Remember to breathe

So many people are looking at me to be strong and to fight

2009-08-08T22:19:00.002-05:00

.. but I'm just surviving.

So... Mike is home for a month, and was laying on the ground. He'd annoyed me the night before, so I threw a tennis ball- aimed to go over his head for cooper to go after- but it accidently hit him on the side of his face. I felt really bad and kinda stood there stunned for a second. Right as I opened my mouth to apologize he sits up and kinda yells " what the HELL are you doing!?". I got really pissed. He had no right to yell at me! It was an accident and I was about to apologize if he hadn't beat me to it to freakin yell at me! So, I stormed off all pissed.
He kinda came after me a few minutes later and calmly asked why I was mad when I was the one who threw a ball at his face? He then went on to say that hes known this about me for a while but just now figured out how to put it into words-- that when I feel guilty or bad about something I have a way of turning it around on the other person so I can get mad at them and not have to feel bad anymore. As soon as he said it, I instantly burst into tears. Like, sobbing disgusting mess tears. I went to my room, layed down, curled into a ball and cried my eyes out. I thought of Maria, of me and Chances entire relationship, of every fight my mom and I have had, of the last time my dad and I really got into it. I didn't realize right away why I was crying or thinking of all these things. I assumed I was PMSing? or just mad at Chance for not letting me drive him to his surgery and Mike yelling at me was just bothering me in a delicate condition.
Then, as I began pulling myself together... I realized I've been in a constant delicate condition for the past 9 months now.. I've known for a long time that I am not ok. That I should not still be so angry at the world. I've been assuming that the way I healed was just... angry. I healed poorly and was therefore stuck angry.. but thats not the way it works, is it? I feel silly for still being so fully controlled by her death and that I should have coped with it by now like I've assumed I have. I guess when it comes down to it, you can't lose control of something you still let carry over you.
I've finally come to realize.. mom was right. My therapist was right. Everyone. I feel very guilty for so many things. That she died, when I know perfectly well I wouldn't have gotten drunk at that concert if I had gone like she begged me to. Like I wanted to. But i didn't go because I had been neglecting her the past 2 or so months of her life. Annoyed with the drama, tired of getting fucked up every night, and mostly petrified that I wouldn't be able to help her when the day came that she finally killed herself and deserpately trying to avoid the pain I would feel when that day came. I could have prevented her death, I could have bettered her life, I could have done a lot of things that I just... didn't. Because I wasn't drunk and dying next to her where I should have been. And, just like Mike said I do, I've been taking it out on everyone else because she's not here to take it out on. I've picked fights with Chance, even going so far as to point out what he did wrong in execution when he tries to be cute with me. Maybe because she never had Gary love her back, I don't want to be happy in love. Because thats not fair. Why should I get to be happy?
I've done everything I could to make Chance as miserable as I am. Snapped at Kristin, Andrew, Garrett, Crystal... anyone I come in contact with. Exploded on my mom and dad on the few occasioans they actually don't deserve it. Exploded on Chance for every little thing he does wrong, big or small, regardless of if he meant well.

I need to stop this. Now that I realize whats wrong with me, and whats provoking my anger how do I learn how to control it? How do I stop it? I wish I knew...

If you ask me if I love him, I'll lie.

2009-06-01T15:44:00.003-05:00

So. gah.
It's been a while. "space" only lasted 5 or 6 days, and after that, life was perfect. There were small tensions involving his ex Alli, but he never really did anything wrong, I was still just lacking in trust from Shelly and Amy, which I think is perfectly reasonable considering his ass is lucky that I even stayed through it all. The past couple months, May especially, have been wonderful and perfect, and- again mostly May- we have both fallen completely for eachother.
However... it turns out the whole reason he panicked and asked for space? oh.... he cheated on me. twice. with brandy, his "best friend", in early April. It was the first time they'd slept together in 2 years of tensions, so I guess it was coming sooner or later. but hes still a baby and I'm absolutely sick of all the girls that he was gonna be getting with "sooner or later". Hes so stoic that he freaks out every time he feels a lack of control over his emotions which, by definition, is love; total lack of control. it's no wonder every time we get closer he freaks out and hooks up with someone who he really never could fall for. And he admitted to me a few weeks ago that he said he loved me before he was ready. He felt it, but he wasnt ready to take it to that level. Apparently it was after the 2nd time with Brandy that he felt total guilt and realized how much I meant to him. I, however, found out ALL of this in one big tidal wave of information.
I love him. I understand him. I freaked out when I found out, and fully trashed his room with the help of all his best friends, roommates, and brandy herself. But this is very clearly not working out. I'm too much of a romantic, and cynic (somehow?) to throw away love.. even though it was hard for me to believe he loves me with everything he did.. but in all fairness he didnt love me when he did it... whatever.
I know I'm being an idiot for even going this far, but I invited him to Plant City last night. we talked for 8 hours straight, slept together (yeah, whoops) I cried, he got choked up and he left under the impression that we'd be together because I loved him and I just wanted to pretend it never happened and forget it all, but not to tell anyone. Like a secret relationship? Because i was so ashamed to have taken him back again. Obviously that was not even a rational solution, but it was absurd enough to get me some sleep. I woke up this morning knowing that if I were really going to be so stupid as to stay with him, then I knew what I needed to do.
We've spoke all day, ironing out details and finally agreed on our plan of action. Next week he's house sitting/ babysitting for his parents while they're all out of town somewhere. We're gonna take that week like a honeymoon, or something. Enjoy every second we have alone together. After that.... its time for a break. He's got a LOT of growing up to do, and I realize that I rely my emotions and stability wayyyy too much on him. My only worry is IF nursing school starts in August, I wont have the time to devote to us that we're REALLY gonna need, for another year... There's no way to predict that and I guess its a bridge we'll just have to cross when we get there..
I realize, for the record of reading this months or years from now, that I'm being an idiot. Any sane person would leave his lying cheating sorry ass in a minute, and months ago for that matter. But if I were sane I would not be in love. I see myself repeating my mothers history and is scares me, but... I love him. And that means that I'll stand by him and do whatever I think it may take to make this work. And at the end of the day, if it doesn't work, at least I'll walk away from a relationship knowing I gave it my all, for once.

Swim for brighter days despite the absence of sun

2009-04-16T19:05:00.004-05:00

So. me and Chance are "taking some space" and I think thats the first time those words have ever been uttered and genuinely meant to better things, not step away.
After a very long talk last night, we got a lot of things out in the open.. I knew I'd been growing more.... i don't know. Different? lately.. but according to him I'd turned into an empty shell, very depressing and not my normal self. Coming from the guy who met me right in the middle of my incredible Maria depression? that is seriously saying something. Hearing that from him seriously shook me. So this morning I went for a walk. A veryyy long walk to clear my head and release some endorphins. I realized on this walk, that I've been putting all the pressure of my moods on Chance, and thats not at all fair, or even do-able for that matter. He is in no way in control of my emotions, I am. But after so long of dealing with everything I've tried to deal with... it's exhausting. I'm so tired, so worn, from holding myself together after maria, that I just... ugh. I just wanted someone else to pick up the slack for me for a while, and hold me together while I took a break. Apparently thats not really possible.
The second he first told me he was taking space, I fell apart. And I mean really, lost it. I cried for about 2 days straight, sure he was leaving me. All the while, mind you, he's assuring me that he still loves me and this is not a Break. I found myself crying on the bathroom floor last night when it occured to me that there was NO REASON to be falling apart so heavily. That it was no coincidence that the second my Happy Thing left, I was falling right back into the same state I was in before I met him. So what, as soon as he leaves me I'm gonna end up back on the couch crying over Maria all day long? No. No no no. I never want to be there again, it was miserable, killed my spirit, and took years off my life, I'm sure.
After this epiphony, we ahd our long talk and realized a LOT. He apologized for "making me feel like I had to get into his everything to feel like he wanted me. It never should have gotten to that point". I hadn't realized until he said it, but that was very true. We got a lot out in the open,a nd off our chests. We're taking some time apart to learn to miss eachother again, and not take eachother for granted, and then we're gonna spend some seriousss time together and "go at this like a bull in a china shop". We are probably the worst couple ever, but we really do love eachother... I wonder if that really is enough.
In any case, today I ran errands for my sick mother, ran, took pictures, had a chat with a cute old man on my run ( his dog was dying of cancer :( and he said "they're like humans.. the body can only take so much. Hit me kinda close to home) , took a nap, and made a hair appt for wednesday. I feel very productive and I think my endorphins are still going. I like it. I miss being happy. On the walk home, I also decided I was ready to put Maria behind me. I'm sure I'll still cry here and there, but I'm not feeling guilty for being happy. It's not unfair that I get to live, because shes FAR from miserable where she is. Shes not RESTING in peace, she's playing with Jeffy, and John Lennon and laughing at our stupid asses. She wouldn't want me sad.. she never did. I don't know why I believed she would be betrayed by my happiness. Yes I'll still miss her, I always will, but maybe in a different way? I hope so.. Cause my body cannot take this anymore.
I also decided after taking with a little boy on my run, that I hate my job. It's killing my soul, no lie. Staring off into a computer screen all day? Thats NOT ME. I need something social, something active and feeling like I'm doing something.. anything. If I don't get the job at FHP saturday, then I'm quitting, taking the paycut, voluntarily killing my immune system, and going back to my daycare. I miss my babies <3

Hopefully these changes will make things right with Chance, seeing as they're already helping myself. Cause I really do love him.

When asked, "why???"

2009-04-10T08:30:00.002-05:00

Because there's a lot of guys that I really could have loved.
Chance is someone I couldn't help but love.

GREAT answer.

2009-03-31T09:50:00.006-05:00

So, to catch up.. I caved. Like I knew I would. We're back together.

Yesterday, I was being the most horrible person possible to Chance. I was loud, and a bitch and sarcastic. I rubbed everything he's ever done in his face, and twisted every single thing he had to say into something terrible. I picked fights and won them. And I Did. Not. Care. I realized I was being horribe, but I also "knew" he so deserved it! He was saying the things in the first place! its not myyy fault they're so easily twisted! maybe he should just speak better!

yeah....

And it didn't stop, not all day long. He just layed there and apologized and kept quiet. It wasn't until we'd gone to bed, and Crystal started texting me all upset about something that I started to cool it. Having to be so sweet for Crystal made me lose my anger, and suddenly it was perfectly clear why I was being so terrible... It's that time of the month again. And no, I do not mean the "yay I'm not pregnant!" kind. It's the "One week from today will be 5 months" kind.. and the only words I could muster before I lost my voice altogether to tears was " i'm sorry for being so horrible today. Its just.. b-b-b-ecauseeee" and he helped me to finish my sentence with an " I know why.. I'm here for you" *cue hysterics* He pulled me in close, and let me cry all over him. This is the third time now I've made this poor boy's chest all soggy. Once I started to regain normal breathing patterns again, I told him I was sorry. That he wasn't perfect but nobody was, and that I am truly lucky to have him.
Honestly.. what man does that? Who accepts a verbal beating for 10 hours straight, fully aware that it's for no good reason, having nothing to do with him, and just... takes it? He knew I was hurting, he knew why before I even realized it. He remembered her anniversary when only my mom has done that, and he set himself up to be my outlet... Who would calmly and willingly accept that abuse?
Maybe I'll laugh at myself for this months or years from now, and say "what the hell did I know" but after seeing how much he cared for me, and what he does for me that I may not always see... I think I really Love him.. god help me.

