I learned:
-- my dad truley and royally fucked me up beyonf beliefe. && my lashing out at the people I love while coping with everything, on top of the drinking and wishing for Acid so I could at least hallucinate her in front of me? yeah... thats me turning into my father. I need to watch my ass with the anger management.
-- my mom making me feel fat, and my dad making me feel immature and stupid is exactly why I clung so close to maria in the first place. She made me feel good, beautiful, needed and smart. her protector, advice giver, and friend. Now that she's gone, I feel especially shitty because I'm left with the self-defeating emotions mom & dad gave me when they were going through the divorce, and then some. (my own thoughts) it's probaly why i stuck with Chance through Amy, and why I didn't ask for help from anyone through any of this-- I feel like I'm a burden. Thanks, dad.
-- I need to ask for help, because everyone saying the wrong thing all the time is just a product of their not being able to read my mind. I need to excersize to release endorpins, give me something to do, and create a better body image that Maria isn't there anymore to give me.
-- Nursing school= very good call. I'm a caregiver in the most extreme sense of the word. It'll keep me from trying to "fix" my friends once I get started, and turn it into a healthy release.
-- (this one was hard) It's not crystals fault for bailing on me when I needed her. I blew her off, and left her without her best friend when I was with maria all the time. She was jealous and I wasn't there... it's selfish of me to think she can be there. (these are my words again) Like if I left my bf for a new one, he cheats on me and I think the first will console me? uhh.... no.
-- my life is over. Forever & ever will not be the same as I ever thought it would be. I am not the same and won't be. I need to figure out what kind of life would fufill me now and we'll work on making that happen.. cant exactly create a new "happy" life for me if I can't tell her what to help me create.

homework? Exercise && figure out what in my believe system (ie mom and dad) is holding me back from creating a happy life && functioning without my Self-esteem creater (maria).
Fin.

Maria Cecilia Scholaship Fund.

2009-03-10T10:24:00.002-05:00

I came upon her 3 month anniversary doing considerably well. It actually surprised me how well I was handling it, after handling 2 months so badly. I guess it was just saving up, because I handled Four Months horribly. It crept up on me from over a week away, and progressed from there. Poor Chance, and Mom. I took it out on both of them. It was in light of how depressed I found myself becoming that I took finding a therapist and getting it approved by insurance into my own hands, just like when I got my breast reduction. Obviously, I make thing happen, because a week later, I have my first session tomorrow.. I'm kind of nervous.
I've done all these reckless things and had these terrible thoughts, and what with the way I grew up.. who knows what kind of things may be wrong with me.. I don't doubt there are. I cheated on him and feel no guilt. Not even the slightest bit of a twinge. I've never had much of a conscience.. thats weird.
I handled the Day Of fairly well though, for whatever reason I'm like that. I count down and fall apart, and then when the anniversary finally hits, I'm fine. I went to her parents for dinner-- they called and asked me to. Now there's something I feel guilt for, not keeping up with them. I KNOW she'd want me to.. it's hard. In any case, I went over there for the first time in months and what am I hit with?? They're creating on scholarship in Maria's name... and awarding it to me. I'm fairly sure my jaw hit the floor. I am.... grateful, and a little at peace to know something of her will be carried on through me. I am depressed and lonely and would give it all back to have her with me, no question. I am wishing I had spent more time with her near the end, and not created distance for safety, considering now it's what haunts me. I feel not deserving, having blown her off when she was needing me, for not being in that damn car when she begged me to come along. Whose to say if I would have drank that night-- I usually don't drink at concerts.. I could have drove them home, if I'd gone like she begged me to for weeks. Instead I lied and made up stupid excuses that she saw right through on why I couldn't go. I still don't know why I didn't.. I love concerts, and I love All American Rejects... why didn't I do?
I blew her off, and now I've been blowing her parents off, and how am I punished? I'm given her scholarship..
I'm grateful and miserable.

I'm losing it.

