I cave, I cave.

I'm getting help. I know I need it. Hell, even if this had never happened, I'd still probably need it. hah. Apparently mom already knows a great woman on harbor Island who helped Brian when his dad died. So... I'll go see her.


It's fucking Christmas, and my dad decided to drill Maria's death into my as a driving school lesson. Really?? Today was hard enough, fuck you. I lost it a bit. Cried the whole way home. Let out a nice good scream in the car for the first time. I've needed to scream. One nice long loud shrill Shriek. Beautiful.


I'm hoping therapy helps. I'm not doing well. I miss denial ;)

Terrible-ness. ♥

when everything that holds me together is falling apart

I've been sleeping on the couch the past 4 or so days. I still have vivid dreams, but they're not so scary. I don't know why I can't sleep in my room. it's not like she was ever in it or anything.

But I've been sleeping on the couch.

Give me a megaphone, please.

Last night I was supposed to go to a party with Drew Hayes to do and witness lots of illegal activities, I imagine, with a tonn of people from high school I haven't seen in years. I was more excited to see everyone and look so different and be so much more confident than anything else. My mom called me asking me to not drink. Begging, actually. I wasn't gonna drive, but for whatever reason I listened to her. Pitched a royal fit, like I was actually back in high school, but I listened. Still not fully sure why. I went out to eat at Steak n Shake with Patty, instead. First time I've seen him since before the accident. He wasn't there for me either, throughout this. Shock. He's been making me feel like it's nothing. Like he knows everything and I'm beign so dramatic, we weren't even friends. He's said nothing like that, but he makes me feel it. The same way he makes me somehow feel huge when we kiss, even though he's never said that, either.
He asked to see my tattoo and then roled his eyes, told me it was too big and what am I going to do when i'm 80? I said " I'll smile and remember my friend" He then proceeded to be a condescending arrogant dick, by telling me about his friend whose "best friend died, so she got her name tattooed small on her wrist. small. I liked THAT one"

So what? Maria and me weren't friends at all, and if that girl can manage to get a small tattoo, then surelyyyy I can too? It makes me furious just to think about, again. Not only was Maria actually my best friend, but she's turning out to be one of my ONLY friends. Patty went on talking about how he considers me one of two friends, that he can call at any hour and have be there for him. It only made me angrier because i would be there. In a heartbeat. because I really loved him. But all this time I've needed him and he wasn't there. In fact, all hes done is made me feel worse. In fact, thats all he's done in a long time.

I came home furious.... at Patty, at Crystal (all over again, poor thing..), at my mom for not letting em go to that stupid party...at the entire world, for everything. I lost it last night. I screamed at my mom at the top of my lungs about how angry I was at everything, I pulled my hair and crippled over. I cried and yelled my loudest for her to really hear me. how Not Okay I am. And instead she yelled back about drunk driving, and learning lessons about maria, and why am I so mad at her? Again, she didn't listen. She tried but she just... didn't. I screamed so she could hear me, and she still couldn't.

I don't know what to do.

I've been having nightmares

last night that I was sneaking into someplace and i thinkk shooting bad guys. And then the cops were chasing me, cause it's not like I ever ask for permission for anything like shooting people, and they were all currupt and were gonna torture me, so I needed someone to kill me, quickly, so I wouldn't be tortured. Some girl was gona do it for me in a bathroom stall.. looking back it may have been maria but idk. Anyways, she didn't want to and at the last minute I was scared it would hurt afterall, not be instant. So Crystal walked in, said she knew where to shoot me so it wouldn't hurt, and shot me in the left ear. It didn't hurt, and my last words were "thank you. I love you". Her && the other girl squeeled, like that was comforting for them to hear. I woke up with my ear buzzing..

Another was I was at a big dinner event. I think Carlos was there, next to me. And I guess for a reason I can't remember, I was forced into going to therapy. I got there in the parking lot/waiting area , and everyone was talking about how they needed the help for what was wrong with them like it was a treatment for their illness, or disability. I didn't like that and figured I wasn't ill so I went back to the dinner in my old seat, next to carlos. I then proceeded to cry my eyes out, like I'd just heard the news about maria all over again.. It was when I was half awake so I could hear my awake self breathing heavy like I was crying. While hysterical crying, dream-me thought to myself that maybe I need a different kind of therapy. A special Greif Therapy. And decided to look up some options on google as soon as I stopped crying.
I never did, in real life. I still think I need to.


Theres been more but i can't remember them. They're way too realistic-y for my own taste. I getting more and more scared of the dark, too. I called into work today from the parking lot, drove around Bayshore for a few hours, came home and fell apart crying in my moms lap. Maybe I do need therapy.. Maybe I'm not handling this as well as I think.

Cause when your eyes light up the skies at night...

.. I know you're gonna find your way back to me.


People tell me I've been handling this very well.. everyone's been pretty amazed I haven't fallen apart... openly.. at all. And except for my little outburst at Gilberto, the bartender, who was so unfortunate to try and joke with me by making me stay at work and hang out a bit longer right as I was hitting the brink of tears.. He was not so fortunate. Or the once at Crystal when she was late for her own Birthday Dinner, and I was fresh with my resentment that she wasn't there for me through any of this, so I made her cry. On her Birthday.
Yeah, those few times I may have lost it a bit, but mainly I've been holding it together. Holding everyone else's hands at the memorial, picking out the flowers on behalf of Sam Seltzer's and delivering their food to her parents. It's not in the days I have problems, because even then if I'm thinking about her, it's because something reminded me of a memory we had, which only brings me to smiles not tears. And then I'll quietly talk to her for a minute, or send her a text message or something equally crazy and comforting.
Tears have been no stranger to me, but they're getting much fewer and farther between. Instead of crying, I'm choosing to live more the way she would have wanted me to. If I don't like someone, I'm making less effort to be fake and play nice. I'm speaking my mind, and setteling (ie. "making poor choices") MUCH less. And from there things have fallen into place, I believe both because of the changes I've made and a lot because of the help she's been giving me to make these changes.
I'm grateful to have such a good-hearted guardian angel taking care of me. I've seen things everywhere showing me she's here, hanging out with me. She was there laughing her ass off when I decided to quit Sam Selzter's yesterday, toasting me at my celebration at Applebees that night, and is waiting to meet Cooper when he comes home, seeing as I've always talked about him. She's freaking out because she can fianlly see that Erik Massie reallyyyyy does look just like Chris Eads, not that she ever doubted it.
I miss her everyday, but she's with me every second. So...yeah. I guess I've handled this pretty well, by focusing more on making her proud than on losing all my days.

I think she is :)