He saw it happen, too. Saw my face soften and my eyes light up. He rolled over me and kissed me slow, as we whispered to eachother about I don't even remember what. He kept asking me what I was thinking, trying to get me to elaborate, trying to get me to say it. The only answer I could muster being, "Just realizing how much I care for you.." causing the inevitable "How much is that?". My eyes got huge when he asked me. I looked up at him and lost myself in the battle between sage and sand in his eyes, curling my lips together for fear the words would fall off the tip of my tounge and out into the open air where nothing can be taken back. Even the occasional need to open my mouth and catch my stolen breath was a struggle to keep the words back where they belonged.. remembering Patty. Remembering it's not always best to say them, and it's scary for a reason. After an eternity of silence, I pulled myself close to him, and kissed him slow. He finally said "good answer".

heart vs head

2009-03-23T04:01:00.003-05:00

because, when she looks at me my soul melts, her eyes are like stain glass windows that attempt to hid the interior but show amazing grace on the out side and upiroe fourm. She has a way with words. she can be the cutest yet at the same time stern in her words

i never treated her right, i always lied, mostly about small trivial things but big things as well. id flirt with other girls. id send wrong texts to other girls. honestly crystal there is not one reason i can think of, for why she would even talk to me again. all i did was take her good heart and crush it time and time again. I should'nt have done any of what i did to her. but i did and i dont see what i could ever do to make it up to her, who would take back some one like me, like would u take some one back if they did half the things i put her through?

bring onnnnn the Mindfuck <3

2009-03-16T13:10:00.003-05:00

Last night I went to Erik's because we were both bored & had some drinks.
He decided to tell me that he still cares about me, Kickens was a horribly stupid decision (duh?) , implied that he hasn't been seeing anyone else in part because he'd been thinking about me, and said that in a perfect situation I'd leave Chance and we'd get back together, and he could see us together at least 8 months to a year..
FML.

In my own unmedical, unprofessional words:

2009-03-11T12:56:00.003-05:00

So... Today at therapy I learned:
-- my dad truley and royally fucked me up beyonf beliefe. && my lashing out at the people I love while coping with everything, on top of the drinking and wishing for Acid so I could at least hallucinate her in front of me? yeah... thats me turning into my father. I need to watch my ass with the anger management.
-- my mom making me feel fat, and my dad making me feel immature and stupid is exactly why I clung so close to maria in the first place. She made me feel good, beautiful, needed and smart. her protector, advice giver, and friend. Now that she's gone, I feel especially shitty because I'm left with the self-defeating emotions mom & dad gave me when they were going through the divorce, and then some. (my own thoughts) it's probaly why i stuck with Chance through Amy, and why I didn't ask for help from anyone through any of this-- I feel like I'm a burden. Thanks, dad.
-- I need to ask for help, because everyone saying the wrong thing all the time is just a product of their not being able to read my mind. I need to excersize to release endorpins, give me something to do, and create a better body image that Maria isn't there anymore to give me.
-- Nursing school= very good call. I'm a caregiver in the most extreme sense of the word. It'll keep me from trying to "fix" my friends once I get started, and turn it into a healthy release.
-- (this one was hard) It's not crystals fault for bailing on me when I needed her. I blew her off, and left her without her best friend when I was with maria all the time. She was jealous and I wasn't there... it's selfish of me to think she can be there. (these are my words again) Like if I left my bf for a new one, he cheats on me and I think the first will console me? uhh.... no.
-- my life is over. Forever & ever will not be the same as I ever thought it would be. I am not the same and won't be. I need to figure out what kind of life would fufill me now and we'll work on making that happen.. cant exactly create a new "happy" life for me if I can't tell her what to help me create.

homework? Exercise && figure out what in my believe system (ie mom and dad) is holding me back from creating a happy life && functioning without my Self-esteem creater (maria).
Fin.

Maria Cecilia Scholaship Fund.

2009-03-10T10:24:00.002-05:00

I came upon her 3 month anniversary doing considerably well. It actually surprised me how well I was handling it, after handling 2 months so badly. I guess it was just saving up, because I handled Four Months horribly. It crept up on me from over a week away, and progressed from there. Poor Chance, and Mom. I took it out on both of them. It was in light of how depressed I found myself becoming that I took finding a therapist and getting it approved by insurance into my own hands, just like when I got my breast reduction. Obviously, I make thing happen, because a week later, I have my first session tomorrow.. I'm kind of nervous.
I've done all these reckless things and had these terrible thoughts, and what with the way I grew up.. who knows what kind of things may be wrong with me.. I don't doubt there are. I cheated on him and feel no guilt. Not even the slightest bit of a twinge. I've never had much of a conscience.. thats weird.
I handled the Day Of fairly well though, for whatever reason I'm like that. I count down and fall apart, and then when the anniversary finally hits, I'm fine. I went to her parents for dinner-- they called and asked me to. Now there's something I feel guilt for, not keeping up with them. I KNOW she'd want me to.. it's hard. In any case, I went over there for the first time in months and what am I hit with?? They're creating on scholarship in Maria's name... and awarding it to me. I'm fairly sure my jaw hit the floor. I am.... grateful, and a little at peace to know something of her will be carried on through me. I am depressed and lonely and would give it all back to have her with me, no question. I am wishing I had spent more time with her near the end, and not created distance for safety, considering now it's what haunts me. I feel not deserving, having blown her off when she was needing me, for not being in that damn car when she begged me to come along. Whose to say if I would have drank that night-- I usually don't drink at concerts.. I could have drove them home, if I'd gone like she begged me to for weeks. Instead I lied and made up stupid excuses that she saw right through on why I couldn't go. I still don't know why I didn't.. I love concerts, and I love All American Rejects... why didn't I do?
I blew her off, and now I've been blowing her parents off, and how am I punished? I'm given her scholarship..
I'm grateful and miserable.

I'm losing it.

2009-02-22T21:54:00.003-05:00

I'd been feeling a LOT better the past month of so. I've been very caught up in the drama of Chance and his crazy ex, Amy, and then even more caught up in his BlackHole style way of life that I haven't seen before or since Land O Lakes. I think he was the "something happy" mom kept saying I needed to snap out of everything, that Cooper was supposed to be.

But now that the dramatics, and excitement of that is over and we're getting more compfrtable with eachother (which, don't get me wrong, I'm glad for), I'm starting to sink downish again..

driving home I was in a mood. I thought Chance was upset with me, (when it turned out it was all in my head and he was upset with his parents) and my one happy thing was potentially pulling out from under me, that simply I started to lose it again. Not lose it so much as I used to, or in the same way is what I should say... It was a very calm and quiet type of Fall-Apart. Driving home, my head just went into a tailspin, and while I can't at all say that thoughts of suicide were there, because I'm farrrrr from that point, I did start to imagine what it would be life if I were to just.. not make it to tomorrow, for natural or accidental causes. Who would be hurt, how would it affect them, what would I be missing out on, what do I have now that I would want to avoid that for?

The though of death has caused me so much anxiety since the day she died.. Both for good and bad, all I can think about is if it were my last day, how would I want to live it? (good), or I get sent into a panic over the people I love knowing that I could wake up tomorrow and they'd be gone. (bad). It's fucking with my head, and leaving me helpless feeling.

I thought I was fine this entire time, and that I was just emotional from the stress, and the Chance-drama, or PMS whenever that was a handy excuse to have. I thought I was doing so much better. but not I'm realizing how horribly frail I am. I used to be so strong... confident and happy. Small things didn't break me, and I bounced back quickly from the bigger things. I used to be strong.. But now the smallest things send me into tears, (and when it was over her every time I figured it was normal. but lately it'll have nothing to do with her.. I just cry over everything else) and every time things start to dip lower with Chance I just... sink. He's the only good thing I have going for me at the moment, and I hate realizing how dependant I've apparently become. I'm grateful for having something to pull me back up, but I wish it weren't just the one thing. Especially something so... not my own.

I need something good. I need nursing school, and something to do. Something I enjoy.. I don't even know what that is, anymore. What do I enjoy?? I can't remember. I can't remember what it's like to really laugh, or have the colors pop for me like they used to. I'm sure I've laughed since, but... I can't remember.

I was driving with Chance down dale mabry with I think Liv and Sam(?) in his Jeep last week, and the day was beutiful out, and the songs on the radio were good. Amy was entirely out of my head and he was holding my hand. I layed my head against the seat, soaked it all in and had one of those Quietly Very Happy moments to myself that I used to have all the time, for the first time since she died. And then my quiet mind made it's way around to wishing she were with me, enjoying these great times I'd found, and I suddenly became really... not sad, exactly. Disapointed, I guess? And immediatly, my mood was brought back down. It was like when I was at the Airport with mom a few days after it happened to see Mike, and we were laughing, and I immediately fell into uncontrollable tears. Even when I'm happy I feel quilty, and sad because she used to make me happy. She used to be who I'd call or text when things went good or ridiculous, or "problematic" and I couldn't do that. I can't tell her or share with her all the great things happening, and it's not fair that she doesn't get to enjoy them with me anymore. It's not fair to her, and I wouldn't do something unfair to her while she was alive, so why would I now??

I know she'd want me happy.. but it's hard.. its harder when I'm happy than when I'm sad. And it leaves me having days like today where I wonder what I'd be missing out on if something were to happen and I died.

and I don't see whats the fucking holdup on therapy.

you opened me up to a new world..

2009-01-07T11:01:00.007-05:00

&& now I feel like I'm missing a piece of mine.

leave it to me to avoid the situation long enough that I don't realize it's at 2 months until I'm already drunk, just past midnight.
The cure? Apparently keep drinking.
I miss her :(

I cave, I cave.

2008-12-26T01:24:00.003-05:00

I'm getting help. I know I need it. Hell, even if this had never happened, I'd still probably need it. hah. Apparently mom already knows a great woman on harbor Island who helped Brian when his dad died. So... I'll go see her.

It's fucking Christmas, and my dad decided to drill Maria's death into my as a driving school lesson. Really?? Today was hard enough, fuck you. I lost it a bit. Cried the whole way home. Let out a nice good scream in the car for the first time. I've needed to scream. One nice long loud shrill Shriek. Beautiful.

I'm hoping therapy helps. I'm not doing well. I miss denial ;)

Terrible-ness. ♥

when everything that holds me together is falling apart

2008-12-21T16:57:00.003-05:00

I've been sleeping on the couch the past 4 or so days. I still have vivid dreams, but they're not so scary. I don't know why I can't sleep in my room. it's not like she was ever in it or anything.

But I've been sleeping on the couch.

Give me a megaphone, please.