2009-02-22T21:54:00.003-05:00

I'd been feeling a LOT better the past month of so. I've been very caught up in the drama of Chance and his crazy ex, Amy, and then even more caught up in his BlackHole style way of life that I haven't seen before or since Land O Lakes. I think he was the "something happy" mom kept saying I needed to snap out of everything, that Cooper was supposed to be.

But now that the dramatics, and excitement of that is over and we're getting more compfrtable with eachother (which, don't get me wrong, I'm glad for), I'm starting to sink downish again..

driving home I was in a mood. I thought Chance was upset with me, (when it turned out it was all in my head and he was upset with his parents) and my one happy thing was potentially pulling out from under me, that simply I started to lose it again. Not lose it so much as I used to, or in the same way is what I should say... It was a very calm and quiet type of Fall-Apart. Driving home, my head just went into a tailspin, and while I can't at all say that thoughts of suicide were there, because I'm farrrrr from that point, I did start to imagine what it would be life if I were to just.. not make it to tomorrow, for natural or accidental causes. Who would be hurt, how would it affect them, what would I be missing out on, what do I have now that I would want to avoid that for?

The though of death has caused me so much anxiety since the day she died.. Both for good and bad, all I can think about is if it were my last day, how would I want to live it? (good), or I get sent into a panic over the people I love knowing that I could wake up tomorrow and they'd be gone. (bad). It's fucking with my head, and leaving me helpless feeling.

I thought I was fine this entire time, and that I was just emotional from the stress, and the Chance-drama, or PMS whenever that was a handy excuse to have. I thought I was doing so much better. but not I'm realizing how horribly frail I am. I used to be so strong... confident and happy. Small things didn't break me, and I bounced back quickly from the bigger things. I used to be strong.. But now the smallest things send me into tears, (and when it was over her every time I figured it was normal. but lately it'll have nothing to do with her.. I just cry over everything else) and every time things start to dip lower with Chance I just... sink. He's the only good thing I have going for me at the moment, and I hate realizing how dependant I've apparently become. I'm grateful for having something to pull me back up, but I wish it weren't just the one thing. Especially something so... not my own.

I need something good. I need nursing school, and something to do. Something I enjoy.. I don't even know what that is, anymore. What do I enjoy?? I can't remember. I can't remember what it's like to really laugh, or have the colors pop for me like they used to. I'm sure I've laughed since, but... I can't remember.

I was driving with Chance down dale mabry with I think Liv and Sam(?) in his Jeep last week, and the day was beutiful out, and the songs on the radio were good. Amy was entirely out of my head and he was holding my hand. I layed my head against the seat, soaked it all in and had one of those Quietly Very Happy moments to myself that I used to have all the time, for the first time since she died. And then my quiet mind made it's way around to wishing she were with me, enjoying these great times I'd found, and I suddenly became really... not sad, exactly. Disapointed, I guess? And immediatly, my mood was brought back down. It was like when I was at the Airport with mom a few days after it happened to see Mike, and we were laughing, and I immediately fell into uncontrollable tears. Even when I'm happy I feel quilty, and sad because she used to make me happy. She used to be who I'd call or text when things went good or ridiculous, or "problematic" and I couldn't do that. I can't tell her or share with her all the great things happening, and it's not fair that she doesn't get to enjoy them with me anymore. It's not fair to her, and I wouldn't do something unfair to her while she was alive, so why would I now??

I know she'd want me happy.. but it's hard.. its harder when I'm happy than when I'm sad. And it leaves me having days like today where I wonder what I'd be missing out on if something were to happen and I died.

and I don't see whats the fucking holdup on therapy.

you opened me up to a new world..

2009-01-07T11:01:00.007-05:00

&& now I feel like I'm missing a piece of mine.

leave it to me to avoid the situation long enough that I don't realize it's at 2 months until I'm already drunk, just past midnight.
The cure? Apparently keep drinking.
I miss her :(

I cave, I cave.

2008-12-26T01:24:00.003-05:00

I'm getting help. I know I need it. Hell, even if this had never happened, I'd still probably need it. hah. Apparently mom already knows a great woman on harbor Island who helped Brian when his dad died. So... I'll go see her.