2008-12-20T20:35:00.004-05:00

Last night I was supposed to go to a party with Drew Hayes to do and witness lots of illegal activities, I imagine, with a tonn of people from high school I haven't seen in years. I was more excited to see everyone and look so different and be so much more confident than anything else. My mom called me asking me to not drink. Begging, actually. I wasn't gonna drive, but for whatever reason I listened to her. Pitched a royal fit, like I was actually back in high school, but I listened. Still not fully sure why. I went out to eat at Steak n Shake with Patty, instead. First time I've seen him since before the accident. He wasn't there for me either, throughout this. Shock. He's been making me feel like it's nothing. Like he knows everything and I'm beign so dramatic, we weren't even friends. He's said nothing like that, but he makes me feel it. The same way he makes me somehow feel huge when we kiss, even though he's never said that, either.
He asked to see my tattoo and then roled his eyes, told me it was too big and what am I going to do when i'm 80? I said " I'll smile and remember my friend" He then proceeded to be a condescending arrogant dick, by telling me about his friend whose "best friend died, so she got her name tattooed small on her wrist. small. I liked THAT one"

So what? Maria and me weren't friends at all, and if that girl can manage to get a small tattoo, then surelyyyy I can too? It makes me furious just to think about, again. Not only was Maria actually my best friend, but she's turning out to be one of my ONLY friends. Patty went on talking about how he considers me one of two friends, that he can call at any hour and have be there for him. It only made me angrier because i would be there. In a heartbeat. because I really loved him. But all this time I've needed him and he wasn't there. In fact, all hes done is made me feel worse. In fact, thats all he's done in a long time.

I came home furious.... at Patty, at Crystal (all over again, poor thing..), at my mom for not letting em go to that stupid party...at the entire world, for everything. I lost it last night. I screamed at my mom at the top of my lungs about how angry I was at everything, I pulled my hair and crippled over. I cried and yelled my loudest for her to really hear me. how Not Okay I am. And instead she yelled back about drunk driving, and learning lessons about maria, and why am I so mad at her? Again, she didn't listen. She tried but she just... didn't. I screamed so she could hear me, and she still couldn't.

I don't know what to do.

I've been having nightmares

2008-12-18T21:12:00.002-05:00

last night that I was sneaking into someplace and i thinkk shooting bad guys. And then the cops were chasing me, cause it's not like I ever ask for permission for anything like shooting people, and they were all currupt and were gonna torture me, so I needed someone to kill me, quickly, so I wouldn't be tortured. Some girl was gona do it for me in a bathroom stall.. looking back it may have been maria but idk. Anyways, she didn't want to and at the last minute I was scared it would hurt afterall, not be instant. So Crystal walked in, said she knew where to shoot me so it wouldn't hurt, and shot me in the left ear. It didn't hurt, and my last words were "thank you. I love you". Her && the other girl squeeled, like that was comforting for them to hear. I woke up with my ear buzzing..

Another was I was at a big dinner event. I think Carlos was there, next to me. And I guess for a reason I can't remember, I was forced into going to therapy. I got there in the parking lot/waiting area , and everyone was talking about how they needed the help for what was wrong with them like it was a treatment for their illness, or disability. I didn't like that and figured I wasn't ill so I went back to the dinner in my old seat, next to carlos. I then proceeded to cry my eyes out, like I'd just heard the news about maria all over again.. It was when I was half awake so I could hear my awake self breathing heavy like I was crying. While hysterical crying, dream-me thought to myself that maybe I need a different kind of therapy. A special Greif Therapy. And decided to look up some options on google as soon as I stopped crying.
I never did, in real life. I still think I need to.

Theres been more but i can't remember them. They're way too realistic-y for my own taste. I getting more and more scared of the dark, too. I called into work today from the parking lot, drove around Bayshore for a few hours, came home and fell apart crying in my moms lap. Maybe I do need therapy.. Maybe I'm not handling this as well as I think.

Cause when your eyes light up the skies at night...

2008-12-13T20:39:00.004-05:00

.. I know you're gonna find your way back to me.

People tell me I've been handling this very well.. everyone's been pretty amazed I haven't fallen apart... openly.. at all. And except for my little outburst at Gilberto, the bartender, who was so unfortunate to try and joke with me by making me stay at work and hang out a bit longer right as I was hitting the brink of tears.. He was not so fortunate. Or the once at Crystal when she was late for her own Birthday Dinner, and I was fresh with my resentment that she wasn't there for me through any of this, so I made her cry. On her Birthday.
Yeah, those few times I may have lost it a bit, but mainly I've been holding it together. Holding everyone else's hands at the memorial, picking out the flowers on behalf of Sam Seltzer's and delivering their food to her parents. It's not in the days I have problems, because even then if I'm thinking about her, it's because something reminded me of a memory we had, which only brings me to smiles not tears. And then I'll quietly talk to her for a minute, or send her a text message or something equally crazy and comforting.
Tears have been no stranger to me, but they're getting much fewer and farther between. Instead of crying, I'm choosing to live more the way she would have wanted me to. If I don't like someone, I'm making less effort to be fake and play nice. I'm speaking my mind, and setteling (ie. "making poor choices") MUCH less. And from there things have fallen into place, I believe both because of the changes I've made and a lot because of the help she's been giving me to make these changes.
I'm grateful to have such a good-hearted guardian angel taking care of me. I've seen things everywhere showing me she's here, hanging out with me. She was there laughing her ass off when I decided to quit Sam Selzter's yesterday, toasting me at my celebration at Applebees that night, and is waiting to meet Cooper when he comes home, seeing as I've always talked about him. She's freaking out because she can fianlly see that Erik Massie reallyyyyy does look just like Chris Eads, not that she ever doubted it.
I miss her everyday, but she's with me every second. So...yeah. I guess I've handled this pretty well, by focusing more on making her proud than on losing all my days.

I think she is :)

&& the lonliest part...

2008-11-22T01:09:00.002-05:00

of losing your very best friend in the world, is realizing how few others you really have.

I miss you, girlie. I'm sorry for every time I ever let you down. I love you.

Rest in Peace

2008-11-08T10:06:00.002-05:00

Maria Cecilia Ramsey.

November 7, 2008.

I want..

2008-10-07T00:20:00.005-05:00

Because I've been focusing on everyone else too much lately. Not necessarily on their needs, I won't even pretend to be that selfless, not lately anyways, but at least on their lives. I've been wondering how they manage to go to school and work, and still have time to go out and dress cute. To overcome the desire to drop classes, and blow off homework. To live on their own and go out on the weekends. To do it so much better than me. I've been wondering how Erik feels about his girlfriend. How much it would hurt her if we were to get back together. How serious it is since she's driving home to see him. How my dad is doing with whatever it is keeping him too busy to help me get into Erwin early.
I've been wondering about everyone else's lives as they fit into my own. Really, though, how the hell does that even matter? Their lives don't piece together mine, and their decisions don't change my missions. I will get into Erwin in my own good time. With Dads help would be much easier and more efficient but my time will come, regardless. However everyone else is doing it, and I suspect they're not entirely on their own, I am doing it just so long as I keep pushing for my LPN. And in my own time I will be on my own, dressing cute and going out. All because I took my time and did it right, and earned it without any suspicious " independence". I will.
As for Erik and his girlfriend? Frankly, I don't care anyone how she feels about him, or even how he feels about her. I don't. Not in the slightest. What matters to me is how he feels about me, and I him. Last night he told me, he showed me. I mean something to him, possibly as much as he means to me?? Who knew. And It'll end up just like with Laurel.. he'll use his slight of beer in lieu of wit, and pretend he didn't know what he was saying. It's not true. He's happy.. really. Well maybe he is, but it's clear that I make him happier seeing as he can't stay away from me. So to avoid the tears, I will also avoid that conversation and wait for him to come around again. Well, not so much wait as let the time pass and see where I end up. Waiting doesn't work for me. Truthfully, I don't think it should work for anyone. But my Faith is strong on this one. Maybe for no reason other than my own desires, or maybe for a letdown later on, but either way there it is. Not just about Erik either, but for everything. I'm doing this, I'm forgetting everyone else and I'm making my own way, slow and steady.

I want...
Adventure. Something to remember, something to tell, something to hold in my heart and smile on, for always.

I meant to say more, but really... Thats it.
What more is there??

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

So you wanna be my friend, so you wanna be my lover?
With you I do confess I can't be one without the other.
That was hard for me to say, I hope I said it right. --Teitur.

Secrets recieved::

2008-09-17T14:13:00.003-05:00

Because I know I'll want to remember these later:

** My motto: I would rather risk it all living with passion and fervor and love, than hold myself back even a single moment
**I go to cities alone all the time. It's okay to be spontaneous. You'll make friends there. Don't be scared <3 style="font-weight: bold;">I want to be beautiful for just one day so that maybe, even for that one day, someone would want me or maybe even love me..
** 3 weeks ago, I found a video of my 21 year old boyfriend sexually forcing himself on a boy. We were together 4 years. my secret-- I still love him.
** I donated blood to get tested for a disease because I don't have medical insurance.
** I've never told a stranger a secret before but your post on myspace seemed the best and you seem nice.. I'm scared to tell my mom the pills make me not me.
** I went to the principal spilling my friends secret that her dad threatened to kill her, not to save her life, but to get out of an anatomy test.
** I'm so afraid of becoming a manipulative bad person, and I catch myself doing it and I don't want to be that girl.. I'm scared I won't always catch myself.
** I have had hard feelings toward one of my step children because she acts just like her mother does and will probably turn out just like the hoe.
** I forgot his number. It feels amazing. Almost as good as when he loved me.
**I'm in love with my boyfriend but almost everything he knows about me is a lie, I'm so ashamed.
** I wanna fuck George Bush
** I want to live with Dad because Moms dogs are making my life difficult. I've becomed ashamed of home.

2008-09-17T01:28:00.002-05:00

Post secret set up a project these past few days so that you could leave your number on the bulletin and text your secrets to a stranger.
I began the night in my normal fashion, completely revolving around myself and my issues with Tampa and Erik Massie, and whatever else. Although even while sending out my texts I almost felt like an impostor. Like my secrets weren't real, and I was taking up time and space for other peopls secrets. And besides, what the hell do I know about anything? I was just having fun and trying this new idea out. It was a nice idea. All these people were writing about how the exprience changed their lives, and I found myself jealous. Me, of all people, who is in need of somethign life changing! Why aren't I getting any of these great secrets!?

Well, an hour ago, I got my wish. Or rather, made it happen. Id noticed a name popping up frequently along with some others, reaching out to listen. I then noticed that same name come up, heartbroken that no one had answered her texts, and she felt more alone than ever. Not that my secrets in ANY way compare, but I remember how let down I was when no one answered a particular one of mine, and how personal I took it. I tracked her number back a few pages and texted her myself.

We talked for not long, maybe ten minutes? And tonight she told me I saved her life. I have since been near speechless and dumbfounded. I don't even know what I did, but she credited her entire life to me. Who the hell am I?? Suddenly I see how selfish I was being.. I have been for a while now. Immediatly I dropped my phone down and prayed, thanking God for this exprience, for allowing me to be there for this woman, this mother, and to watch over her. I have this strange attachment to her, a real love, where I worry for her safety later on. I hope to God she finds peace soon.

Tonight changed me forever.

too stunned to even cry ::
"you saved a life. I know nothing about you, yet, tonight you saved my life...Tonight I just wanted someone, anyone to listen. You did that. Thank you... I will do my best. your efforts will not be in vein. I promise. I owe you my life and I will forever be in your debt. All because youre a genuine person. Thank you, for everything"

How old am I?

2008-08-30T23:27:00.003-05:00

In an effort to keep myself distracted from NOT being 21 this year, and still make it a useful birthday at 20, Crystal, Jon and I went to Magic Kingdom yesterday. All day long people were asking me how old I was turning ( being that neither me nor my friends are subtle, it was hard to miss it being a birthday). Every time Id answer, amiling " twenty!" and they'd all say "twelve??" I must have gotten it 3 times. I'm sure they train the employees to say 12, prime Disney age that it is. Or maybe 20 and 12 just sound similar. I don't know. At first I thought it was cute, remembering my last trip to Disney I claimed all day long with Kristin Taylor that we were 7.

Tonight I find it much less adorable. Really, though. How old AM i?? Because the way I'm seeing it right now is that I'm leaving for Knoxville tomorrow morning but cannot take my own car because Mom doesn't want me to and it's in her name. If I do anyways, I'm kicked out of the house, seeing as she's checked the mileage and she sells my car. She wants to use MY car to save on gas, so she wants to drop me off at Crystals. I lied saying I'm going with Crystal because I wouldn't be allowed to go with Maria.

Honestly.... what the fuck?? How old am I? When is enough going to be enough for me to stop screwing around, and move out! Enough was enough months ago. I should be in Tallahassee right now, but I'm not. I never got a better job because I was leaving soon anyways. And now I haven't left, I'm stuck. Now I'm falling into tiny little crying fits like a twelve year old throwing a tantrum. Did the Disney employees really get trained to say 12, or is my complete lack of independence just shining through my face?? I'm sick of this, I'm ready to go. I never intended to stay in Florida, much less Tampa, much LESS Plant City, of all places. And now I'm 20 years old and still here. Still lying to my mom about who my friends are, and what I'm doing. at 20. goddamn. years. old. Really, now. Thats not even just dependancy, thats immaturity. I'm done with it.

It's time to go. Lets hope I really do fall in love with Chris Eads and the beauty of Knoxville.
Fingers crossed!

The brighter sides of heartbreak

2008-07-06T03:00:00.002-05:00

Wouldn't things be so easy if there were a clear distinction between running away and pushing forward? All I can keep thinking is if Tallahassee would be running from all the choas and commotion I've had so much fun creating here, or if it's the best thing for me to leave all the unnecessary stress and drama behind me to start focusing on something real. Whats real anyways though? And maybe there isn't such a thing as running away or starting over or even keeping steady. All there is is time, constantly going. And like it or not, you're going right along with it. How you choose to spend your time, however, is an entirely different story. I doesn't mean or change anything, it's as simple as enjoying yourself while you're here. Doing whatever it is that makes you wake up in the morning with a smile on your face.
I'm completely aware, as I'm writing this, that my recent state of diggin' life is a mix of my recent tripping experience amplified by no sleep, hours of crying and the Dawson's Creek series finale. Either way, though, I still find it true so I suggest everyone trip and have a good cry over Dawson's Creek to better find yourselves.
The Tallahassee hospital won't pay for my pre-reqs.. So it's looking like another year in Tampa. I'm so ready to go now though, I feel like there's nothing for me here. That all I'm doing is proving dad right and all he, or anyone else for that matter, will think when I tell them is " I knew she wasn't ACTUALLY going anywhere. Anyways..." and brush this off like it's just another crazy idea I had. The thing I hate most about this is that I do always have these crazy ideas to get up and go do something huge! It's never for anything but lack of support or money thats ever kept me from doing these things.. never lack of heart or inspiration or desire. And now the one time I was ever able to follow through with something, to prove to everyone- myself, included- that I was capable of actually finishing something, anything! The one time I was actually going to get it right... whoops. just kidding. again. Sucks.

From here, out, though I once again have a wide open window. I'll be saving up quite a bit of money, I'd guess, if all goes how I'd like it to. Of course, when has that ever happened for me?? I could go anywhere for nursing school come next August. Yes, it's a year away but the foresight gives me time to dream up exactly where I'd like to be, and it's the dreams that keep me moving. Maybe not always toward one exact point, but moving nonetheless. Tallahassee? Baltimore? California, England!? I can do anything.. and it's terrible that my Anything Day- Independence Day, if you will- has been pushed back another year, but at least I can still have something to look forward to.

Not-so-new years resolutions?

2008-07-03T01:52:00.003-05:00

So it's T-minus one month, and it feels remarkably similar to the last week of high school. Excited, nervous, anxious, optomistic but really not at all, and scared shitless all at once. I can't wait to get away from everything I've grown so used to all these years in such a dirty city, and my mom's incessant-ness in general, but I can't imagine being without any of it. Without Crystal to call when it's all too much and I need to blow off steam and have " a night" like we have since we were fifteen. Without Maria and her drunken craziness I'm already so used to relying on. Without Kristin's clingy-boyfriend phone calls at all the wrong times for pizza and movie nights. Without Patty; fighting, crying, playing, joking, pissing off, making love.. everything that's always been us.
It's time to look ahead. To realize that this will be my last summer of craziness. I'm letting myself let go so much because I know that after this summer, I HAVE to grab on. Time to grab hold of responzibility, studying, school, work, and not taking time off to spend money I don't have. Time to learn the reality of student loans so my mom can finally relax, and enjoy her new life she's made for herself. I'll never let myself feel guilty for the things I've done and seen this summer, and more importantly I'll never let myself relive it. I'm soaking up every drop of being young and reckless that I possibly can. I am living any and every whim I feel like without a seconds thought to any of it past "don't forget the camera!"
I'm letting go of stress. Letting go of pain, of dad, of lost sleep, and of past heartache. I'm forgiving anyone who asks for it, and forgetting anyone who won't. I'm focusing only on the love in my heart, life in my lungs, and the anxiety in my feet. Time to go, time to see. Time to work is later, and I WILL work. I will get all the play I can out of my system. I will do everything I've ever wanted to. I will write more, think more, READ MORE, eat less, hydrate more, love more, guard less.
I will finally let go of Dad and the issues drilled into my brain by what he's done, and let nothing hold me back from becoming everything I want. Tallahassee is my chance. From here I can do anything in the world I want. This is my chance. I've screwed up too much. Time to live, and only the way I want to from now on.

Begin the begin

2008-05-19T22:20:00.002-05:00

I'm officially taking the first steps to becoming a productive member of adult society. Wow. I'm no longer talking about all these great ideas on how to get myself back on my feet, or spending all my time planning the best way to go about it, I'm actually putting these great ideas into action.

Tonight I sat in a classroom for 3 hours, taking a test rivaling the Fcat for passing rate of 5 year olds. I knew this test would determine how expensive my CNA classes would be, so I spent some quality nap time instead online brushing up on my equations; Pythagorean Theorem, similar triangles, etc. I arrive at my test site, already kicking myself for not bringing a water bottle, sweatshirt in hand preparing for the "Big test chills" as I call them (you know, when it can be 100* with no air but you still need something bulky on?), only to open my test booklet to see questions such as " 77x 77=x?" and "whats wrong with the following sentence: She and me brought in the groceries". Honestly?? And even more appalling was the fact that with each section I breezed through in 5 minutes, the room would stare at me, amazed I'd finished so soon. Are these really truly the people preparing to work in a hospital? Where peoples lives are at stake???

Regardless, I'm still pretty proud of myself for getting off my ass and taking the first step.
Tallahassee here I come!

A little late? oh well.. Happy mothers day!

2008-05-12T22:17:00.002-05:00

Thank you mommy...

For leaving him, and saving us.
For making every holiday and birthday so special
For keeping me young, rather than telling me to grow up
For not letting me answer "nothing" to "whats wrong?"
For letting me have my surgery
For defending me every time I screwed up- no matter how bad, and helping me get back on my feet.
For bringing music into my life
For leaving cookies for Santa, and a carrot for Rudolph every Christmas, even when I was 17
For the perfect homecoming dress, even when we couldn't afford it, because it was with Alex.
For encouraging me to only take the classes I wanted to, and not focusing on grades or AP status, or the money the major would make me.
For always making sure I knew, I came first before everything.

Tally vs. Tampa... the great debate.

2008-05-05T20:39:00.002-05:00

Whats best for me? What is the safest, smartest,long-term best plan to fix all the messes I've made for myself? thats a question I've been asking myself for about a year now, and every time I think I have a solution planned, I mess it up. I get scared, or lazy, or distracted. Or maybe I'll even follow through but it just wasn't a good idea after all.. another lesson learned.

I have another idea, I guess you could say. Something I've been playing with for.. well, a year now. The first time things fell into place for me the way they kind of are now happened when I came home from my first trip to FSU. I came home, and fell into Erik.. back when that was at it's best. I also came home to a voicemail from Olive Garden offering me a job. Kendra called asking me to move in with her for next to nothing, taking me away from Plant City. Everything just suddenly went... perfect.
That may be happening for me again.. I came home from Gainesville Saturday night. I've never been so proud of my brother, and thats saying a lot. My very own big brother graduating from, in my opinion, the best university in the state. He's always been what I want to be, my whole life. I never did grow out of my little-sister-syndrome. I doubt I ever will. My life here and now, it's not good enough for me. It never has been, really, even at its best. The difference is that now I'm watching everyone around me, the most important people around me, living the life I wish I had. The life I wish I'd worked harder for. This is all settling. No one would believe me if I told them, mainly because I've never given them reason to, but I'm a very smart girl.
I could do amazing things, and somewhere along the line of my laziness I lost the respect and belief of others in my ability to do all these amazing things. I haven't forgotten.. I remember myself. And I'm finally really genuinely ready to work. I've said that before, I know. I have no guarantee. I have no proof. All I have is the disappointment in myself that makes me really think that I've hit the point of Enough is Enough.
That night when I got home, I dreamt that I up and packed my bags and moved to Tallahassee. Just like that. God knows it's something I've wished I could do for some time now. Also, I have the opportunity to move in with Shanna, and be around people I know. So I'm not all alone and lonely and work less, rather than more. I looked into rent in that area, and just like I though, it's HALF the cost of Tampa, just like Gainesville. It's not like there won't be any hospitals in Tallahassee... the states CAPITAL. And besides, a big part of why I chose nursing was because of it's flexibility in where I could practice.. why should that not include in college, too?
I could follow my same plan of action.. get my CNA, work in a hospital through my studies and work my way back into a major university. I could just do it.... away. And for cheaper, so I could work less and spend more time studying, or with friends.
Another idea here.... a fresh start. Am I running away from the things I've done or is a new beginning really just that? I have no idea.. maybe both? Either way, the idea is very tempting. To get away from this place, these people.. all of it. Start over, and do it right. I'd be leaving just in time for Cooper to come back, am I just running away from the first stable, good thing I've had in years? Totally possible. I hope not. Honestly, I half-expect it to be done with by then anyways, just like every other relationship I've had. On that same thought process, it would be against everything I've ever believed to change a life's direction over some guy.

what do I dooooooo?

The Rising Tide

2008-05-05T00:17:00.000-05:00

I'm not perfect, I have regrets
Ive made mistakes, I've made a mess.

Hurt some people along the way
Sometimes i wished for a new day

Forgive me please for not being perfect
I am not a precise circuit
And i promise you I will do my best
To no longer live my life in regret

With the rising tide of the eternal sun
I do proclaim..
I have found someone

I do not wish, to lose your over my past
I pray that what I'm feeling, will always last
For the sight of you, brings me great joy
Like a small child, getting a new toy
Alive inside you make me feel
Could this really... really.. be real?