It's fucking Christmas, and my dad decided to drill Maria's death into my as a driving school lesson. Really?? Today was hard enough, fuck you. I lost it a bit. Cried the whole way home. Let out a nice good scream in the car for the first time. I've needed to scream. One nice long loud shrill Shriek. Beautiful.

I'm hoping therapy helps. I'm not doing well. I miss denial ;)

Terrible-ness. ♥

when everything that holds me together is falling apart

2008-12-21T16:57:00.003-05:00

I've been sleeping on the couch the past 4 or so days. I still have vivid dreams, but they're not so scary. I don't know why I can't sleep in my room. it's not like she was ever in it or anything.

But I've been sleeping on the couch.

Give me a megaphone, please.

2008-12-20T20:35:00.004-05:00

Last night I was supposed to go to a party with Drew Hayes to do and witness lots of illegal activities, I imagine, with a tonn of people from high school I haven't seen in years. I was more excited to see everyone and look so different and be so much more confident than anything else. My mom called me asking me to not drink. Begging, actually. I wasn't gonna drive, but for whatever reason I listened to her. Pitched a royal fit, like I was actually back in high school, but I listened. Still not fully sure why. I went out to eat at Steak n Shake with Patty, instead. First time I've seen him since before the accident. He wasn't there for me either, throughout this. Shock. He's been making me feel like it's nothing. Like he knows everything and I'm beign so dramatic, we weren't even friends. He's said nothing like that, but he makes me feel it. The same way he makes me somehow feel huge when we kiss, even though he's never said that, either.
He asked to see my tattoo and then roled his eyes, told me it was too big and what am I going to do when i'm 80? I said " I'll smile and remember my friend" He then proceeded to be a condescending arrogant dick, by telling me about his friend whose "best friend died, so she got her name tattooed small on her wrist. small. I liked THAT one"

So what? Maria and me weren't friends at all, and if that girl can manage to get a small tattoo, then surelyyyy I can too? It makes me furious just to think about, again. Not only was Maria actually my best friend, but she's turning out to be one of my ONLY friends. Patty went on talking about how he considers me one of two friends, that he can call at any hour and have be there for him. It only made me angrier because i would be there. In a heartbeat. because I really loved him. But all this time I've needed him and he wasn't there. In fact, all hes done is made me feel worse. In fact, thats all he's done in a long time.

I came home furious.... at Patty, at Crystal (all over again, poor thing..), at my mom for not letting em go to that stupid party...at the entire world, for everything. I lost it last night. I screamed at my mom at the top of my lungs about how angry I was at everything, I pulled my hair and crippled over. I cried and yelled my loudest for her to really hear me. how Not Okay I am. And instead she yelled back about drunk driving, and learning lessons about maria, and why am I so mad at her? Again, she didn't listen. She tried but she just... didn't. I screamed so she could hear me, and she still couldn't.

I don't know what to do.

I've been having nightmares

2008-12-18T21:12:00.002-05:00

last night that I was sneaking into someplace and i thinkk shooting bad guys. And then the cops were chasing me, cause it's not like I ever ask for permission for anything like shooting people, and they were all currupt and were gonna torture me, so I needed someone to kill me, quickly, so I wouldn't be tortured. Some girl was gona do it for me in a bathroom stall.. looking back it may have been maria but idk. Anyways, she didn't want to and at the last minute I was scared it would hurt afterall, not be instant. So Crystal walked in, said she knew where to shoot me so it wouldn't hurt, and shot me in the left ear. It didn't hurt, and my last words were "thank you. I love you". Her && the other girl squeeled, like that was comforting for them to hear. I woke up with my ear buzzing..