Judge me now for who I am
Not the person I was then
For the past is the past and today is anew
I am no longer that person, that you once knew
-- Not sure who wrote this.. I love it.

6000 words more beautifully spoken than I ever could

2008-04-27T03:09:00.001-05:00

"have you been kissing chinese boys??"

2008-04-26T20:24:00.001-05:00

Mono fucking blows.
I wish Erik gave it to me so I could at least me mad about it.
Stupid Cooper being all nice.

Totally on the brink of death.

Stay green.

2008-04-14T13:37:00.003-05:00

"I wonder if I'm going to love my wife instead of giving up on my soul mate."

I just read that, written by a friend-of-a-friend. it outright stunned me, I couldn't peel my eyes away, convinced I must have read it wrong.
Makes ya think.
Mostly, makes me grateful for my naiveté.

If you weren't real I would make you up

2008-04-08T23:00:00.002-05:00

Through all the confusion, the stress, the heartache, the panic, the tears, the joys, the smiles, times both newfound and nostalgic. Through the wants, the needs, the worries, the Can't-go-on's, the days, the nights. Through friends, family, co-workers, old lovers.
Love is just love.

Erik fooled around with one of my sisters. I hadn't slept, or eaten. I tried to keep moving but could only crash and mope. No crying, only anger.
I showed up at Patty's door late last night, the only reason being how much i geuinely NEEDED to hug him. I fell immediately into his arms, and cried my eyes out. We spent the rest of the night out together, doing nothing really, just catching up. And all I could do was smile.

Do work, son!

2008-04-03T00:37:00.002-05:00

My first night home from sixth grade prompted a long happy afternoon re-living my newfound adult-hood watching Full House. Just adoring Dj, how could you not? She was, of course, the very coolest of cool. She would do her homework heiny-up over a smoothed bedspread, books surrounding her, knees bent ankles swinging above her. She'd do all her big kid homework- ya know, with books and notebooks and stuff- and then afterwards go to the mall with her bestest friend Kimmy, and neck with her so-cute boyfriend, Steve.
So that first night I took all my new books- every one of them- that those cool sixth grade kids get and all my colored notebooks I'd picked out so carefully from staples and completely encircled myself in them. Very thoughtfully, I laid them out in their bright rainbow of teal, hot pink, green, purple, a little disappointed that I'd begun picking them apart at the edges, so soon. They would never look as cute as Dj's if they were all torn up, and I'd never have enough homework to bring so many books out. I sighed my best, more heartfelt teenage sigh I could muster- not to be perfected for a few more years- and put my books back into my corduroy backpack, and went off to pester my brother, or run down the street to play with my friends.

Flash forward about eight years....!
Tonight I've been forcing most of my energy into studying for that damn CNA certification test I have coming up, all the while stressed about school and work and money and guys. Worried that Crystal won't be able to pay rent when.. if... she moves in this June. Worried if I'm to Erik even a fraction of what he is to me. Mostly, irritated that this stupid book is going to take me so long to finish when half of it is common sense anyways. I hate studying; I've never had to before.
In the middle of my piss-fest, I glanced over towards the window, and caught a reflection of this girl, lying ass-up, hair in a messy bun, head-first into a sea of books and notebooks taking notes, kicking her ankles in frustration. She had her phone in her hand, smiling to hear his ringtone
play. Right then, that moment, I caught a reflection of myself for the first time being exactly the person I've always wanted to be. I'm a 12 year old fantasy version of myself, and the more I think about it- is there any better kind? I've become the person I wanted to become before I even understood rent, work, and stress.
I've changed a lot in this past year, since Jason mostly. I've done some amazing things, made some huge changes, and made some costly mistakes. Through the year, I've spent most of my time beating myself over not working hard enough or getting enough done, pushing myself to reach future goals, now. Obviously I can't just BE a nurse.. it's going to take a lot of time and patience and studying, and thats what I'm doing. Erik isn't perfect and neither is Crystal, but they're the bestest, and so cute- who am I to complain about that?
It's time I stop disappointing myself and start really working. I'm already who I want to be, right now. So now? Seems about time to set myself up to still be exactly who I want another eight years from now.
Time to quit my bitching; time to work.

My heart is sturdy but it needs you

2008-01-24T03:04:00.000-05:00

I got to thinking tonight. Alex is laying on my bed behind me, crying and fighting on the phone with his latest, most current love. Meanwhile, Crystal is on the other side of town, bouncing from guy to guy one night to the next, restless and unsatisfied. Back in Plant City my mom is with a man she claims to love, someone who finally makes her happy but just can't seem to get it together. All the while, all my life, claiming my dad to be the love of her life, her soul mate.

It should be so easy, relationships. It should really be just so simple as " I think you're an amazing human being, and I enjoy spending time with you", and vise versa. Then from there you watch movies, eat dinner, and take bubble baths. Why does there seem to be no such thing as a stably happy relationship? Does there always have to be some complication? Someone else, mixed emotions, complications? If two people love each other, why is that never enough?
I cannot bring myself to trust Erik. He's done nothing wrong now, but he's left me twice before. it used to be that the title would give me the comfort and stability I need, but now-after Patty- it seems like nothing so simple could keep me feeling so safe. He told me he loved me that night, and still broke my trust within weeks. How can I believe anything, really? Especially from someone whose already given me reason not to?
It seems this should be so simple as, I care for this boy Erik, he cares for me and we're happy.

It's said that those who have loved have really lived. I disagree. I think that everyone at some point feels love in their lifetime. Most everyone will love and lose, feel true elation and cutting heartbreak. The real lucky ones are the ones who manage to find happiness. by finding themselves, finding love, and still keeping a firm grip on both. Who can say they've done that? Very few. A very lucky few.
I should be so lucky. For now, all we can do is enjoy our elation while it lasts, because it rarely does, and try not to look ahead to any heartbreak.

Dear boy...

2008-01-24T00:29:00.000-05:00

You are amazing, your energy is amazing, and the sex is amazing. However, I don't trust you anymore.Yet. I fall for you too hard too soon, every time. The others, recently, have all been leaving me for other girls. YOU left me for other girls. twice. I love that we snuggle even after we fall asleep, when I normally cannot stand skin touching at bedtime. I love that lately, especially, you kiss me differently-- more sincere, slower. I told you so, and you pretended not to have noticed. I haven't decided if I love that or hate it. I probably can't decide because I hate that I have no idea how you feel about me, because I'm too busy feeling so much for you. I love that I lived with you. I hate that, because I've lived with you, I don't know how prone to calling girls you are, in general. It makes me nervous that you don't call me. I don't really give you the chance to not call me. I always want to hear your voice. The sex is too good. Too good to say no to, which makes it much too hard to choose many other activities over it. I want to have less sex. Maybe even no sex. And talk more. See you more. Everything else more. You make me nervous, and my heart race. I talk in long run on sentences, except with you. Now it's all bullets. Short thoughts I'm surprised at myself to manage out. I turn to mush over you. I know I seem smitten all over again for you, but I'm not. I'm guarded and trying and nervous and backing you up. I'm just waiting for the day you leave me again. I partly know it'll happen BECAUSE I'm just waiting for it.
Please realize what you did to me last time, so you can fix this time and stay.
yours truly,
Jess

What is love? Baby don't hurt me

2008-01-02T23:42:00.000-05:00

so to start... Im about to sound 14 years old, and dramatic and ridiculously over the top. I tried to make this private, because I'm only writing this so I can document it and laugh at myself years from now, because I know I'll want to remember this the way I feel about it now, but apparently you can't write private blogs on here so.... I apologize ahead of time for the pre-teen flashbacks I'm sure this will erupt.

Last night Patty came over-along with Carlo Alex and Crystal- all of us hanging out and having fun, watching rent and singing. After a while his stomach started bothering him so he laid down in my bed, and I went with him, rubbing his back and just keeping him company while he was feeling sick. We laid there, kissing now and then, and making conversation about nothing when he started telling me how sorry he was because he still doesn't know what it is he wants and that this just feels right inside my arms, and how much he cares about me but he missed out on so much being with Amanda that now he's stuck just.... not knowing at all what he wants. I get that. He then tried to lighten the mood by joking about how it's like how he missed out on his dream girl in his math class and needs to find her and ... blah. just went on and on about her. seriously... your in bed with me right now-- think this is the time for these jokes? mood not lightened. So I rolled over, my back to him, "Jessie don't be like that... Jess....." I grunt. "...I love you" He'd said that before, after we'd slept together that night an eternity ago, while I was crying on the phone to him, but the only response he got from that was more tears.
This time I rolled back over to face him, face blank, feeling some mix of everything and total absence of anything. He confirms " I really mean it. I'd do anything in the world for you, anything at all you ever needed or wanted." He leaned in and kissed me, slow and deep. Mid kiss everything hit me, my face scrunched up disgustingly, and I started crying. hard. pushing him off so I could start getting the tears that keep you from breathing. Over and over he asked, "why are you crying??" finally I get my voice together enough to choke out " because I love you, too" He leaned in and kissed me again, telling me he really means it- as if I don't? I re-affirmed "I've never said that to anyone", still crying. At that, he really fully understood and almost flew at me, like he couldn't kiss me fast enough, just couldn't reach my face soon enough.
But I could only let that go on for so long, seeing as I couldn't breathe through all my tears yet. He asks if Im ok. "yes." No you're not...... He knows me too well. Finally He sat u and pulled me into him, holding my face in the gap in his shoulder I'm used to sleeping in. "I hate that i do this to you, what am i the only guy who can make you cry? I hate seeing you like this. I'm not going anywhere, Im not leaving you until your ok. We'll stay here all night if we have to. I'll always be your shoulder to cry on even when I'm the one making you cry. I'm not leaving you, I'll never leave you.. I'll never leave you." holding me, humming, whispering to me, smoothing my hair, wiping my tears, keeping me close.
My heart finally allowed me to catch my breath, so I laid back down to let my muscles relax, with him over me. He starts to choke up, eyes filling, seeing my face so red and sad. he leans down, and kisses my chest " i cant believe I keep breaking this. I dont want this to break, I dont want to be who does this to you, I love this, i dont want to break it" still kissing my heart. Finally emotion just exploded into both of us, he kisses me face my arms my neck my chest, stomach, thighs, nose.... quick, precise, everywhere. " do you see how passionate I am for you? How much I mean all of this? What you are to me??" I almost start to cry again, and instead pull him to my mouth, trying with everything to give him my heart through my kiss.
From there everything was amazingly intense, but I wouldn't sleep with him, too scared from last time, still needing more stability before I put myself there. at 4am he finally had to leave, I crawled into Crystals bed and cried.

Who knows.