Another was I was at a big dinner event. I think Carlos was there, next to me. And I guess for a reason I can't remember, I was forced into going to therapy. I got there in the parking lot/waiting area , and everyone was talking about how they needed the help for what was wrong with them like it was a treatment for their illness, or disability. I didn't like that and figured I wasn't ill so I went back to the dinner in my old seat, next to carlos. I then proceeded to cry my eyes out, like I'd just heard the news about maria all over again.. It was when I was half awake so I could hear my awake self breathing heavy like I was crying. While hysterical crying, dream-me thought to myself that maybe I need a different kind of therapy. A special Greif Therapy. And decided to look up some options on google as soon as I stopped crying.
I never did, in real life. I still think I need to.

Theres been more but i can't remember them. They're way too realistic-y for my own taste. I getting more and more scared of the dark, too. I called into work today from the parking lot, drove around Bayshore for a few hours, came home and fell apart crying in my moms lap. Maybe I do need therapy.. Maybe I'm not handling this as well as I think.

Cause when your eyes light up the skies at night...

2008-12-13T20:39:00.004-05:00

.. I know you're gonna find your way back to me.

People tell me I've been handling this very well.. everyone's been pretty amazed I haven't fallen apart... openly.. at all. And except for my little outburst at Gilberto, the bartender, who was so unfortunate to try and joke with me by making me stay at work and hang out a bit longer right as I was hitting the brink of tears.. He was not so fortunate. Or the once at Crystal when she was late for her own Birthday Dinner, and I was fresh with my resentment that she wasn't there for me through any of this, so I made her cry. On her Birthday.
Yeah, those few times I may have lost it a bit, but mainly I've been holding it together. Holding everyone else's hands at the memorial, picking out the flowers on behalf of Sam Seltzer's and delivering their food to her parents. It's not in the days I have problems, because even then if I'm thinking about her, it's because something reminded me of a memory we had, which only brings me to smiles not tears. And then I'll quietly talk to her for a minute, or send her a text message or something equally crazy and comforting.
Tears have been no stranger to me, but they're getting much fewer and farther between. Instead of crying, I'm choosing to live more the way she would have wanted me to. If I don't like someone, I'm making less effort to be fake and play nice. I'm speaking my mind, and setteling (ie. "making poor choices") MUCH less. And from there things have fallen into place, I believe both because of the changes I've made and a lot because of the help she's been giving me to make these changes.
I'm grateful to have such a good-hearted guardian angel taking care of me. I've seen things everywhere showing me she's here, hanging out with me. She was there laughing her ass off when I decided to quit Sam Selzter's yesterday, toasting me at my celebration at Applebees that night, and is waiting to meet Cooper when he comes home, seeing as I've always talked about him. She's freaking out because she can fianlly see that Erik Massie reallyyyyy does look just like Chris Eads, not that she ever doubted it.
I miss her everyday, but she's with me every second. So...yeah. I guess I've handled this pretty well, by focusing more on making her proud than on losing all my days.

I think she is :)

&& the lonliest part...

2008-11-22T01:09:00.002-05:00

of losing your very best friend in the world, is realizing how few others you really have.

I miss you, girlie. I'm sorry for every time I ever let you down. I love you.

Rest in Peace

2008-11-08T10:06:00.002-05:00

Maria Cecilia Ramsey.

November 7, 2008.

I want..

2008-10-07T00:20:00.005-05:00

Because I've been focusing on everyone else too much lately. Not necessarily on their needs, I won't even pretend to be that selfless, not lately anyways, but at least on their lives. I've been wondering how they manage to go to school and work, and still have time to go out and dress cute. To overcome the desire to drop classes, and blow off homework. To live on their own and go out on the weekends. To do it so much better than me. I've been wondering how Erik feels about his girlfriend. How much it would hurt her if we were to get back together. How serious it is since she's driving home to see him. How my dad is doing with whatever it is keeping him too busy to help me get into Erwin early.
I've been wondering about everyone else's lives as they fit into my own. Really, though, how the hell does that even matter? Their lives don't piece together mine, and their decisions don't change my missions. I will get into Erwin in my own good time. With Dads help would be much easier and more efficient but my time will come, regardless. However everyone else is doing it, and I suspect they're not entirely on their own, I am doing it just so long as I keep pushing for my LPN. And in my own time I will be on my own, dressing cute and going out. All because I took my time and did it right, and earned it without any suspicious " independence". I will.
As for Erik and his girlfriend? Frankly, I don't care anyone how she feels about him, or even how he feels about her. I don't. Not in the slightest. What matters to me is how he feels about me, and I him. Last night he told me, he showed me. I mean something to him, possibly as much as he means to me?? Who knew. And It'll end up just like with Laurel.. he'll use his slight of beer in lieu of wit, and pretend he didn't know what he was saying. It's not true. He's happy.. really. Well maybe he is, but it's clear that I make him happier seeing as he can't stay away from me. So to avoid the tears, I will also avoid that conversation and wait for him to come around again. Well, not so much wait as let the time pass and see where I end up. Waiting doesn't work for me. Truthfully, I don't think it should work for anyone. But my Faith is strong on this one. Maybe for no reason other than my own desires, or maybe for a letdown later on, but either way there it is. Not just about Erik either, but for everything. I'm doing this, I'm forgetting everyone else and I'm making my own way, slow and steady.

I want...
Adventure. Something to remember, something to tell, something to hold in my heart and smile on, for always.

I meant to say more, but really... Thats it.
What more is there??

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

So you wanna be my friend, so you wanna be my lover?
With you I do confess I can't be one without the other.
That was hard for me to say, I hope I said it right. --Teitur.

Secrets recieved::

2008-09-17T14:13:00.003-05:00

Because I know I'll want to remember these later:

** My motto: I would rather risk it all living with passion and fervor and love, than hold myself back even a single moment
**I go to cities alone all the time. It's okay to be spontaneous. You'll make friends there. Don't be scared <3 style="font-weight: bold;">I want to be beautiful for just one day so that maybe, even for that one day, someone would want me or maybe even love me..
** 3 weeks ago, I found a video of my 21 year old boyfriend sexually forcing himself on a boy. We were together 4 years. my secret-- I still love him.
** I donated blood to get tested for a disease because I don't have medical insurance.
** I've never told a stranger a secret before but your post on myspace seemed the best and you seem nice.. I'm scared to tell my mom the pills make me not me.
** I went to the principal spilling my friends secret that her dad threatened to kill her, not to save her life, but to get out of an anatomy test.
** I'm so afraid of becoming a manipulative bad person, and I catch myself doing it and I don't want to be that girl.. I'm scared I won't always catch myself.
** I have had hard feelings toward one of my step children because she acts just like her mother does and will probably turn out just like the hoe.
** I forgot his number. It feels amazing. Almost as good as when he loved me.
**I'm in love with my boyfriend but almost everything he knows about me is a lie, I'm so ashamed.
** I wanna fuck George Bush
** I want to live with Dad because Moms dogs are making my life difficult. I've becomed ashamed of home.

2008-09-17T01:28:00.002-05:00

Post secret set up a project these past few days so that you could leave your number on the bulletin and text your secrets to a stranger.
I began the night in my normal fashion, completely revolving around myself and my issues with Tampa and Erik Massie, and whatever else. Although even while sending out my texts I almost felt like an impostor. Like my secrets weren't real, and I was taking up time and space for other peopls secrets. And besides, what the hell do I know about anything? I was just having fun and trying this new idea out. It was a nice idea. All these people were writing about how the exprience changed their lives, and I found myself jealous. Me, of all people, who is in need of somethign life changing! Why aren't I getting any of these great secrets!?

Well, an hour ago, I got my wish. Or rather, made it happen. Id noticed a name popping up frequently along with some others, reaching out to listen. I then noticed that same name come up, heartbroken that no one had answered her texts, and she felt more alone than ever. Not that my secrets in ANY way compare, but I remember how let down I was when no one answered a particular one of mine, and how personal I took it. I tracked her number back a few pages and texted her myself.

We talked for not long, maybe ten minutes? And tonight she told me I saved her life. I have since been near speechless and dumbfounded. I don't even know what I did, but she credited her entire life to me. Who the hell am I?? Suddenly I see how selfish I was being.. I have been for a while now. Immediatly I dropped my phone down and prayed, thanking God for this exprience, for allowing me to be there for this woman, this mother, and to watch over her. I have this strange attachment to her, a real love, where I worry for her safety later on. I hope to God she finds peace soon.