What saved me

2007-12-19T15:50:00.000-05:00

Last night I came home with a bottle of rum in one arm and mango ice cream in the other, only the blender on my mind. Soon after Alex walked in with firewood and s'mores ingredients. Without fail, as is our nature, the house was soon after filled with some of our closest friends drinking mango margaritas, eating s'mores and watching Transformers.
We sat there talking and laughing and snuggling up together for nothing more than the human contact and complete love for each other against a crackling fire and glowing Christmas tree. It was exactly then that it occurred to me. After the hell of a divorce I witnessed when I was young, the near-poverty we pulled through after, and later the second divorce I was to witness, throwing us an hour away from everyone I'd grown up with, it was then that it occurred to me: this is home.
This is more home than I've felt in a very long time. I swing open the door after a fight with the guy I'm seeing, or a long night at work to find Alex sitting on the couch, smiling to see me, or to Spiderman candy canes from Crystal sitting on my dresser. This is where I can cry and know that there will be a shoulder ready, where I can run around in my bra complaining my hair wont straighten before a date, where I stay up till 4am making s'mores and watching a movie made for twelve year old boys. This is the best time I can remember ever having in my life. This is what gives me hope to keep pushing for whats still left. This is what makes it okay when what I pushed for didn't go quite as planned. This place, these people, these times is what helps me get back up and try again.
Already, I'd be lost without my new home.

Promises

2007-12-18T16:31:00.000-05:00

Today I've officially begun my new (to me) lifestyle of only taking what I deserve, and only giving the same. No second chances unearned, no justifying thoughtless actions. This is my promise to myself: I'm through settling for less than amazing, be it at work, with friends, with romance, with sex. Only the best for me, and I'll be sure to do everything I can to really earn that best.

Short post, I know, but is very heavy. Maybe. For me, anyways.
Goodbye Carlos. Goodbye Massie. Don't want me to say goodbye? Work for me.. and I promise I'll do the same for you.

Second chances

2007-11-19T13:50:00.000-05:00

So, yes, I realize I'm jumping the gun a bit here but in all seriousness, when have I ever been mistaken for the patient one? Oh right, that'd be never. And so, that said, I will begin telling the magnitude of no one reading this exactly what I'm so thankful for.

My mother is amazing. Who knew we'd get from where we were my freshman year of high school to where we are now. I didn't give her enough credit and she just didn't see me. Whether I meant for her to or not, she's learned nearly everything I've done and I imagine can assume the rest. Regardless of all of it, she's stood by me, helped me, supported me in whatever way she knows how, and kept me safe. I'm still driving, my boobs are done, I didn't file for bankruptcy and was never taken to court by USF credit union. Without everything she's done for me, especially this past year or so, I would not be where I am now. I wouldn't be so focused on getting where I need to be, would still be coasting, would not be living on me own or be so hopeful to put whats behind behind and see so much good ahead of me. I know there was more to my accident that she told me, and who even knows what else there was more to that I never found out about, but she knew I was hurting, knew how stressed and heartbroken and mentally broken I'd become. She hid it, and helped put me back together..... And the second I just wrote that, it occurred to me that because of what Jason did to me, I began partying more and sleeping around and being so reckless.... who knew way back then that the one person to fix me would be the one person I tried my hardest to hide it from. Just goes to show.

I'm thankful, as always, for my brother. The one who gives tough love without fail, even with the year from hell he's had himself. He's broken, too, and still is there for me no matter what mess I get myself into. As awkward as it was, he was there for me after my surgery when mom had to work, and mumbled out some kind of "you look good". Who has only ever had the very best intentions at heart for me, even if I don't agree, and- as I've said many times before, still rings completely true- saves my life, daily. He's who I work for, who I straightened up for, and the one person I work to make most proud.

For Crystal, for taking such good care of me, always, even when we may not see eye to eye. my shoulder to cry on, who would kill anyone who dared to hurt me, who dresses me up and does my hair to meet his family because my hands are too shaky to hold the straightener. Who feeds me when I'm sad, sick or poor.
For my dad, who through everything has helped me come up with a game plan to get me back on my feet and stay there. Hopefully it actually somehow plays out as smoothly as we expect it will! Who accepts everything I do, as hard as it may be for him to hear and see this coming from his daughter. It's rare, especially for me, to be able to be so comfortable and able to say exactly what I think in front of anyone, much less family. Thinking about it, that may not be a good sign in this particular case, but that's the point of this holiday. so I'm just grateful for a place to be myself, whatever the reason, with someone who cares so much.

For the opportunity to live in this house with such good friends, and such low rent. I have would never in a million years, with the way things have been, been able to get back to Tampa and on my own without this chance.

I'm amazingly thankful for his second chance God has blessed me with to straighten myself out. This time I won't be stupid. This time I'll get it right, and hopefully deserve everything I have that I'm so completely thankful for.

Why I love winter

2007-11-18T00:29:00.000-05:00

So it's occurred to me lately that you never can quite tell where life is going to go. Most of the time, lately at least, things have just seemed to be getting progressively worse, and any shock factor was from something good I happened to stumble upon. But now it's cold outside, time for fireplaces, warm blankets, hot chocolate, family and shared covers. Time for mid-day naps with your slippers still on and his arms around you. I really don't know why I started writing this, or even where I plan on going with it, except so I can really appreciate the way life has fallen for me lately. It's been a very long summer, and I'm finally getting to enjoy that it's not so bright out and I'm able to rest my eyes, rest my mind. Yes, less bright absolutely means more grey, but really- wheres the surprise in black and white? Life without surprises seems pointless, at best.
Grey is difficult. Difficult to understand, to explain, to live, to appreciate, to relish. It is all taken with faith and patience and trust. It's not understanding what you're doing or why, not being able to explain to anyone else to gain some kind of support to ease your mind. It is rocky, heartbreaking and freeing.
I live with my best friends. We are already fighting, I barely have enough money to feed myself and I decided to do so on a whim, after already failed once at being on my own. I have no idea why I feel so confident in this decision, all I know is that by the end of this experience I'll have learned more than I ever could anywhere else, and find some balance between growing up and staying young.
I'm seeing somebody. He's not my type, and is- in a way?- my boss. My superior at the very least. I don't know what we're doing. It shouldn't have started. If it did, it should have stayed casual. I shouldn't have let my heart get involved. I should be careful. However, the only thing I see in these Rules is black and white, right and wrong. No room for error, for happy memories to dry my tears while living through the sad ones, for learning my lesson, for having a lesson to forget learning and repeat, for life.
Life is not black and white, it's grey. And I could not possibly be happier, surrounded by the cold air and warm arms, living in it.

A Beautiful Thing

2007-10-17T12:08:00.001-05:00

by Kate Nash..

All I know is that you're so nice,
You're the nicest thing I've seen.
I wish that we could give it a go,
See if we could be something.

I wish I was your favourite girl,
I wish you thought I was the reason you are in the world.
I wish I was your favourite smile,
I wish the way that I dressed was your favourite kind of style.

I wish you couldn't figure me out,
But you always wanna know what I was about.
I wish you'd hold my hand when I was upset,
I wish you'd never forget the look on my face when we first met.

I wish you had a favourite beauty spot that you loved secretly,
'Cos it was on a hidden bit that nobody else could see.
Basically, I wish that you loved me,
I wish that you needed me,
I wish that you knew when I said two sugars, actually I meant three.

I wish that without me your heart would break,
I wish that without me you'd be spending the rest of your nights awake.
I wish that without me you couldn't eat,
I wish I was the last thing on your mind before you went to sleep.

All i know is that you're the nicest thing I've ever seen
I wish that we could see if we could be something

Giving thanks

2007-10-05T21:59:00.000-05:00

I dont know what changed, exactly. Looking back, everything was exactly was it was. Some days I laid in bed crying over the enormity of everything, and others I decided to say "screw it!" and go party with my friends, leaving the stress behind. I don't know what I'd done differently to get myself where I am right now..
I took a weekend trip to tallahasee with Crystal and Patty. Something about the time away made a world of difference. Just getting myself away from everything- from the travesty that is my room, my unemployment.. all of my instabilities. When I came back- starry eyed and still in love with the city and rid of my infatuation with the past- I was refreshed. Within a week,new goals still fresh in my mind I registered for classes in spring, had the most amazing weekend of my life, dropped a painful love interest and picked up a new comfortabley exciting one, got a job, and was offered a house with my two best friends- free of rent!
Even now, I have no idea what happened while I was at FSU for my entire world to be so differnt to come home to, but I'm amazingly grateful. My mom's actually proud of me, gas is in my tank, I'm no longer a burden on my friends... I truly feel so unworthy.. I don't feel like I've done a thing for all of this to happen for me, it just fell into my lap.
I prayed when i got home for FSU... i prayed for my future, my present my heart and my family. recently I've also been a little discouraged on the reality of God... Maybe I'm just being dramatic, but I don't see what else has changed.. my prayers were answered. I've never been an overly religous person, less than most by far.. but all I took was a trip to Tally. I could not be more grateful.

Birthday Week!!!

2007-08-29T10:45:00.000-05:00

It's my Birthday!!!!! And whoever must have been posessing me while I wrote before that I dont have the most INCREDIBLE friends anybody could ever ask or hope for? Well, they're gone now and I'm back to my sane self. Everybody and their mothers are taking me out and giving me things ( nothing big, I'm not that spoiled or snotty.. but little things like a cupcake or something.. the good kind of things!). Everyone is calling and texting and wanting to hang out and see me and help make this entire week even better than it already is. For me to think even for a minute that I had friends who didn't care? Well, birthday week this year is a lot more than yay! I'm older! (for as long as I can enjoy saying that!), it's more of yay! life is beautiful!

I cannot wait for tonight and the rest of the week with my family, amazing sisters, and best friends. All things considered? I'm pretty damn lucky and should probably stop bitching pronto :)

Whats in a name?

2007-08-06T10:50:00.000-05:00

idea courtesy of Fish & Jasika::

You completely broke and shattered my heart, and believe it or not? I cant thank you enough. It made me human and gave me life.

I've always been jealous of you. Your my entire world, and I wish we talked more.

I'd love nothing more than for us to be best friends.

When I look back on being young, I'll remember our nights together. I couldn't breathe without you there helping me do it through everything.

I don't think I'll ever fully trust you again. Not that you'll ever be aware of it, or would understand why.

You are the only person I could have fallen in love with. In fact, a little part of me may have.

It's a shame, really, that you have no personality. Cause that was The. Best. Ever.

You gave me the confidence to be exactly who I am, and not care about anyone else.

♥

A few Good Men

2007-08-03T19:39:00.001-05:00

So something occurred to me tonight. Taking its roots during the painfully irrational period of high school, and with a bit more subtlety throughout the rest of life there is a term for the type of guys who struggle with the ladies, getting the promotions and being taken seriously. They are sweet and kind and would do anything for anybody at the drop of a hat, all other thoughts and personal thoughts tossed aside. They have been overlooked, under appreciated and taken for granted. They have their hearts broken when That Girl chooses the captain of the football team over them- or for the latter, is sleeping with the senior partner. Recently these people have spoken up and begun to question why they are looked over in everything that they want, and why it really is so awful being a "Nice Guy".

Tonight it occurred to me- nobody likes a Nice Guy. Really though, can you blame them? I understand that they are gentle and selfless and have nothing but the best intentions at heart, but when it comes down to it, they think nothing of themselves and everything for everybody else. A woman who never gave him the time of day suddenly needs a huge favor? Well, you just know whose going to be the guy to jump to and hope she'll notice him, really notice him for it. Of course she won't. At the very least, history's taught us that. They let themselves be treated the way they are, they not only get pushed over, but they actually clear the path to make the shove just a little more easier on the bully. Obviously they have little self respect or they wouldn't allow themselves to be treated this way, so how could anybody else respect them?

Much more rare, but often grouped together is someone very different. There are the men who do whats best for his family. He pushes for the corner office he's worked so hard already for when to opportunity arises, and takes the loss gracefully when he sees the better man get it. He doesn't beg or push too hard to romance a woman, or let everything go when she gets upset. He listens to her- really listens. He encourages her to go after what she really wants, supports her and challenges her. He respects himself and therefore is open for a real connection, be it romantic or otherwise. He isn't the man who comes home with a new bike for the kids, or helps clean up the dinner dishes. He is the one who teaches his son how to build that same bicycle, and turns a pizza into a romantic candlelit dinner when she burnt dinner. He is the one to go the extra mile to show he truly cares about her, and not what she represents.

The difference here is admittedly slight, but is similar to the same slight difference a matter of inches make before falling off a cliff. They are life and death. They are the Nice Guys vs. the Good Men.

Snooze

2007-07-20T21:05:00.000-05:00

Our body has a way of naturally waking itself, setting it's own alarm. The alarm that tells us when we're late to work, reminds a woman of thirty that it's that time to settle down and have kids, gives a new graduate the courage to strike out on his own. It tells us that it's time to do something drastic, be it for the better of for the worse, to calm down and relax or to wake up and start living. Tonight my alarm has gone off. Loud and shrill, startling me from a dreaming comfortable sleep to the harsh bright morning lights, it tells me that it's time. It's time for me to make a change- make a thousand changes. Stop being so young and reckless, stop being scared. Time to let myself be as outrageous and as passionate as I feel myself to be all the way deep into my gut and out my fingertips. Time to stop rationalizing my future away on future prospects of spoiled children and the need for security and go after exactly whats in my heart to do. To stop blaming the judgements of others for my own self-deceptions. To throw those judgements of others to hell and jump into the beautiful gray.

I often wonder why I can't seem to find what I'm looking for. Why I don't feel completly comfortable around my friends or my family, and can't ever seem to find The Guy. I've never asked for much- just people I can hang out with, be myself around whocan both know and accept me. Tonight I realize that It's because I keep hidden what I want accepted, and that I'm a much more private person than I'd ever thought myself to be. It's time, light years past the time actually, to take my first steps. To be the friend to others that they have been to me, to allow my family to see who I am for better and for worse and put their unconditional love to the test, to push towards the future I've always wanted leaving behind what I've settled for and all fears of failure, to let myself be exactly who I've always wanted to be.

Tonight my alarm has gone off, and hitting snooze just isn't an option anymore.

she thinks theres something sexy about the rain

2007-06-19T22:43:00.000-05:00

I am....

promiscuous. When something catches my eye, I go get it regardless of any consequences. I satisfy my every whim that I am capable of. I keep it as long as I want, or am able to.. whichever comes first. I break hearts and have been heartbroken. am heartbroken.

I am passionate. I listen to music searching for context and meaning and emotion. I play my music with all my heart, telling it's story through each dynamic and intensity. I am Creative. I Can't decorate things or color especially well, but I see the world in frames and angles. From particular views not my own, and noticing light. I do not own a camera but I still see these things. I wish I owned a camera for no other reason than to show the world all the beauty I see everyday, even through disaster and pain. Maybe then they wouldn't question my eternal optomism. I am a full blown romantic. True love exists. There is one person for everyone,whoever you are. And you will find them. Hang on as long as you can because it may not last forever. My parents didn't last forever. They should both be misterable but instead they've very content, looking back fondly on what they used to have, knowing that they were eachother soulmates. Knowing that will never come along again. And appreciating what they had is enough for them, because it was that significant. Thats love. Not an elderly couple who didn't believe in divorce.

I am hard to get to know and easy to be friends with. I don't believe I know more than 5 people, at most, who can accept that I am promiscuous and without straight edges, and still remember what a good person I am. I am not reliable. I am flaky. I stand people up and dont keep plans. I dont bother to call and cancel because i feel bad. Id rather lie, later. I am not flaky with who I care about. When I meet someone, they immediatly have my heart or they don't. im sure your a great guy, but your not for me. Lets be friends. We broke up? Lets be friends. Always be friends. You cant have enough friends. I dont have enough friends. The friends I have are selfish and dramatic and judgemental. Im slowly learning this more and more. I may have to be lonely for a while to find a truly amazing bunch.. but im not ready for that. I can not be alone in public. When my partner in crime leaves for the bathroom in a resturaunt, those 5 minutes drag on forever, leaving me in an awkward limbo where I feel im being watched and judged.

I am incapable of falling in love. All i see around me is hurt. My parents hurt eachother. My mom hurt Dave. Lisa hurt my brother (and I want her dead for it). Jason hurt me. Adam hurt me. I don't think I can take another round of Jasons or Adams. I am with Blake and already planning out exactly why we may not work out. What he may do to me in the long run. Reasons why i should just bolt now. Reasons why i shouldnt bother with anyone for a long time because I'm not getting married anytime soon, so I'll just be hurt again. I think they kinda fucked me up. But I do wholeheartedly believe in real true love.

Im not as stupid as I first sound. I read literature, poetry, and intellegent blogs. Anything with passion and meaning behind it. I am self-devastatingly lazy. I need to get over that immediatly and do something with my life. I know exactly what I want to do with my life, and wish I could skip the next few years and just straight to it. I wish i could write for a living. I wish I didnt find the news so boring. I wish I could rasie a family on a salary critiquing books. Instead I'll nurse. I'll be the woman like the one who calmed my fears before my surgery. I'll be taking care of people and making an impact on peoples lives. I'll be remembered and appreciated. I wish I could do it now.

I miss Adam. I think about him too much. Remembering hurts just as much as not remembering. The night he asked me to be his girlfriend. Singing bad Gorillaz music to me driving to, where else, Josh's. I miss it. I hope he wakes up and does something with his life, soon. He really could if he actually tried. I hate that I miss him. I hate being used. I hate being labeled and taken for granted and underappreciated. I love doing anything bold or unexpected. I pierce things and dye my hair just to gauge the shock factor. I wont get a tattoo because I wont permanently do anything to my body jsut for shock factor. I have a serious fear of permanence. not commitment.

My family means the world to me. That has been tested more than once, intensely. I adore idolize and worship my brother. I think he is amazing and an incredible person and I hope to be even a fraction as smart as he is. We don't talk much, but he takes care of me. He looks out for me and helps me, ever since I was a baby. We've been through more than imaginable, and because of that I believe we're closer than any other pair of siblings. Even if we can't talk. I love my dad. He's overbearing judgemental and obnoxious but I love him for his reality. he's very happy in his own little world, and I actually admire and envy that. My mom is the strongest person I've ever known. I can't think of one time when she could have ever been truly happy and still she pushes through and does exactly what she needs to for her family. It's outright astonishing.

I am definatley pretty. I am definatley not beautiful. But I have an outgoing, cheerful, personable nature to me that seems to make up for whatever i lack in looks. My boobs were way too big for me, so I cut them off. Im not used to them yet and change my mind daily on if theyre too small or not. I really dont know what too small is. I'll get used to them. I'll learn. Its one of the best thigns to happen to me and Im incredibly lucky. Im incredibly lucky anyways.

Im one of the guys. I'll watch your sports and eat your food and listen to your music. I fit in with anyone. But at the end of the day I'll send you cutesy text messages before I fall asleep. I smoke pot and no one knows it. I do some other things and no one knows it. Not often.. I could count on one hand. But I do. But no one knows. I hate that I would be judged for doing that. Or being promisculous. I need to find new friends, im just not ready to be lonely yet.

Boob Voyage! eve

2007-06-12T20:38:00.000-05:00

So here it goes: tomorrow's the big day, and I'm finding it hard to breathe.
I know I shouldn't be nervous, really. I'm obviously not going to die, my doctor is the best of the best so I'm sure I'll come out looking even more fabulous than already, and I've got some seriously enviable pain killers with my name attatched, smiliar to the tags on Christmas gifts. I know I should not be nervous.

I can't help but wonder, though, who I'll be when I come out. Now that I'm not the girl with the huge boobs anymore, who will I be? What will I be known for, or seen as? What will my first impression be? Will I really stop being used and oggled the way I have since middle school, or are pigs just pigs?

I know I need this. My back is falling apart, and clothes dont fit me, and my health is generally for shit. I know I need it. I know, even more, how much I want it. How badly, how painfully, how depseratley I want this. But now its less than 10 hours away and my nerves are taking over my mind and heart, and I can't stop their domination. Now I'm wondering if maybe I don't need this as badly as I think, and I'm just running from something and trying to start fresh with a new body- one that no ones seen or abused. A way to stop looking back at what I've done and even more importantly who I've done it with and try again. Maybe this is some long-term, leftover psychological issue from Jason. Add it to the list.

I'm scared they wont look right. That they'll be too big or too small. That I'll be less attractive. That I won't be as shocking coming out as I expect. That I'll still be seen the same. That I'll be seen totally differently. Mostly, I'm scared of being bed-ridden for the next 2 weeks with only my mother and can't find my 2nd season of Greys Anatomy.

Maybe I'm just really really hungry and need a strong drink. Damn pre-op..

Red

2007-05-15T14:40:00.000-05:00

W henever people decide that I'm too quiet, I yell. When they say I'm too weak, I push. When they say I'm not smart, I take on the senior year from hell with 5 AP courses. And now that I have been under-appreciated and taken for granted, I am becoming outrageous. After a few days of pushing all the memories of Adam out of my head so I wouldn't give myself the chance to be sad over it, I decided not to overrule myself like that. Instead, I decided to let myself wander over whatever my heart desires, and also to give it something new and better to think about. So last night, after 8 years of throwing the idea around, I finally caved and dyed my hair red. Blood red. Mj from Spiderman red. Fiery and undeniable. I am not disposable or common, I am something unique and rare and this is my outcry. If I have been too subtle before in my deviance then this, truly, is me screaming till my throat goes hoarse NOTICE ME!!

And maybe the person who caused this result will never see my stand against him, but thats Ok. Just because he caused something does not give him rights to see it-- this is me for the world, and for the future of everything to come. This is me starting fresh and looking forward. This is me making sure I never make the mistake of being walked over again.
This is me: Red.

Thanks for making me a Fighter

2007-05-05T14:26:00.000-05:00

If its worth having it's worth fighting for, so they say. I've never fought the real fight, I've held on tightly to something I knew was gone and I've given up from lack of interest, but fighting for something? Really truly working at it?? That is something I've never before had to do.

He drives me crazy. He doesn't know when to shut up, or when the opposite. He is incredibly lazy and for being so smart, incredibly oblivious. He pushes my buttons just for kicks, and is actually surprised when I get mad. He's a huge nerd, into the entire fanatasy world of video games and cartoons, and has a temper that outright stuns me.

He's never been with someone quite like me before, and so I can't really blame him for not knowing how to handle me... especially since no ones been able to handle me yet. I drive him crazy. I am loud and stubborn, and know exactly when to shut up but choose not to. I say what I have to say, do whatever my impulse is, and never let on that I'm upset until it's too late and I'm exploding. I'm incredibly sensitive, a blushing romantic and will probably be 13 years old for the rest of my life. I'm an "insane liberal".