Tonight changed me forever.

too stunned to even cry ::
"you saved a life. I know nothing about you, yet, tonight you saved my life...Tonight I just wanted someone, anyone to listen. You did that. Thank you... I will do my best. your efforts will not be in vein. I promise. I owe you my life and I will forever be in your debt. All because youre a genuine person. Thank you, for everything"

How old am I?

2008-08-30T23:27:00.003-05:00

In an effort to keep myself distracted from NOT being 21 this year, and still make it a useful birthday at 20, Crystal, Jon and I went to Magic Kingdom yesterday. All day long people were asking me how old I was turning ( being that neither me nor my friends are subtle, it was hard to miss it being a birthday). Every time Id answer, amiling " twenty!" and they'd all say "twelve??" I must have gotten it 3 times. I'm sure they train the employees to say 12, prime Disney age that it is. Or maybe 20 and 12 just sound similar. I don't know. At first I thought it was cute, remembering my last trip to Disney I claimed all day long with Kristin Taylor that we were 7.

Tonight I find it much less adorable. Really, though. How old AM i?? Because the way I'm seeing it right now is that I'm leaving for Knoxville tomorrow morning but cannot take my own car because Mom doesn't want me to and it's in her name. If I do anyways, I'm kicked out of the house, seeing as she's checked the mileage and she sells my car. She wants to use MY car to save on gas, so she wants to drop me off at Crystals. I lied saying I'm going with Crystal because I wouldn't be allowed to go with Maria.

Honestly.... what the fuck?? How old am I? When is enough going to be enough for me to stop screwing around, and move out! Enough was enough months ago. I should be in Tallahassee right now, but I'm not. I never got a better job because I was leaving soon anyways. And now I haven't left, I'm stuck. Now I'm falling into tiny little crying fits like a twelve year old throwing a tantrum. Did the Disney employees really get trained to say 12, or is my complete lack of independence just shining through my face?? I'm sick of this, I'm ready to go. I never intended to stay in Florida, much less Tampa, much LESS Plant City, of all places. And now I'm 20 years old and still here. Still lying to my mom about who my friends are, and what I'm doing. at 20. goddamn. years. old. Really, now. Thats not even just dependancy, thats immaturity. I'm done with it.

It's time to go. Lets hope I really do fall in love with Chris Eads and the beauty of Knoxville.
Fingers crossed!

The brighter sides of heartbreak

2008-07-06T03:00:00.002-05:00

Wouldn't things be so easy if there were a clear distinction between running away and pushing forward? All I can keep thinking is if Tallahassee would be running from all the choas and commotion I've had so much fun creating here, or if it's the best thing for me to leave all the unnecessary stress and drama behind me to start focusing on something real. Whats real anyways though? And maybe there isn't such a thing as running away or starting over or even keeping steady. All there is is time, constantly going. And like it or not, you're going right along with it. How you choose to spend your time, however, is an entirely different story. I doesn't mean or change anything, it's as simple as enjoying yourself while you're here. Doing whatever it is that makes you wake up in the morning with a smile on your face.
I'm completely aware, as I'm writing this, that my recent state of diggin' life is a mix of my recent tripping experience amplified by no sleep, hours of crying and the Dawson's Creek series finale. Either way, though, I still find it true so I suggest everyone trip and have a good cry over Dawson's Creek to better find yourselves.
The Tallahassee hospital won't pay for my pre-reqs.. So it's looking like another year in Tampa. I'm so ready to go now though, I feel like there's nothing for me here. That all I'm doing is proving dad right and all he, or anyone else for that matter, will think when I tell them is " I knew she wasn't ACTUALLY going anywhere. Anyways..." and brush this off like it's just another crazy idea I had. The thing I hate most about this is that I do always have these crazy ideas to get up and go do something huge! It's never for anything but lack of support or money thats ever kept me from doing these things.. never lack of heart or inspiration or desire. And now the one time I was ever able to follow through with something, to prove to everyone- myself, included- that I was capable of actually finishing something, anything! The one time I was actually going to get it right... whoops. just kidding. again. Sucks.

From here, out, though I once again have a wide open window. I'll be saving up quite a bit of money, I'd guess, if all goes how I'd like it to. Of course, when has that ever happened for me?? I could go anywhere for nursing school come next August. Yes, it's a year away but the foresight gives me time to dream up exactly where I'd like to be, and it's the dreams that keep me moving. Maybe not always toward one exact point, but moving nonetheless. Tallahassee? Baltimore? California, England!? I can do anything.. and it's terrible that my Anything Day- Independence Day, if you will- has been pushed back another year, but at least I can still have something to look forward to.

Not-so-new years resolutions?

2008-07-03T01:52:00.003-05:00

So it's T-minus one month, and it feels remarkably similar to the last week of high school. Excited, nervous, anxious, optomistic but really not at all, and scared shitless all at once. I can't wait to get away from everything I've grown so used to all these years in such a dirty city, and my mom's incessant-ness in general, but I can't imagine being without any of it. Without Crystal to call when it's all too much and I need to blow off steam and have " a night" like we have since we were fifteen. Without Maria and her drunken craziness I'm already so used to relying on. Without Kristin's clingy-boyfriend phone calls at all the wrong times for pizza and movie nights. Without Patty; fighting, crying, playing, joking, pissing off, making love.. everything that's always been us.
It's time to look ahead. To realize that this will be my last summer of craziness. I'm letting myself let go so much because I know that after this summer, I HAVE to grab on. Time to grab hold of responzibility, studying, school, work, and not taking time off to spend money I don't have. Time to learn the reality of student loans so my mom can finally relax, and enjoy her new life she's made for herself. I'll never let myself feel guilty for the things I've done and seen this summer, and more importantly I'll never let myself relive it. I'm soaking up every drop of being young and reckless that I possibly can. I am living any and every whim I feel like without a seconds thought to any of it past "don't forget the camera!"
I'm letting go of stress. Letting go of pain, of dad, of lost sleep, and of past heartache. I'm forgiving anyone who asks for it, and forgetting anyone who won't. I'm focusing only on the love in my heart, life in my lungs, and the anxiety in my feet. Time to go, time to see. Time to work is later, and I WILL work. I will get all the play I can out of my system. I will do everything I've ever wanted to. I will write more, think more, READ MORE, eat less, hydrate more, love more, guard less.
I will finally let go of Dad and the issues drilled into my brain by what he's done, and let nothing hold me back from becoming everything I want. Tallahassee is my chance. From here I can do anything in the world I want. This is my chance. I've screwed up too much. Time to live, and only the way I want to from now on.

Begin the begin

2008-05-19T22:20:00.002-05:00

I'm officially taking the first steps to becoming a productive member of adult society. Wow. I'm no longer talking about all these great ideas on how to get myself back on my feet, or spending all my time planning the best way to go about it, I'm actually putting these great ideas into action.

Tonight I sat in a classroom for 3 hours, taking a test rivaling the Fcat for passing rate of 5 year olds. I knew this test would determine how expensive my CNA classes would be, so I spent some quality nap time instead online brushing up on my equations; Pythagorean Theorem, similar triangles, etc. I arrive at my test site, already kicking myself for not bringing a water bottle, sweatshirt in hand preparing for the "Big test chills" as I call them (you know, when it can be 100* with no air but you still need something bulky on?), only to open my test booklet to see questions such as " 77x 77=x?" and "whats wrong with the following sentence: She and me brought in the groceries". Honestly?? And even more appalling was the fact that with each section I breezed through in 5 minutes, the room would stare at me, amazed I'd finished so soon. Are these really truly the people preparing to work in a hospital? Where peoples lives are at stake???

Regardless, I'm still pretty proud of myself for getting off my ass and taking the first step.
Tallahassee here I come!