Of course we've been fighting, we couldn't be more different. So then last night, after a week of being angry I was tired and worn and sad, and it showed. So he was like he used to be- he made me laugh, and he kept me around and close. Then when he walked me out to my car to say goodbye I told him the only words I could form to explain how I was feeling, "Stop blowing me off", as I looked up at him with sad eyes and a tight grip. And he gave me the most sincere apology he's ever given me without saying one word, kissed me soft and deep, and said "ok"

Amazing, really, the way he knows just how to handle me.

In search of my better half

2007-04-29T23:06:00.000-05:00

How do you choose youre friends? Are they simply the people that surround you that you can tolerate, or do they find you? Are they your true soulmates, fated to you to help you through breakups, career changes and burned dinners, or are they just simply an outlet to complain to when all these happen?

I'd very much like to believe that friends- true, constant friends are the ones who get you. They know you are sad by the way your hair has been mussed, or that something is stressful by the glaring rawness of your lips. See through the smile to know you are crumbling, or through a frown and know that you are dramatic and will need a few minutes to get this out of your system. In reality, a friend is someone who understands you; cries for you when you are heartbroken, dances for you when you're celebrating, livens you and soothes you. Shakes your world and slows life down. They are your better half, for better or for worse, and you are theirs. These people are treasures- irreplacable and vital, exceptional and infrequent. Something to be searched for, but never simply found just in the way that the aimless searching for a good poem is uselessly constant- it finds you on it's own accord, exactly when you're ready for it.

As for the rest of the world? Unless they are good for you, then why let yourself be held back? Why go out of your way for what will only hurt you, wasting precious time better spent with those who make you whole? Tolerable seems unbearably shallow and grey compared to Unflagginly Beautiful.

What is L*** ?

2007-04-28T23:53:00.000-05:00

... Infatuation? Passion? Comfort, Excitement, Joy? Being able to act like children together or growing up? Satisfaction, Security, Rebellion? Is it telling little while lies to see their smile, or telling the truth because "I'm not afriad to hurt your feelings" (- the notebook.)? Or maybe the most genuine honest love is nothing more than Puppy Love. The kind where you cant even begin to comprehend that big, scary future everyone keeps talking about if their not with you to expirience it.

Whatever it is, there is something unparalled in the heaviness of the word. Many people today believe that it's used too often, that people "love" their cereal, their friends, their wine, their sports. Really, though, it's nothing more than a word, no different than the word Incredible or Faith, be it religious or not, and yet those words, too, are thrown around carelessly. Does it change their meaning or weight? Of course not, it just means that you need to really listen and pay attention to absorb the realities of them, and as far as I'm concerned if you're moving too quickly to really hear how much something or someone is Loved, than you have no buisness listening in on such an important topic.

There are a few types of people in this world: there are those who fall in mad, true, depserate "love" with everyone their lips have ever known, those who think too much and "decide" in an exact moment when they fell in Love, and there are of course those masichists, such as myself, who are not only unable to speak the words, but even reprimand themselves for allowing their thoughts to wander over them refusing to truly believe they are In Love. None of these, however, seem realistic to me. You simply can not love everyone. You can not choose who to love, as that's been proven moreoever than anyone would like to admit or relive, and much the same way, you can not choose against love.

Following this, what is left for love? It cannot be chosen, or denied. It cannot be known or unknown. It just is, with the same mysterious comfort of a lazy Saturday afernoon on the couch with your current counterpart. It's in these moments of bliss of Love and Being that a religionless, common Nirvana takes place that could never be explained or understood, understated or overestimated, accepted or denied.

So for those who have lately been disturbed by the recent trend of using this lethal word, remember that however often it is said does not change it's meaning or lessen it's weight. When it is felt, it is felt and no amount of misuse can break that.

I, however, still refuse to admit I have felt it. =)

The talented Mr.Coon

2007-04-01T00:46:00.000-05:00

I never really thought my parents divorce managed to affect me that much. I dont know why I was so ignorant and closed-minded to think so, but I didn't. I decided that I was too young to really absorb all of what was happening, and then too old for the second one to really let it jade me. As though my mind was already set and stable with how it was going to be, how could this affect me now, so late in the game? Wow, teenages really do know everything, don't they?

It took an eternity but the truth has finally hit me: I am a direct, contorted version of my mothers marriages. It started with the love of her life, her soulmate-even to this day, and of course something had to happen to make it all go to hell, almost literally. Then she chose who she should- something loveless and necessary and shes an amazing woman for it. Still, it was no shock to me that they wouldnt be together forever being as they were both horribly miserable from the time my brother and I hit high school.

Now, in my everyday life I sit here believing heart and soul in true love and soulmates, falling more in love every second I breathe with the idea of growing old with someone. At the same time I sit unmoved, unable to grasp the concept of actually being with someone, happily, for any long extent of time. Without being cheated on, without things getting so boring you could die just for excitement it may stir, without the love slipping away but the need to stay together steadily remaining for fear of what else is out there. I'm in the beginnings of what could be an incredible relationship right now, and all I can think about is to try and hide how incredibly happy its made me since day one because I seem to know that it'll be over soon, and once again people will look at me and think "look at her, she jumped in and fell way too soon. You'd think she'd get it by now".

He kind of ruined me, I think. He fixed me and He broke me, all at once. I'm finally able and open to jump in and fall way too soon only to realize that I'm scared to death. I'm suddenly questioning intentions and motives and the big, scary Unknown called "if". If maybe I'm just being played with, when its so obvious I'm not. If I'm blind to true intentions, when they are crystal clear and beautiful. If he'll tire of me when so far he's unknown to the word "enough". If I could love him and not become a hideous train wreck again, when the air around us is heavy with commitment and lacking in immature fears (except my own, of course.) I'm a mixture of broken trust and shallow roots, leaving me literally unstable and weak, maybe im supposed to be to let everything happen. Let Life happen. Maybe I just needed to see the bad to appreciate the good. But after so much bad, the good is just way too scary.

So here I am: officially trying, if nothing else, to open up. Let something that could be good swallow me whole, and if its not? If it blows up in my face again? Well then, I survived Him-I can survive anything.
Jesus, though, I dont want to go through that again.

Standing up again

2007-02-09T18:44:00.000-05:00

So it finally happened. Nothing has ever played out quite so perfectly for me before in my life, and I doubt it ever could again. Everything that I've been wanting since the day I knew He wasn't coming back, at least as far as I was concerned, I was granted.He wanted me back- to see and talk and be with me again. Who knows if it was meant as far as a relationship goes, with titles and the big issue of exclusiveness, but really who cares? The point here is that I was thought of and missed. And after a few hours of crying, pacing, swearing, remembering, wishing, regretting.... after an eternity of living out the complete hell of " what if...", I was finally able to say "No. it's over." Immeditatly after I felt relieved. Proud and vindicated. I couldn't believe that I had actually managed to get the last word in over Him.

Then the real test came, and sure enough.. I couldn't sleep. For better or for worse, that boy has always had some fantastic power over me to make me lose sleep at night. For tonight, and now forever thats ok, because I went though my tears, victory, and second thoughts and am finally, actually, walking away from this, picking up all the baggage I earned while with-and without- him and moving. I can leave the corner I've been crying in, actually admit that I occasionally needed that precious corner and become a mobile, functioning member of society again. Now how lucky for me that there's someone there to help me in my transition back into the population, to learn that not everythings meant to hurt, and not every promise is worthless. How lucky for me that I'm actually healed enough to move past meaningless hookups to keep my mind occupied, remember what I learned from Him with everything he put me though, and at least attempt something mature and real.

Whether it is or not, the point here is that he wanted me back- and I said no. And I'm not crying.

Equal Parts

2007-01-13T11:40:00.000-05:00

Divided into equal parts
I find my curious mind and cautious heart.
Forging forward, I will find lust and sin
or something thats resembling a place I've alerady been?
Is this a day or a dream thats here and then gone
or something worthy of trying to hold on?
Decisions to be made, whether to stop or start
my curious mind and cautious heart.--Robert Clay

In Regards to November...

2006-12-07T04:03:00.000-05:00

So im very confused lately on what, exactly, such intense emotions as love and heartbreak are. I've always felt very strongly that love is a once in a lifetime, Breathe for you Die for you Am for you and your happiness not emotion or state of mind, but self. You, yourself, alter to make that person happy. Not to change in the way that you wrong who or what you are, but in the way that you, for the first time put your own wants and needs to the second priority. Hand over your oxygen mask as the plane crashes down, change the radio off of Fergie to Distrubed, eat coffee ice cream to see if it makes your tounge taste like their favorite drink and something so true and permanent should only happen once in a lifetime, which is why I don't believe in love at my younge age. Yes, i am 18. Yes, I am becoming an adult, and my friends are even more "grown up" than I am, being that their older, but still-- we're young. We're kids. We're learning how exactly to be adults, and pay rent, and have careers. We're new to this world, still learning, still wide-eyed and tight-pocketed.

To follow this idea, heartbreak should only happen once as well. True, cutting heartbreak. When you're 80 and your spouse- youre one true love and soulmate- has passed away. Now, of course, this is flawed as there can be more than one heartbreak to a persons life, if there weren't it'd be easier to get through. Like chicken pox aren't SO bad because theres the knowledge that after this, it's over. You'll never have to go through it again, the one-time pain is over. Of course, life doesn't follow this logic. Parents, and children die. Medical messages without cures, as luck would have it, are delivered and expected to be lived with. Bankruptcy becomes a forced decision on a single parent of three, and suddenly food and shelter are no longer taken for granted. Of course, all these things will merit a heartbreak. However in this sense, there is only one. And when this happens it's only appropriate that you should cry, lie in bed, fuck work fuck school fuck the world... and grieve. Wait for the pain to hopefully attatch itself to the time you're losing, in addition to sanity and serenity, like autumn leaves down the river, and pass.

So why is it now that I find myself on the verge of believing I had been in love, at the young, ignorant, wide-eyed age of 18? Not even sure of the exact path for my career to be, much less begin it, and still I consider myself at the same emotional level of fully "adult-ed" adults? It wasn't long enough. We didn't see eachother enough. Nothing was enough to merit such a strong term as Love. And now that He's gone- hundreds of miles away- and its all over and done, I'm not crying or grieving or hiding away. I am going to work, and laughing with my friends and singing in my car driving home. Yet why does the only person who really gets me, who I turn to to ask why I do such crazy things because even I don't know, why does he believe I am heartbroken? Because I'm awake at 4am after exhausting myself at work all night, because I was awake at 7am last night after exhausting myself even further at work pervious to that, because since the day he left I have not yet found sleep before the sun came up. I'm too detatched to cry, too stubborn and strong-willed to admit how much I cared for him, yet too weak to look at his picture for more than 30 seconds without tears welling. So I show him to everyone else, assuming that through his picture they, too, will be able to see his soul the way I always could. Im proud of what I had, and that I understood him the way I did. I didn't know him- I'd have needed more time for that.. but I understood him. His weird tendancies, and personal ticks. I may not have known the story that caused them, but I understood.

So why do I think my good friend may be right? Because its 4am, and all I can do is let my mind reel on and on about what I had, who I had, and everything I, for the first time, would've let it be. Maybe I didn't love him.. I didn't. But for the first time I let myself open up to the possibility of it, and after 18 years of being shut hurricane-protection tight, the infection I got while open feels an awful lot like hearbtreak.

It's been a long month.